Page 4 | To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

Original poster

Nant90 · 29/10/2025 10:30

Thanks everyone for the support here.

I do have an update but it's still a bit up in the air. I told dh quite firmly that I didn't want Christmas to be like previous years with them here all day long and making disparaging comments. He got really defensive and started accusing me of not liking his family, which obviously does have some truth to it I suppose - I don't like how they behave anyway! The thing is, I honestly wouldn't mind as much if he backed me sometimes, but he never ever does. The other thing is, I think he has a lot of 'issues' where family is concerned. I am the first to admit I have quite a complex relationship with my family, especially my dad, hence being low contact. There are addiction issues and so on and I am upfront about it.

But dh makes out his are great and an ideal family, but he didn't see his dad for years (before he met me) and only reconciled due to his sister getting them together - he's never told me the details and I think there is unresolved stuff there. Then he cannot say no to his mum and I know has issues there due to her leaving his dad when dh was 15 and not offering to take him with her - sister had already left home. Now he acts like she walks on water. He also worships his sister but she is quite a difficult person and, though I get on ok with her, she has a definite 'eldest' vibe with dh which she sometimes transfers onto me. I get it - families are messy and mixed feelings abound, but he won't ever discuss any of this properly with me and last night went on the attack. Apparently just because I don't want to see my family doesn't mean others are the same and normal people want to see their family on Christmas day. This is after years of telling me how pointless Christmas is and how ridiculous I am for doing table settings/decorations etc. I'm really unhappy. He has said he will speak to them about coming later in the day but I'm not convinced it will happen. I am going to take the advice upthread about me going out with the dc in the morning though - ds2 is getting a scooter and I'm sure both will be more than happy to come to the park for a bit - people can come with me or not if they are there.

I wouldn't mind supporting him with it all but it's the disrespect. Someone upthread mentioned it being another Sunday if we don't have family but that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm a teacher and Sunday from around 3pm tends to be about work for me. We rarely have a roast and weekends are quite full. Saturday I try and take the dc out for the day, Sunday morning try and do a local playground or something and then work. I just want a relaxing lowkey Christmas without people muttering about bloody humous and crackers (what his sister got out of her carrier bag as soon as she came in last year) and putting me and my kids down.

I feel I ought to add, I actually don't dislike his family most of the time and in smaller doses and at less heightened times we generally get on. I just don't think us all spending Christmas all together in the same house works that well for any of us and I wish we could drop it.

OP posts:

ConverseAddict · 29/10/2025 10:30

the best time to bring this up is straight after Christmas, not wait until the end of the year.
We spent Christmas and NY at in-laws once. It was horrendous, I’m still annoyed 20 years later about it. DH was talking on the way home how successful he thought it had been and we should do it every year? I was very clear that it was a one off, how awful it had been and now I was limiting visits to 2/3 nights. I stuck to that.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/10/2025 10:06

I’d let them come but a find way of limiting the length of the visit. Either be direct and say you need them to leave a couple of hours before DC bedtime,or make a plan so that you are all out of the house for a walk after lunch, and they then go straight home, or even you all go to theirs for pudding and drinks, and you can then leave to go home when it suits you.

MissDoubleU · 29/10/2025 09:58

At the very end of the day you have done Christmas his preferred way for X number of years in a row. It is the very least he can do to allow you one Christmas your way.

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/10/2025 09:57

@Nant90 id tell him you are putting your foot down this year . That he has had it his way or their way for years and you need/want this.
Also tell him once more that you don’t appreciate the things they say to your kids and the way they behave. .
Make sure he knows there are two of you on this marriage plus your kids , not him and his family.

wfhwfh · 29/10/2025 09:27

Nocookiesforme · 28/10/2025 13:32

You have a DP problem OP and not an inlaw problem so much.

I think that you are just going to have to put your foot down very firmly with this as we had to. We had this going on every year until we had enough and said that we wouldn't be hosting Christmas Day one year and just wanted the day to be us and the DC but that we were happy to do a lunch on Boxing Day with an open house invite for anyone who wanted to come. OMG - the complaining and the guilt tripping went on for weeks! In the end we booked and paid for them to have a Christmas dinner at a restaurant near them and to provide a taxi service for Boxing Day - cost a bloody fortune but we got our 'family' veg out Christmas and it was bliss. As the kids got older they understood that one day had to be duty day and the other day was fun day.
Your DH is another problem. He claims not to care but isn't listening to you and what you would like. The outcome depends on how brave you feel in being firm with him. If he doesn't like it then perhaps he should go to his parents and have the day with them? I would bet good money on him not actually helping you anyway?
Or you tell the DC that they have a duty day with relatives and the next day is your proper family Christmas day. On the duty day provide a good meal with cheap crackers etc and do a small number of gifts and then put the TV on - that's it. Make drinks occasionally and offer cake in the afternoon and do nothing else - after all they don't see the fuss about Christmas do they????

This is a great idea! Save your lovely table centrepiece for when the ILs won’t squash it.

I also would not tolerate comments on my children’s bodies - especially as they get older. I’d speak to your DH now and say this has to be stopped and - if the comments are from his family - he needs to be the one to do it.

PloddingAlong21 · 29/10/2025 09:13

Anxioustealady · 29/10/2025 09:07

Yes but you make it sound like OP is wrong, instead of just a difference in opinion.

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I disagree and not my intention.

I’ve said I don’t agree with being on your own in her specific scenario and stated why, with the view it will make her consider that and whether it’s fair on her DH.

Maybe she will go “I suppose it is a bit like a glorified roast” or maybe she will go “no it’s extra special even considering that viewpoint.”

MY viewpoint is that it’s just a glorified Sunday if they do nothing different, her DH’s too from the sounds of it. She needs to consider his feelings (which she is trying to do from this thread). However he is obviously not considering hers and putting any boundaries in place with his family.

Either way they need to compromise and the most obvious way seems to be setting a visiting time so they aren’t being subject to them being in their faces from first thing in the morning.

Anxioustealady · 29/10/2025 09:07

PloddingAlong21 · 29/10/2025 08:58

Clearly her DH doesn’t feel this way though, which is the issue.

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Yes but you make it sound like OP is wrong, instead of just a difference in opinion.

PloddingAlong21 · 29/10/2025 08:58

Anxioustealady · 29/10/2025 08:32

Fine if you don't but I love small nuclear family Christmas and it does feel special still. Lots of people feel the same way.

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Clearly her DH doesn’t feel this way though, which is the issue.

Anxioustealady · 29/10/2025 08:32

PloddingAlong21 · 29/10/2025 06:25

Their behaviour is unreasonable and much of it should be called out. Commenting on weight or eating if harsh. I would be shutting that down in the moment. Failing that, comment on them in the same way so they get it. On the receiving end they’ll think you’re being nasty I bet.

I spoil my son at Christmas with toys. We were spoilt like that at Christmas as kids and I’ve never been bratty or unappreciative. I think it’s how you raise them and I also think of someone chooses too - that’s upto them. People have different spend points and what they’re comfortable with. Whether someone deems it unnecessary it’s irrelevant and they should pipe down. I know my in-laws were shocked when my son was smaller, they never commented (as they’re lovely and kind and polite). As such, keep spending whatever you want too and ignore them.

Make a new tradition where you all swap gifts together? Announce it when they get here. “Let me get drinks and let’s all swap gifts together ones we have them!”

However….the one thing I would say I disagree on it making the whole day just the 3 of you. Family can be annoying but it’s one day! As your DH points out, what else will you do? It’s a glorified roast dinner which is how different to a normal Sunday? Family makes it different. Also your kid will love the hustle and bustle even with all their short comings. My son is an on out child and I think he loves the family coming over beyond all else (he isn’t starved for interaction. They live down the road and he sees them all daily!). Xmas just ‘feels’ different.

if you want one day just the three of you, you have a whole hunch of days leading up to/inbetween.

As such, to say you don’t want them there at all I’ve said YABU. 10am - 7pm though? Heck no. Not before 12 here!

Fine if you don't but I love small nuclear family Christmas and it does feel special still. Lots of people feel the same way.

Shessweetbutapsycho · 29/10/2025 08:28

If they do end up coming, perhaps a conversation with your husband beforehand about him supporting you in shutting down any negative comments about what your kids eat or the gifts they receive. Be prepared to challenge your in laws on the day too.

dottiedodah · 29/10/2025 08:25

I think it's difficult .DH is obv keen on his family round for Christmas ..I would be cross at dumping bags on your lovely table though! I would not be happy about food comments .Say something like "Alfie is a growing boy,it's good he eats well. good wholesome food is what's needed .Im sure you agree" I think the comments about presents are what older people often think ,there was less around then and so its more marked .TBH few people have a "perfect" Christmas though .and as DH wants them, and cooks its hard to break that.He may not enjoy it so much then .Maybe plan for a panto on boxing day? or a nice lunch out just you DH and DC followed by a walk.Something to look forward to!

Nochoiceofuser · 29/10/2025 08:21

@Nant90 could you tweak things a bit? Maybe suggest to your DC mid afternoon that you go for a walk to see the Christmas lights in your area (there's usually lots of lovely garden displays around us) with a bit of luck your in-laws won't want to go and you can have an hour of peace from their moaning and the children will have fun as well as some fresh air. As they don't appreciate your efforts with table settings etc why not do that on Christmas eve with just you and Hubby after the kids are in bed (dress it up as a romantic meal for just you 2 before the chaos begins) and just have a plain table on Christmas day. When our kids were little we would open Father Christmas presents in our bedroom (usually as some ungodly hour but it was only once a year!) and often most of them stayed there until later in the day (there was usually one or two immediate favourites that went straight downstairs when we got up) so if you did that they couldn't comment about the kids being spoilt as they wouldn't see much. The comment about a child's weight/amount they eat should be nipped in the bud straight off, many children that I know (and I've worked in childcare most of my adult life) go a bit chubby before they have a growth spurt and then slim off, most young children will only eat until full and don't most adults over-eat at Christmas anyway so I would imagine the in-laws aren't having a small plate of food at dinnertime and are grazing on sweets and treats during the rest of the day.
Sorry this has turned into a bit of an essay but hope it gives you some ideas for how to cope, and maybe start the conversation in january about next Christmas

Lauzg90 · 29/10/2025 08:00

Had similar with my Husband. Begged last year just to spend it as the 4 of us. He said no. We eventually agreed that we would spend the morning here, have his parents for lunch and then visit mine for the evening. His parents said no, so he agreed (without asking me) that we would go there for lunch. It meant the kids opened their presents, got dressed, had to leave their presents and spends over an hour in the car. Have more presents, lunch, another over an hour in the car, more presents dinner. It was hectic! I made sure to point this all out along the way!
This year he has agreed that we will have morning and lunch alone and everyone over on the evening. Definitely a compromise for both of us but an improvement. Maybe you could do something similar? Invite them over for a buffet dinner at like 5 or 6? Xx

Delatron · 29/10/2025 08:00

Stillhoping1990 · 28/10/2025 19:03

Can we all just agree to cancel Christmas? Love the festivities leading up to it but the actual day causes so many arguments. We have the issue every year of who’s parents to be with and where to be and all just a headache. I’d rather go on holiday

This would be my dream. I’ve cooked Christmas dinner the last 15 bloody years bar one.

When I had DS1 who is now 16, MIL said to me ‘now it’s your turn!’

Delatron · 29/10/2025 07:54

ItsAllGoneQuietOverThere · 28/10/2025 14:10

He invited 19???

You like a quiet Christmas??

Id have shot him!!

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😂 It was insanity. He invited random
people like his cousin’s wife’s Mum. This is what I’m working with. He therefore thinks us and his parents is a quiet Christmas. I can’t tell you how happy I was in lockdown. I had my dream Christmas…

Nochoiceofuser · 29/10/2025 07:48

ManteesRock · 28/10/2025 15:43

The person that cooks gets to decide who they host - sorry!

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I disagree, I do the cooking in our house but still discuss with my Husband who we have for Christmas and any guests who were rude about the way we celebrate our Christmas day (comments about the amount of presents and especially the amount of food a child eats!) they wouldn't get a second invitation.

MincePiesAndStilton · 29/10/2025 06:44

Put your foot down OP. Either he does Christmas your way, or he does Christmas his way and facilitates it. Truly outrageous that you’ve never had a Christmas alone with your little family.

PloddingAlong21 · 29/10/2025 06:25

Their behaviour is unreasonable and much of it should be called out. Commenting on weight or eating if harsh. I would be shutting that down in the moment. Failing that, comment on them in the same way so they get it. On the receiving end they’ll think you’re being nasty I bet.

I spoil my son at Christmas with toys. We were spoilt like that at Christmas as kids and I’ve never been bratty or unappreciative. I think it’s how you raise them and I also think of someone chooses too - that’s upto them. People have different spend points and what they’re comfortable with. Whether someone deems it unnecessary it’s irrelevant and they should pipe down. I know my in-laws were shocked when my son was smaller, they never commented (as they’re lovely and kind and polite). As such, keep spending whatever you want too and ignore them.

Make a new tradition where you all swap gifts together? Announce it when they get here. “Let me get drinks and let’s all swap gifts together ones we have them!”

However….the one thing I would say I disagree on it making the whole day just the 3 of you. Family can be annoying but it’s one day! As your DH points out, what else will you do? It’s a glorified roast dinner which is how different to a normal Sunday? Family makes it different. Also your kid will love the hustle and bustle even with all their short comings. My son is an on out child and I think he loves the family coming over beyond all else (he isn’t starved for interaction. They live down the road and he sees them all daily!). Xmas just ‘feels’ different.

if you want one day just the three of you, you have a whole hunch of days leading up to/inbetween.

As such, to say you don’t want them there at all I’ve said YABU. 10am - 7pm though? Heck no. Not before 12 here!

WFHmumof2 · 29/10/2025 06:08

Nant90 · 28/10/2025 13:03

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

October is too late to change plans now. I would just suck it up this year and on the actual day drop huge hints about how you’re thinking of changing things next year. You can blame the kids etc.
Before kids we were driving here there and everywhere keeping both families happy. We were exhausted!
Once baby was born we told both families that we were staying home Christmas Day and would have our door open for anyone wishing to visit.
we get visitors but no one stays all day. It worked out great for us

MrsPrendergast · 29/10/2025 05:59

Hi @Nant90. How did the conversation go last night?

Wallywobbles · 28/10/2025 22:12

Just say look having your family piss on my chips completely ruins Christmas for me and it’s turned my favorite day of the year into something I now dread.

PullTheBricksDown · 28/10/2025 22:09

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/10/2025 20:41

I’d tell do they can come for the 27th and if he lets them give the dc their gifts while you are out of the room they are never ever welcome for Christmas again, since he hasn’t supported you and Christmas is no big deal he will support you in your plans this year. Is there somewhere you could take the kids for Christmas instead (away for a few nights) to be really clear you’re serious? Tell him you’re booking by Saturday unless his parents are locked in for the 27th.

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This is a good idea. I would make the not opening the presents without you there a red line. In fact say 'right, time to open the DC presents' and if they demur say 'no, I'm not going to miss it this year so let's do it now' and just sit down and look at them until they comply.

I would also insist that they come Boxing Day this year and make that your larger family day. If husband disagrees quote the 'it doesn't really matter to them' point. In fact just tell them you're switching the days round and say to him he's overruled you every other year so this time you're doing it to him.

I say shift them to Boxing Day rather than move your own family time to then, because yours is more important. Your kids are still young and deserve the focus on Christmas day to be on them in their own home.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 28/10/2025 21:39

I agree with some other posters. Make a big deal of Christmas Eve, strip back the Christmas lunch, make a huge deal of Boxing Day.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 28/10/2025 21:25

F me, have your own family Christmas. He’s had his way every time despite not enjoying Christmas that much, sounds toxic AF!! YANBU!!