To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

You need to break this level of entitlement. If DH insists on them coming then say their arrival time should be 2pm for 3pm lunch. You can then have a lovely time in the morning. Keep reminding them not to arrive until 2pm on a regular basis. On Christmas Day set a departure time of 6.30 as children need to wind down before bed. This has worked perfectly for my relatives and in-laws over the years especially when others have not been keen on hosting - you host then it’s your rules otherwise they can bugger off. Tell DH that Christmas is for the children not a bunch of grinches

This is depressing to read. I could not abide being dismissed and waved away like that. And his automatic assumption of his way or the highway.

What ages are your kids? Do they still believe in Santa?

I was going to suggest you have a fancy meal on Christmas Eve, just your household, so that you could enjoy some pomp and festivity. Then maybe Christmas Day wouldn't sting so much; just do leftovers/grazing board etc. while you sit there and enjoy your wine.

But his unilateral declaration that they are coming is galling. Not to mention their disrespect of your dining table; I would have lost it if someone plopped dirty carrier bags on my carefully arranged stuff.

There are still two months until Christmas; it's hardly too late for people to adjust to a new plan.

I have never hosted Christmas. We always do two. Extended family Christmas is earlier in December. MIL hosts, uncles aunts and cousins come to exchange gifts and have a Christmas dinner, then leave early. Christmas Eve/Day is just for my family. I like to have Christmas at my own home with no fuss or stress, and make it more about my child than socialising with people I don't know that well. Do what makes you happy!

If my DH did all the cooking and he wanted to have his parents over on Christmas Day, then I’d happily let him invite them.
I’m imagining the future when I’m older and might want to spend time with my son’s family and grandchildren.

If this was me and my DH did all the cooking anyway, I think I'd keep Christmas Day as it is but without all the decorations etc, then have a lovely Boxing Day as you want it with all the things you like, even holding back some presents to open on that day instead. It could become a lovely family tradition.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given is that you can't change others so you have to change the way you deal with it x

If you cannot understand the idea of the “nuclear family only” Christmas, count yourself lucky!
You’ve obviously not had to put up with horrendous distant “family members” who only appear at weddings, funerals and Christmas for the free food and drink!!
My DDad had some very greedy brothers and sisters who turned up out of the blue on these occasions purely because everything was for free, and he was a kind man.
One very pushy aunt came from Australia in early December and stayed at our house (unexpected and uninvited) til January. I had to give up my room for them and my presents were ‘borrowed’ by their kids!! I was 8 years old.
Not everyone is nice!

I think this is the year you stand firm on it, I also lay a beautiful table and would be pissed if people started dumping bags on it.

For once it can be about what you want. Dh has had it his way for too long without compromise. Dh can still cook a lovely roast dinner on a different day for his family to all come round, it doesn't have to be Christmas Day.

I made it clear when MIL was hosting a late afternoon buffet that no present opening would take place for my children when she was out of the room as she was in the kitchen prepping all the food. I knew she was the one who had chosen it all, shopped for it, wrapped it beautifully and there was no way she was missing out on seeing her Grandchildren open them.

Make the Christmas you want.

Sod this crap. Your husband is being a selfish arsehole and needs to put you and the kids first for once. Put your foot down and tell him seriously how it makes you feel especially with their shitty arse comments. If he will not budge then maybe it is time to rethink if you want to stay with someone who never puts your needs first.

You do Christmas his way every single year. Surely he can see that that's not fair.

This is what I did and it works perfectly. We host the extended family on Christmas, but we have our nuclear family Christmas on Christmas Eve. It is much easier to be gracious to annoying relatives when you have had a wonderful "Christmas" with your kids the day before.

Oh my goodness! Same here but mine is my mother. Banging on and on about presents but its only me that gets them any. And all the guests and carrier bags! or manky half-dead bags for life on the table. Sorry. Sympathy.

It's strange a lot of what you describe I've had over the years - comments about too many presents, food - and things important to me being sabotaged- I always thought it game playing TBH.

I put my food down early with christmas lost easter to do it - and then had issue with one kids birthday that often fell near that - so not ideal as never really got to build up easter traditions though much to wider family disgust made hallowean and bonfire night ones instead.

Things you could do - do kids presents/christmas stuff boxing day/christmas eve - don't let things go - if they are rude destroying a table display tell them they are being rude and wtf do they think they are doing. Mostly you need to make it a DH problem not you holding your tounge getting upset problem or manage them so they are bareable.

Tell him you're looking forward to seeing him make all the arrangements and cooking a lovely dinner.

DH always wanted to see his family at Christmas. He still goes on now about ‘magical’ christmases spent with them. It wasn’t. My MIL loathed it and also sit there complaining about every single fucking thing the DC got ‘ cant we return some, can’t we give some away’ thing is when they were little I didn’t actually get them very much. She would also complain about the food and the gluttony and spend all day talking about diets. FIL would get pissed and complain about what he got.

I have lots of friends who are close with family and they all see them Boxing Day and do buffets. It means the whole day can be relaxing and children can play.

That's what I did.
Planned since early teenage years, fortunately it worked out when I was 25.
There's no way (and was no way when younger)
I would let people force themselves into my private space, if they are "offended" or not.
Myself and my husband of 20 years don't have any kids, so if I like a quiet Christmas, as one of the PPs, and would end up with 19 people (19)!
I would walk away and very happily live in an apartment by myself.
No way I would resort to a meltdown or drinking to accommodate others.
Sorry. 🙁

I’d be worried about the comment from your husband, “What else would we be doing?” Sounds like he’d be miserable anyway if they didn’t come on the day.
Could you not suggest an arrival time, just before lunch say and an exit time, then they wouldn’t be there for so long?

Why can't his parents or SIL host for once? That way you can choose to go just for lunch and leave when you prefer.

I’m raging on your behalf, @Nant90 The bags on the table!!! 👿

Your ILs are intolerable, your DH is totally unreasonable. I don’t think it’s too late to change this year to Boxing Day or evening dinner only on 25th. Who on earth needs more than two months to get their head round that?

Better still, SIL or aunt must surely be due to host?!

Also agree with the people saying put your DCs first and prioritise the Christmas you and they want for a year or five.

I don’t really think the issue is about Christmas. Although what you describe sounds tortuous OP so you have my sympathies.

It’s that your partner is disregarding your feelings. And putting your in-laws before you. And his own difficult feelings of not wanting to appear the ‘bad guy’ to his family, by telling them there’s going to be a different way of doing things this year.

I’d stay firm and keep restating that he’s had the Christmas he wants for the past so many years, now it’s your turn. No histrionics, stay calm and repeat.

And I’d be expecting him to back me up when they get bitchy.

Good luck.

Ideally you'd want them to come on boxing day, much easier in so many ways. So move Christmas.

Kids have "family Christmas" on Christmas eve...family gifts.. lovely meal, dress up etc..dh does all the cooking
Then on Christmas day they get 1 santa present..plus whatever the relatives bring
Relatives turn up and make mess..no problem it's all over with really.
Dh can spend more time with the whole family ( so how can he object) as he did all the cooking yesterday and can reheat the huge amounts of leftovers as a buffet because "they dont really care about that sort of thing"

The kids will love two days of Christmas..everybody wins.

Every year is precious for your kids. Don't waste a single year. If this is what you really want, fight for it.

I think you should see his family every other year and get to have a nuclear family Christmas in between. We did it for the first time last year and it was lovely. You need to have a proper conversation with him about it and be honest about what you want and how last Christmas made you feel.

Give it back to your dh

tell him, if you want to host your parents for xmas that is fine- you'll be shopping in Tesco for all the foo, cooking and decorating the house etc. They really don't like the effort I go to so I will leave it to you to organise, seriously why have them round when they can't see the point?

What I will do is host them Boxing Day and put on a buffet and everyone can get stuck in

its your choice

i think you just need to be firm.

I missed how old your DCs are, can you instill into them that they don't open presents unless you are there (to photograph it for the ILs if you like...)

But i would be firm. You want x christmas and he wants y christmas so it is fair to alternate. And just keep repeating that.

ETA: if they EVER put a carrier bag on my beautifully decorated table i would go BALLASTIC on their backsides.