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Original poster

To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

261 replies

Nant90 · 28/10/2025 13:03

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 28/10/2025 20:41

Nant90 · 28/10/2025 14:24

I do actually quite like the idea of me doing more of the cooking so I could hide in the kitchen (drinking wine) BUT I want to spend the day with the dc. Dh is already sahd and I work f/t and do feel I miss out a bit. I want to be around the dc as much as possible when I'm off, especially on Christmas Day.

It's also reminded me of another annoying thing they do - they seem to go out of their way to give the dc their gifts when I'm out of the room. So I'll nip to get something and then when I come back they'll have opened something with them (and will probably be moaning that the dc don't appreciate it as they have too much...). If I was there I would make sure the dc were gracious but they have this weird thing about giving things when I'm momentarily absent, for some reason.

I’d tell do they can come for the 27th and if he lets them give the dc their gifts while you are out of the room they are never ever welcome for Christmas again, since he hasn’t supported you and Christmas is no big deal he will support you in your plans this year. Is there somewhere you could take the kids for Christmas instead (away for a few nights) to be really clear you’re serious? Tell him you’re booking by Saturday unless his parents are locked in for the 27th.

mondaytosunday · 28/10/2025 20:25

Why does his wish outweigh yours? I’d tell him no - you’ve hosted for several years and not this one. If HE says fine I’m not doing the cooking then, well a turkey roast isn’t that hard.

nutbrownhare15 · 28/10/2025 20:07

And yes you need clearer boundaries. 'Please come from 12 and not 10 as we'll all be in our pyjamas.' 'Please don't comment on the numbers of presents, we wouldn't do that to you with a big smile' 'pleas don't comment on the amount the kids eat we wouldn't want them to have issues with food when they are older with a big smile'. And tbh if you ever host again DH needs to say all these messages firmly to them in advance.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 28/10/2025 20:02

Your husband is the problem here. How can he simultaneously claim that Xmas isn't a big deal and say that his family must come on that day, and no other?
Please be way less 'tentative' and assert what you really want.
It's lovely that he likes to cook for everyone, but absolutely no reason why his relatives can't come and eat on Boxing Day for a change.

Vivisays · 28/10/2025 19:47

Vaxtable · 28/10/2025 13:19

So you say to your dh that you want Christmas just you as a family, and not his parents and the rest, and that perhaps sil could host them

if he insists you just say that’s not the Christmas you want so you won’t be doing anything, all presents, wrapping purchase and prep of food and hosting will be on him, you are taking the day off

100% this 👆🏻

nutbrownhare15 · 28/10/2025 19:38

Tell him you are alternating years as many couples do where one year he gets to invite his family and the next you get to invite yours and the family you choose to invite this year is you him and the kids.

Daisymay8 · 28/10/2025 19:23

Well, sounds like you are paying for Cmas dinner even if DH cooks it. If you can’t cancel it at least make sure they arrive at 2 for a late dinner at 3 or 4.
Sounds most unenjoyable for you which isnt fair imv.

Joeylove88 · 28/10/2025 19:19

Zempy · 28/10/2025 13:13

Just tell him he will be doing all the work. All the planning/shopping/cooling/hosting.

Then get strategic flu and spend the day having a lovely time in your bed.

Strategic flu absolute genius term love it 😁

JudgeJ · 28/10/2025 19:08

In my view, your husband would be expected to take your side.

Why? It seems to be the MN view that men are expected to toe their wives' line and not have a contrary opinion about anything. Why can the OP not be expected to take her husband's side occasionally?

KindnessIsKey123 · 28/10/2025 19:08

FinancesSorted · 28/10/2025 18:20

You need to break this level of entitlement. If DH insists on them coming then say their arrival time should be 2pm for 3pm lunch. You can then have a lovely time in the morning. Keep reminding them not to arrive until 2pm on a regular basis. On Christmas Day set a departure time of 6.30 as children need to wind down before bed. This has worked perfectly for my relatives and in-laws over the years especially when others have not been keen on hosting - you host then it’s your rules otherwise they can bugger off. Tell DH that Christmas is for the children not a bunch of grinches

This is a really good idea. My dad would go and get my Nana and uncle who livedacross the other side of town, at 11:30/12 on Christmas Day. And then take them back about 6 pm. It was a great system.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2025 19:08

YANBU at all

They sound like horrible people tbh!

pizzaHeart · 28/10/2025 19:05

I think you need to take emotions out of this conversation and just get ready answers for DH so to answer “what else would we be doing” present him with a plan for the day , try to include things you know he’d like whatever it is. Have a think beforehand. Give him something different to look forward to.
“where would they go? “ to SIL/ auntie Mary/ grandad John/ nowhere ( don’t say that you don’t care which is a real answer I suspect)
“why” try to give him a list of reasons : their comments are rude and setting up a bad example for DC, spoil fun etc etc .
I also don’t like them coming at 10 if they are clearly invited for 12 or later. Are you sure that your DH communicates this well? I’m a bit suspicious of him, he is the main problem here.

Stop it now. Don’t make it a tradition. Do alternate years only as a compromise not a solution ( if you want to).

KindnessIsKey123 · 28/10/2025 19:05

Stillhoping1990 · 28/10/2025 19:03

Can we all just agree to cancel Christmas? Love the festivities leading up to it but the actual day causes so many arguments. We have the issue every year of who’s parents to be with and where to be and all just a headache. I’d rather go on holiday

Yes I would sign that petition!!!

KindnessIsKey123 · 28/10/2025 19:05

They sound very much like my in laws both in table ruining, cheap presents & gift commenting. I told my husband never again. Your issue is your husband. Tell him it’s loads of effort and you’re knackered. If he wants them to come he can buy you all a pub lunch out.

Stillhoping1990 · 28/10/2025 19:03

Can we all just agree to cancel Christmas? Love the festivities leading up to it but the actual day causes so many arguments. We have the issue every year of who’s parents to be with and where to be and all just a headache. I’d rather go on holiday

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/10/2025 19:03

It's so unfair that he has made himself the boss and dictating how things are.

Perhaps it's to maintain some sense of male ego, what with his wife being the breadwinner.

It's your home too, and it's out of order that HE is making the overriding decision, who the fuck does he think he is?

If he is unwilling to compromise to having them alternate years instead, then you have a serious DH problem, more so than you already have.

If they end up with you again, be sure to call them out on their behaviour, make it uncomfortable for them. And if they end up giving your son body issues over their "fat" comments, jesus, they'd never be welcome in my home ever again. Every time they do or say something rude, say "did you mean to be so rude Judy?", "have you lost your manners Judy?", "do you mean to be so disrespectful Judy?". Just keep continuously turning it back on them to the point they feel awkward and uncomfortable, and if your DH dares to say anything, ask him why he things it's ok for YOU and your DC to be made to feel awkward and uncomfortable in your own home but not his rude family?

Grrrr I'm hating your DH right now.

sussexman · 28/10/2025 19:00

Nant90 · 28/10/2025 13:03

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

We went away as a family for a Christmas treat one year. Perhaps you could find an unexpected opportunity to do that; it would also help with the "what else would we be doing" question.

GreenOtter · 28/10/2025 18:55

Is SIL and aunt partnerless? So do they band together all times of the year and barge in or is it saved for Christmas?

What does your FIL do for Christmas (I saw you wrote he is separated from MIL)?

I was also annoyed to hear about the ruined table setting. I would have pushed their bags off and let them fall to the floor.

CheekyRaven · 28/10/2025 18:55

Tell DH that he'll he doing the cooking, cleaning and washing up as you'll have a headache!!

junebirthdaygirl · 28/10/2025 18:50

You said you are low contact with your family so obviously they are annoying in major ways. So this year why not invite them for Christmas and see how dh feels having annoying folk foisted on him for Christmas..his eyes might be open.
And if anyone moved one thing in advance on my beautifully laid Christmas table l would lose the plot ..not to talk of shopping bags.

carchi · 28/10/2025 18:43

Praying4Peace · 28/10/2025 13:20

It's only one day and your ils are your husband's family

It's only one day so why can't the husbands family sort themselves out instead of relying on OP every time. Works both ways.

Chumbawomble · 28/10/2025 18:38

They sound dreadful - such bad manners and extremely rude. Hope you manage to get the Christmas you want. We've had some awful Christmasses because of inconsiderate older relatives. Enough is enough.

Poodleville · 28/10/2025 18:26

Yanbu.
Not sure how you should handle it with DH, but if they are coming and ignoring the arrival time you give maybe consider getting out of the house with children in the morning until the time you asked them to arrive, or at least so you're not there when they arrive and stuck with them all morning. Not sure how old your DC are, but going to feed ducks or playground or whatever!
Might not be your preferred way to spend Xmas morning but might be preferable, and reinforce the message they are ignoring I.e. please arrive at 12. I appreciate not all kids like leaving the house on Xmas day so might need some incentives to get then on board!

Also, maybe consider a Xmas eve ritual (giving one present, eating something simple but nice) - so you have more of the kind of Christmas you'd like, without them zapping the good vibes.

Wishing you luck

safetyfreak · 28/10/2025 18:22

Oh my, we only have one life. Imagine being stuck spending all Christmases with the in-laws, how miserable. Put a stop to it NOW.

SaratogaFilly · 28/10/2025 18:21

JadziaD · 28/10/2025 16:11

The more I think about this, the more I think you do have a DH problem. Becuase it's the disrespect they're showing you that's as much of a problem as anything else. DH can be a bit too accomodating of his family but he will NOT allow them to ever speak disrepectfully to or about me or the DC. Ever. And he has made that clear from day 1 when he firmly told MIL, about 15 minutes after she met our newborn DS for the first time that no, she didn't get to have an opinion on whether DS was hungry or not.

So, be prepared to properly head off things you KNOW they will do:
"Hi everyone. Merry Christmas. How lovely to see you blah blah blah... come in. I'v ejust finished setting the table so please put your gifts and parcels and bags ovr here rather - I don't want things disrupted"

"No MIL - DC can eat whatever they like at Christmas"

"If you call my child fat, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. That's completely unacceptable language to use around a child." (or some lighter version - my dad has a few issues with weight so I've had to say similar to him a few times along lines of, "Daaaed, no, we're not saying that. It' snot okay. Please keep your opinions to yourself" but of course, it's easier if you're doing it ot your own parent. But ifyour DH wont' step up, you have to. \

\

This!

Plus your DH needs to compromise and it’s every other year, not every year. If he didn’t agree to this, I’d take the kids away & leave him home alone with his parents & sister but I appreciate that’s quite extreme.