To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

Completely this. Just 100 percent. ❤️

I think you’ve got to start being super vocal and correcting their behaviour right away in the moment - they’ll soon learn not to mess with you.

christmas aside because you’ve had enough advice regarding that….

@Nant90 PLEASE don’t wait for your husband to correct their behaviour (because he doesn’t!) YOU NEED to correct their behaviours as they happen…

bag on table ‘Can you not see the table is decorated and you’re ruining it MIL?
the comments about your child’s weight is totally out of order and PLEASE don’t tolerate this!! Tel hee hee comments are bloody rude and ask how she’d fee if one of the children heard her comments and felt crap about themselves!!
comments about presents - ‘YES MIL it is ANOTHER present - if you don’t like what I buy my own children please keep that opinion to yourself because you ruin my Christmas every year!!… if DH is upset with you for your directness then remind him you didn’t want them there for this exact reason - because you wanted a Christmas with YOUR kids without MIL criticising every bloody thing you do with YOUR FKN children!

but yes nip all the behaviours in the bud - not just at Christmas but all year round.

My daughter now has an eating disorder because of other people making flippant comments about her weight and about other peoples weight in front of her… I wish I could turn back the clock and stop all conversations based on other peoples appearances!

You definitely need to tell DH you’re actually pissed off that he gets the Christmas he wants every year and what you want doesn’t matter to him…. Tell him you need some time to get your head around what that means for you going forward…. Maybe tell him that since he gives no shots about your enjoying Christmas … next year you’re taking the kids to butlins for a Christmas break and need to know if he’s coming or whether he’ll be hosting his parents at home! That will make him think!! Tell him if you can’t have every other year without his family then you’ll be going away every other year instead!

I don’t blame you. I hosted my parents in law every single year for 30 plus years. First my parents in law as a couple and then my mil on her own after my Fil passed away.
I longed for Christmas when it was just my husband and our kids, but my husband was an only child and they didn’t have any other relatives. I don’t know how I could have told my MIl not to come as they just assumed they were coming and once she was alone, I wouldn’t have had the heart to do it and would have only spent all day feeling awful and guilty. It’s so hard once the president has been set. I should have put my foot down when my parents in law still had each other at least.

Do your in laws both have someone else to spend Christmas Day with ? If so I’d try and do alternate Christmasses. Could you go away for a short break or something ?

I had this with my exh, but he wouldn’t cook - he said he’d do it all but had no concept of when to prep the veg, etc so guess who ended up doing it. Including when I was heavily pregnant. He was always insistent that his parents must see him and their only grandkids because he was an only child, even though I am also an only child and my parents were more understanding and would have been fine about not seeing us. He wanted the big family Christmas but wasn’t prepared to put any of the effort in to make it happen.

Now we are divorced and he spends a lot of christmases with his girlfriend, suddenly he is fine about not always seeing his parents. I, however, only now get the Christmas I always wanted!

Stick to your guns or you’ll resent it.

When mine were small christmas with the in-laws became an endurance exercise like you. Arrived earlier at around 10 (12 suggested) and did not leave until 7.30. After discussion with work fruends we decided to do a late lunch the following year at 4pm. Made it clear this was so we could have a lazy present opening morning just us and the kids. MiL was not impressed, but accepted it. We still do this now and my kids are 17 and 19. It helped to make christmas day enjoyable without the rush. Good luck xxx

I could cope with the bags on the table. To me that comes under the category of small stuff - mildly annoying, but likely to be more carelesness than some kind of PA, grand gesture.

Fat-shaming impressionable kids is the one I’d take far more seriously. But above all this is a DH problem. If his wants always take priority over others’ then there’s a distinct aura of ‘head of the household’ here, which needs putting right back into its box!

Please stick to your guns and have Christmas just with your DH and DC. We host every single year to family who pretty much are as you have described in your post. We have only had 2 Christmases in 13 years just DH and DC and they were lovely. You can always host next year.

The bags on the table is just so rude! Not to mention the commenting on what the kids are eating and calling one of them fat!

I'd be swooping in and removing the bags..drop them on the floor and straighten up the table settings . Saying " it took me ages to do that"
I wouldn't be waiting on them either.. it would be " dh..your mother wants a drink "

It’s October not Dec 14th . Plenty of time for the OH family to make alternative arrangements. I’d tell them you aren’t hosting . For me it’s not just that their there but so disrespectful aswell dumping carrier bags all over the Christmas table , I mean who does that .

I know . So disrespectful .

Quoting this as it’s exactly what you need to be asking OP.

These ungrateful people are going to rob you of precious time and memories with your DC at a really special time of year and time flies by so quickly.

Your DC won’t be young forever and the magic of Christmas and the wonderful memories you should be making is being utterly sabotaged by your DH and his horrible family.

My DC are older now and we have lovely Christmas’s, but I would give anything to turn the clock back 10 years to re-capture that sense of wonder and joy.

Take a stand now before these people and time itself ruin these opportunities for you.

Yeap… invading another family’s space is defo a mil issue.

Let him do all the work… and make sure to say that when his family is around « I am so proud of DH! He has prepped everything this year! »
Next year, they won’t come.

They are taking the mick out of you and your DH lets them.

I think he is being really selfish. Why are you not allowed the Christmas you want but he can get his every year?

Why do his mums feelings matter more than yours?

I don’t understand the big deal about every other year. At the moment we do every other year with mine and my husband’s parents. We have a daughter now, just gone 3. And I actually think very soon it will be a 3 year rotation with spending time at home just us.

OP, I'm normally team 'suck it up, it's one day' but they sound bloody annoying!!

Absolutely this!! 100 percent. You are his wife and mother of his kids he should care what U want too. You are supposed to be an equal partnership. Your reasons are valid he needs to listen. It's not cool that his needs trump yours every year and you just have to suck it up. Would never happen if the roles were reversed. I feel pissed off on your behalf OP so I can only imagine how you must feel. :(

I'd suggest not pussyfooting around and directly telling your DH you do not want to host them this year- say you have had enough of it for now and you want Christmas together as a family.
Should he object tell him they are always critical and you find it wearing, if he says "you just don't like my Mum" point out that the feeling is obviously mutual.
Tell him that it is fine he isn't bothered about Christmas, but point out that you are, so why is he determined to make yours miserable by landing his parents on you every year?
Your DH is probably like most men- he would rather not have to tell them they are not invited, as it is a slightly uncomfortable conversation.
To be fair they really should not assume you will host them every year, but really you should have put your foot down earlier-it would have been far easier.

If they turn up at Christmas I would have my phone on me and message dh
11:50am your sister is rude to me

12:10 your mum shits on my decorations

12:30 your sister thinks I do x badly and my husband never ever defends me with his family, good in law relationships are created when your husband has your back but mine never fucking ever stands up for me

2:20 your mum doesn’t like the food

2:30 oh look they tried to have the kids open their presents without me again and you didn’t do anything AGAIN

2:50 your sister dad and mum are all being an arse to me ans they have criticised our dc about 50 million times, good parents try ane give their kids a fun Christmas, not much fun about being told your lazy and have bad manners

then he and you will have a very clear record for next year of why they aren’t coming in the house.

YANBU and it is disrespectful for your husband to not take your views into account. I would make no effort at all and let your DH do it all if he won’t listen and make Christmas Eve or Boxing Day your Christmas where you dress the table, set up family traditions etc. Take the DC down the park Xmas morning and let your DH entertain his family. Just focus on your children.

Your updates are poignant OP
I think the more you can leave DH and in-laws alone together the better, as if you're not there to buffer their relationship he may be more likely to experience and therefore admit the issues.
When you and DC are there you are taking the brunt of it, and he can keep at a safe distance and pretend it's not that bad.
Does he want them close by without actually being close? I'm just picturing him hiding away cooking in the kitchen.
.

Yes. If they can’t be banned, I would sabotage.

get up extra early, have Santa with kids, a fun breakfast, then head out on a Christmas Day adventure. Take snacks. If PILs rock up at noon they can sit and talk with your husband.

Roll in well after the usual mealtime. Take kids upstairs for baths and pjs.

I’d dig my heels in too OP.

Completely understand how you feel. We had my mother every year for years. Just her. But I too found she would push her boundaries, make the day entirely about her, and our kids tended to ascend to their rooms a lot earlier than we hoped for. Then we would have her at ours till really late.

The final straw - thankfully for DP too - was when we kindly requested for her to come mid afternoon, when food would be almost ready and we had both spent time with our own sets of children who we were staggering in separately from 12-2pm (blended family)

She arrived literally moments after DPs children had arrived. In and out to her car bringing various bits of shit in, dogs going bananas as a result and DP almost spiralled through the ceiling. Her claim was she wanted to be there before my kids - who weren’t coming for another 2 hours - and I’d reserved an hour for me to spend with just them, which again she ruined.

She didn’t appear to have any awareness of how she had obliterated DPs or my time with our own kids separately on our own. In fact she didn’t stop talking or crashing about with various bags whilst DPs kids were opening their presents

I hadn’t even started cooking either so also had her shuffling round the kitchen behind me the entire time - I like my space in the kitchen - and I was already fuming anyway.

So yes - we now have told the entire family that we prioritise our time with our kids. So the second year running, that is exactly what we are doing - and I can’t wait!

You’ve had them EVERY year. And they’ve actually been really rude and disrespectful to you. Your husband is being selfish and unfair. I’d dig my heels in.