To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

My husband really likes a massive family Christmas and I hate it. I endured it for years and then just plainly said I want to have some years doing whatever I choose, and it wasn't up for negotiation. Since then we take turns.

Put your foot down OP, and I don't like negative comments about what children eat or calling them "fat". Knock that on the head straightaway.

Whats your point? In laws are extended family , its perfectly ok to want to make some memories with just your kids and hubby for once and its actually weird for the ops husband to not want understand this for one year to be with just his wife and kids. Hardly an ask.

Nah fuck that. To lots of people christmas is about children, sounds like your dh wants to keep his parents comfortable but doesn't care about the rest of his family. If he won't tell them to back off this year, make it clear you're having a family day and they can come at say 2pm till 5pm. He has to compromise.

Christmas is for family in my book. I hosted all of them for 40 years on boxing day and Christmas Day, and never resented it for one second. And now they're all gone I am grateful that I have all those memories. And as important, my children and grandchildren have those memories. No they weren't all saints, they could be awkward, that's families for you.

I'm glad you aren't all related to me, complaining about trivia like carrier bags on a table.

The most treasured memories of my childhood were not the stuff we were given, but the memories of my grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins perched round our table, and the relationship with them which has lasted all our lives with our shared memories.

I had a friend who told me NEVER to get into hosting Christmas. We didn't. We always did our own thing. I'm from a big family, DH has one sister. We had my Mum one year after my Dad passed away. After that my mum deteriorated and passed away too. When FIL passed away it suddenly became alternating between us and SIL to host. It utterly p's me off if i'm honest (and its only one person!!!) so my heart goes out to you. I'd absolutely have to be firm and say no to them. They sound to bloody stressful and your kids should be your priority, no matter who's cooking the food!!!!

I had/have a very difficult relationship with my current partner (of 16 years) parents - his mother was very two faced : would say one thing to your face and then another behind your back, she'd agree with the last person she had spoken to on any subject and pulled the 'helpless little woman' act - that really fucking irritated me. She died 2 years ago. His father is even worse: a racist, homophobic, xenophobic brexit voter (I'm French). Also the type that thinks he gets a say on what other adults do in their lives. He tried that shit with me when I was first with my partner (I was 41!), and he got the shock of his life when I ignored his attempts to control me...he really didn't like it. After that I was no contact with his family - my choice - for about 4 years before his mother died. There was no funeral...I've spoken very briefly to his father once since then. Living 200 miles away and having no kids makes it easier!

I had the 'you don't like my mother/father' jibes thrown at me (when she was still alive) - in the end I got fed up of hearing it and told my partner that no, I don't like them, both of his parents had made it pretty obvious they didn't like me, for reasons that I couldn't control/had any say over, that I wasn't obliged to do so just because they were his parents, and that if any other adult acted the way they did towards me, I wouldn't like them, either. He never said it to me again.

I agree with @FinancesSorted , you need to be blunt with your husband. The world won't end if you admit that they aren't your favourite people to spend time with.

Honestly @Nant90 grow a backbone otherwise this Christmas will be just like the others. Why do you have to take the kids and hide for a couple of hours? You have to tell his family that arrival time is 2pm

The alternative is to book an Airbnb somewhere in order to escape.

does your DH really understand how unhappy you are / have been with past Christmas Days? That you just don’t enjoy it? Be blunt with him

I’m really indignant on your behalf @Nant90 ! I want to ask your DH “so you get the Christmas you want every single year, despite saying that Christmas isn’t all that, whereas you are happy for Nant, who loves Christmas, to never have it the way she wants it, ever. And she has to suck that up because why, you’re more important than her?”
I’d lay it out in those terms because ATEOTD that’s what he’s telling you. It shouldn’t matter how you feel about his mum, it’s not an offence to want Christmas just for your family even if it’s only once while the kids are little. It’s incredibly selfish for him to insist on his way every single year. Whatever would he say if you wanted to host your own family every other year (the norm for many couples, of course)?

Damage limitation: if you've found you've lost the battle for Christmas day this year (but I'm still not giving up on you!), do present opening with the kids and DH when you all wake up. Then it's just the four of you and you have precious time without snarky comments. Then you can go out for the morning and only have to deal with them for lunch / afternoon. It also changes the established routine.

As an aside, if your DH won't see your side in how badly your inlaws behave, this is what works for me: I don't criticise them at all. Not at all. No matter how unreasonable they are being. DH then tends to bring up a couple of things and only when he's said 'that was off' do I agree. Then that gives him a safe space to talk about their behaviour, because when you bring it up he feels he has to defend them. With that strategy, you break that pattern.

“It’s my Christmas too, and it’s really special, and I want some say in what we do. Let’s alternate years. You can organise next year your way, this year we’ll do it my way.”

All of this.

It’s really tough being the only sane one amongst a family with toxic dynamics. It’s like you’ve been taken on by a strange tribe to be used as a scapegoat. Maybe that’s me projecting.. but I know the frustration!

Then don't host them, just say no. I have done this for years because I can't stand xmas. I have very strict boundaries around xmas - I basically want to be left well alone.
It took some years but the family now just accept it.

I got fed up of the same plans every year and so I suggested we go away for the week to a lodge , he got on board quite civil and we did end up going ! It was a very peaceful Xmas and quality time with my two boys x

Also as sad as your DH childhood is ,many of us have had negative experiences around Xmas and we don't use that as an excuse to ruin Xmas for everyone for ever more.

No.

Op this is awful !
How dare they ?? How rude ??

And no ,don't pare down decorations to make them happy with a Spartan sanctimonious Xmas id go even more all out, I'm defiantly a Christmas maximalist !!

You must take more responsibility here and push back.
When for instance bags were dumped into the middle of your table did you say anything ? Make anyone aware it was unacceptable ?

Don't let these things slide.

Mil are you ok did you realise you have just dumped bags into the middle of my display ?
I've spent time and effort on that !

Any single negative comment ....patronising big smile..come on folks it's Christmas day !
Can we put our negative aside for a few hours please. .

And I d call out the dont likenxmas.

Yes I was discussing this with dh ,you see I do really like Christmas and I'm wondering what you come here for if you don't like it . Wouldn't it be better if you all went away and sat it out or host each other in a way you think is suitable ?

It does sound complicated from your update.

I wonder if he has ever actually considered what it's like for you spending every single Christmas with in laws. It's tiring in a way that he doesn't experience - if he'd had to spend the last 10 Christmases with your family because it was so important to you, wouldn't he fancy a year off too? But you haven't asked that of him.

I don't know where you both sit on the introvert/extrovert axis, but I wonder if a combination of that and your different lives might be feeding into this. Your job is very socially demanding, being out in the world interacting intensively with people all day. So in holidays an introvert doing your role might be desperately in need of some alone/quiet family time to recharge. Whereas a SAHD, without denigrating the role at all, it has much lower social battery demands. He might be coming to the holidays more able - and more in need of - those same interactions which make you want to crawl away and sob in a corner. Not necessarily that he is an extrovert and you an introvert, but the holidays serve different purposes for you both. And the demand is always higher on you because in laws use more social battery than blood relatives.

Sounds like your H should get some gift vouchers for therapy as his Christmas gift.

I have found that some men have bizarre, idealistic and performative views about family and how they want to be perceived - in other words your DH wants to be perceived as completely traditional and family-focused by all the people who ask him about his Christmas before and after.

I think it’s some kind measure of happiness and stability for them, no matter how dysfunctional the reality of their relationships and time spent together. It’s about going through the motions at any cost.

Really sad to hear your H reacted so badly to your totally reasonable requests and compromises. He is the twat that stole Christmas. Don’t give up.

And you tell your ILs yourself about what time to come - don’t rely on him: “We are going out in the morning and will look for seeing you at 1pm.” Then take children to bed when you want and follow them. Leave H with his ‘wonderful’ family.

Is he this dismissive of your opinions and feelings in other areas and about other matters @Nant90 ?

I tried to change Christmas... and got pressure/guilt tripping from all sides. Only succeeded when one DH family member was so bloody awful at Xmas that I said enough is enough. Wish I'd done it when DC were younger as I see it will be harder to have them all together now. Don't give away your Christmases. This is your time.
Other alternative is to book a trip away.

@Nant90
Hmmm....I really feel for you OP and this is far more complex that it appears on the surface. This is my take and only you know if this could be correct or not.

Despite having had not ideal childhood Christmas' your DH says he doesn't care about Christmas but what he's actually doing every year is recreating a childhood Christmas and trying to achieve a happier outcome - as bizarre and odd as that sounds. So he's stuck in a loop of trying to have the childhood Christmas that he wanted but didn't get....and it's damaging for him (and for your family) because it's his shitty family dynamic that spoils his fantasy and that will never change until he realises it.
This is why he's so disparaging of your efforts to make it magical for you, the DC and him. You make things lovely and it reminds him that his childhood wasn't great. It makes him look at the deep feelings of resentment that he's pushed down about his upbringing and seeing everything lovely reminds him how shit it all was/is. Seeing your own DC have a wonderful Christmas raises feelings that he'd rather not remember or feel. When you DH shouts you down saying that you don't like his family what he could be saying is 'I don't like my family but I can't admit that'.
From my point of view it's a bit fucked up he needs therapy to unpick this. Meanwhile you have to walk on eggshells.

I agree with @Rosiedayss . He can go there. You need to stick up for yourself properly. Sounds like he shouts you down until you give in. How disrespectful.

So your bully husband doesn't care about what you like, is fixated on doing what he wants, hosting his uncouth family?

And you are the main earner?
I am sorry OP but you sound like a complete doormat, every Christmas dominated by his family. Ruining your table setting tells me that they are dog rough and deliberately nasty znd disrespectful towards you.

Yet you allow this to continue and for your husband to shut you down and dismiss you, in your home.

You will come to bitterly regret this when Santa is finished with and you don't have a single memory of a nice easy Christmas day.

I simply wouldn't tolerate it. Tell him to go to theirs if that is what he wants.

So everybody else's Christmas enjoyment matters - except for yours? You've put up with this for years. It's your turn to have a nice Christmas day for a change. Let your "D"H have his lovely day with his family ... whilst you and the kids go and have a wonderful couple of days at a hotel (well, that's what I'd be inclined to do).