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Original poster

To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

261 replies

Nant90 · 28/10/2025 13:03

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 28/10/2025 13:29

I can't get past the carriers on the lovely set Christmas table OP 😳, who does that!! I'd be raging. I can't bear it if everyone trundles in and leaves coats on sofas and bags at the side, let alone ON THE TABLE! 😡

shampooing · 28/10/2025 13:27

It doesn’t matter who does the work, you also have a say in how you spend Christmas (DH cooks Christmas dinner 90% of the time here but it doesn’t mean he would try to dictate our plans for the day).

I would tell him now that you don’t want to host this year - surely you are allowed a say?

We have always taken care never to get into any set patterns of hosting or being hosted, none of this alternating Christmas rota nonsense. Also no mixing of both sets of in-laws.

I personally like a Christmas just DH and DC but we have also had some with family or friends, or a sunshine holiday Christmas.

Luckyingame · 28/10/2025 13:25

Crazy, difficult.

I'm sorry, OP. ❤️
I can see already the "tentative suggesting" is not good. In my view, your husband would be expected to take your side.
I said this here many times also, I never hosted anyone in my home (I'm 46, no kids), Christmas will be just my husband and myself and I never missed out on anything!
Husband is also very happy about the setup.

What PPs said, your H ought to do most of the jobs involved.

toastofthetown · 28/10/2025 13:23

Have you suggested alternating years so one year his family come for Christmas this next year you get to decide? If you weren’t LC with your family it’s unlikely you’d spend every year with his family and alternating is a standard set up. And because his family were there last year, it’s your year this year.

WearyCat · 28/10/2025 13:23

Try again. Point out that you never get the Christmas you want, and it’s him who claims Christmas isn’t that important anyway so surely he won’t mind if you alternate between just you and hosting his family. If he won’t even consider it, I’d be asking if there’s anywhere else in your lives where it’s his way or no way?

Praying4Peace · 28/10/2025 13:20

It's only one day and your ils are your husband's family

Original poster
Nant90 · 28/10/2025 13:20

I maybe should have said that dh does the majority of the cooking - the full lunch itself- though I do the pudding. He does most of the cooking in the relationship as he is a sahd (with some paid wfh on the side). However, it is me who does the gift-buying and decorations etc as he doesn't see that as important, which is fine. I just don't want the day centred on them for once!

ETA: He loves cooking and wouldn't mind if I didn't make a pudding. He wouldn't mind if I chose not to do the things I normally do - I do them for my own benefit, not for his. It's just his family being there spoils it as they don't appreciate or value the things I do.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 28/10/2025 13:19

So you say to your dh that you want Christmas just you as a family, and not his parents and the rest, and that perhaps sil could host them

if he insists you just say that’s not the Christmas you want so you won’t be doing anything, all presents, wrapping purchase and prep of food and hosting will be on him, you are taking the day off

Hoppinggreen · 28/10/2025 13:15

Tell DH is he wants them there he hosts (ie does all the work), and then see how he feels about it.
I imagine he will be too chickeen to tell his Mum they aren't invited though so you will have to hold VERY firm
DH struggles with the idea that we didn't go to his Mums xmas Day but after me absolutely refusing one year he agreed how great it was and we have never been since

Zempy · 28/10/2025 13:13

Just tell him he will be doing all the work. All the planning/shopping/cooling/hosting.

Then get strategic flu and spend the day having a lovely time in your bed.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 28/10/2025 13:10

Who does the work? Shopping? Cleaning? Cooking? Present buying? Tidying up after guests? If it's not DH then it should be this year.....