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Original poster

Is the consensus that we don't tell the girlfriend?

59 replies

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 27/10/2025 22:11

I was with my ex for over two years, I decided that I should end our relationship because I wasn't always able to give him the time he wanted due to work and family. There was no indifference, I still loved him, but it became untenable watching him suffer, or give me silent treatment. We remained very close, still slept together at times, and spoke to each other most days. I was not interested in anyone else and made no attempt to move on or date. He was a safe space for me and I didn't want anyone else, although of course I was stupid to break up with him.

10 months on, we met up, had a lovely time, felt like a real reconciliation, he told me he is still very much in love with, and we slept together. He told me he'd been on a couple of dates with a woman, but this wasnt the first time he'd dated, of course he's entitled to do so. I said how sorry I was, and how I'd made a mistake and should never have broken up with him. After we slept together he told me he was seeing the woman he'd been out witb twice the next day. I was very upset but again, my fault for letting him go.

Over the period of the next week he repeatedly told me how much he loves me, he wants to marry me, I'm everything to him etc. Nearly a week later he told he he lay naked with this woman the night after we slept together, then told me he was meant to be meeting her brother at the weekend. He says he didn't realise he was in a relationship but that he would break it off.

Anyway , this has gone on for over a fortnight. Push and pull, telling me he loves me, he's leaving her, he doesn't want to be with her, whilst simultaneously arranging to meet with her, he took her out for birthday. He is all over me one moment reassuring me about how he feels, but the next told me he couldn't promise he wouldn't sleep with her. He is nearly 51.

There is nothing good for me here now. I could never have imagined this behaviour from this man. I can't belive I allowed myself to get drawn in, I'm working with my therapist to explore why I belived and accepted lies and breadcrumbs and have lived on adrenaline and anxiety during this.

I feel guilty about it. Their relationship is very new, maybe two months, is the consensus always not to say anything, even if its gently with some proof?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 09:07

Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate the nuance and I think I can see things from different perspectives, so agree with a lot of what has been said.

I am reluctant to tell her, and I have noticed that when I'm more angry, thats when I want to do it. I have a family and a professional job I worked hard for, she also has a professional job, and I don't want trouble that may jeopardise that.

I was single for years before I met him, I took it very very slowly (which inevitably he used against me, he has previously moved in with women within the first couple of months). Yes, I did end the relationship, but I felt it would make things lighter. We remained extremely close, like best friends and we would cuddle and sleep together sometimes. There was no one else I wanted, and I didn think we would eventually be able to build something on a more solid ground. He went on some dates during that time which I found upsetting, but I didnt say anything as I felt I had no right to.

When we slept together a few weeks ago, he wasnt honest with me about his circumstances. He was piling on his love for me, crying, I was crying, it felt like reconciliation. After we slept together he told me he was seeing her the next night. It wasnt until a week later he told me they'd agreed to delete apps (so exclusive) and he was meeting her family. He ended up meeting me instead for coffee, and he was all over me, telling me these huge statements of commitments. We kissed. I told him to make a decision, and this wasnt fair on anyone.

He told me he's breaking up with her today. I'm not sure. He told me last night that she's had a terrible year, and that tracks, it clicked. He holds onto vulnerable people. I realised during the night, his history is with single mothers, or people going through a bad time. When we first met I was okay, but 6 months later I went through the worst few years of my life. Me and this woman have professional roles that need qualifications, she's also attractive. He isn't like that.

I'm angry at myself, I thought I'd come further than this, I can't believe I've drawn in by this and hooked onto the spiral of his love then silence.

OP posts:
landlordhell · 28/10/2025 08:42

Get well away as quickly as you can. No good will come of it. He gave you silent treatment? Why did you keep going back????

HoppingPavlova · 28/10/2025 08:40

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

That’s not what this is though. It’s just revenge. Neither party is in a serious relationship from the timeframe you give, so not relevant to tell her. Don’t make yourself look like ‘the crazy ex’, as that’s all that will happen with this.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 28/10/2025 08:39

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

Yes, I would absolutely want to know, and I wouldn’t care if you told me out of care or out of revenge. The end result would be the same - I’d avoid getting into a relationship with a cheating scumbag. I don’t understand anyone saying they wouldn’t want to know! Tell her.

Neemie · 28/10/2025 08:22

You ended the relationship which means you can’t really have liked him that much. That will have hurt him and his ego. He also won’t trust you not to be flakey again. Neither of you are each other’s ’safe space’ anymore. You are both playing games. Wanting to tell the girlfriend is just part of your big messy game.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 28/10/2025 08:18

Say nothing and just walk away. Sounds like very immature behaviour from a 51year old man to be honest.

notthisagain2025 · 28/10/2025 08:16

How on earth do you come to the conclusion that people normally agree to let men fuck around on women without telling them?

The consensus is almost always TELL HER because this is rape by deception - by which I mean of course she is only fucking him because he's lying through his teeth. Additionally, he will be sticking his penis in other women too and you need to have yourself checked for diseases - as does she.

It's up to you entirely if you want to warn her she may have diseases and is being played by a piece of shit - your choice.

But don't use the excuse that most people would agree with keeping quiet. That's just not true.

GooseyGandalf · 28/10/2025 08:14

What does safe mean op?

You’ve used the word more than once. Was he your fallback guy, not the love of your life,but he was there and he would do?

Or do you mean safe, as in you felt he couldn’t hurt you? Objectively he isn’t safe (emotional abuse, silent treatment, dishonourable, cheating) but maybe you felt he was unlikely to find someone? Or you didn’t have strong enough feelings for him, so he wasn’t a risk for you?

Why is safe so important? I’m guessing you’ve been hurt, or saw someone you loved being hurt?

Move away from this one.

Normally I’m in favour of letting women know who they’re dealing with. But I think you’d end up entangled either way him again so my advise is prioritise yourself, block him, and move on. Make your therapy about you, not about him.

Cosyblankets · 28/10/2025 08:12

He didn't realise he was in a relationship?
Er..... OK.
just move on

GreyCarpet · 28/10/2025 08:11

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

I would too.

But you are too vulnerable in this situation. You really.dont need this man or any part of his life entwined with yours.

You've seen now who he is and what he's capable of.

If he really believed all those things he said about you, he'd have had too much respect for you to sleep with you when he was seeing someone else.

He'd have avoided sex with you or broken things off with her immediately when he realised he still had those feelings for you. So he doesn't respect her either.

She thinks he is the man you believed you were with too. Would you really have believed it if someone had contacted you? Really? Think about the man/relationship you thought you had then and not the man you know he is now.

Twinkylightsg · 28/10/2025 08:08

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

Not really as it is a new relationship. You don't know what they have agreed or not agreed.

Some people do date for a couple of months before making it exclusive.

Wildgoat · 28/10/2025 08:08

Yeah, I’m not sure you can dump someone and then expect them to just drop everything when you decide to take them back and he should be honest with you he is hesitant to make that decision.

personally no I’d not tell his girlfriend, but I would say to him, look make your decision, let me know, but I won’t be with you again until you do. As continuing to shag him when you know he’s with someone else is on you as well as him.

Liissey0710 · 28/10/2025 08:07

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

If they were exclusive maybe. I was talking to maybe 3 guys and meet on before i starting dating my husband. I didnt feel the need to tell them as i wasnt in a relationship with them. They have had maybe 5 dates and starting sleeping together, you have no idea if she has other dates too. Unless they were monogamous which doesnt sound like they were as he said he didnt think they were

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2025 08:06

I wasn't always able to give him the time he wanted due to work and family. (..) but it became untenable watching him suffer, or give me silent treatment.

He was a safe space for me.

Both sentences cannot be true, and you need to work with a therapist to find out why you consider an abusive relationship to be safe. What does "watching him suffer" mean btw, most people have work and family commitments and don't watch their partner suffer. I suspect this involves coercive behaviour tbh and my advice is run. He's not safe. He's not supportive. He's not loving. He's not a good man. And do The Freedom Programme before dating again.

DiscoBob · 28/10/2025 08:03

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

But you're not his girlfriend, she is. It could backfire. You need to take responsibility for the fact you allowed him to string you along. Not seek bitter revenge.

Just forget about him and move on with your life.

PollyBell · 28/10/2025 08:02

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

You can dress it up the way you want you are trying to stop feeling guilty by putting it onto her you made your choice no one forced you

You do both have terrible choice in men though so you have that in common

winnieranran · 28/10/2025 08:02

The only reason you want to tell him to fuck up his life...

cloudtreecarpet · 28/10/2025 08:00

I would explore your motivation for telling her with your therapist.

Is it about protecting her from hurt or to punish him because of his behaviour?

chunkyBoo · 28/10/2025 07:57

You let him down when you dumped him, he’s not committing to you, perhaps because you left him once already. I’d walk away personally and leave them to it

EmpressaurusKitty · 28/10/2025 07:57

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

He’s a prick & both of you would be better off without him. I’d block him & warn her.

Even if he does paint you as the crazy ex, at least then she has the information.

ButtonMushrooms · 28/10/2025 07:56

I think you're minimising the reasons you broke up in the first place OP. It is not your fault that he gave you the silent treatment, that's abusive behaviour, but you seem to be blaming yourself for it.

Anyway, in this situation, I wouldn't mention anything to his girlfriend. Just exit with dignity.

Original poster
BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

OP posts:
growinguptobreakingdown · 28/10/2025 07:47

No, don't tell her. He will just frame you as the crazy ex. He would be better off pursuing this new relationship, and you would be better off moving on. It sounds like you both had unfinished business with each other and can't accept it is over when it is.

Endofyear · 28/10/2025 07:46

You obviously want to tell her - don't kid yourself you're doing it out of concern for her. This is revenge, and it's vindictive. If I were you, I'd walk away and realise that you've dodged a bullet - he isn't the person you thought he was.

HelloCharming · 28/10/2025 07:20

Pick me dance…don’t do it. Honestly he’s not worth your time or your headspace. He has, to use a phrase on here, told you who he is. He is getting his ego (and dick) stoked by two women. An honourable bloke wouldn’t be doing this to you.

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