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Original poster

Is the consensus that we don't tell the girlfriend?

59 replies

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 27/10/2025 22:11

I was with my ex for over two years, I decided that I should end our relationship because I wasn't always able to give him the time he wanted due to work and family. There was no indifference, I still loved him, but it became untenable watching him suffer, or give me silent treatment. We remained very close, still slept together at times, and spoke to each other most days. I was not interested in anyone else and made no attempt to move on or date. He was a safe space for me and I didn't want anyone else, although of course I was stupid to break up with him.

10 months on, we met up, had a lovely time, felt like a real reconciliation, he told me he is still very much in love with, and we slept together. He told me he'd been on a couple of dates with a woman, but this wasnt the first time he'd dated, of course he's entitled to do so. I said how sorry I was, and how I'd made a mistake and should never have broken up with him. After we slept together he told me he was seeing the woman he'd been out witb twice the next day. I was very upset but again, my fault for letting him go.

Over the period of the next week he repeatedly told me how much he loves me, he wants to marry me, I'm everything to him etc. Nearly a week later he told he he lay naked with this woman the night after we slept together, then told me he was meant to be meeting her brother at the weekend. He says he didn't realise he was in a relationship but that he would break it off.

Anyway , this has gone on for over a fortnight. Push and pull, telling me he loves me, he's leaving her, he doesn't want to be with her, whilst simultaneously arranging to meet with her, he took her out for birthday. He is all over me one moment reassuring me about how he feels, but the next told me he couldn't promise he wouldn't sleep with her. He is nearly 51.

There is nothing good for me here now. I could never have imagined this behaviour from this man. I can't belive I allowed myself to get drawn in, I'm working with my therapist to explore why I belived and accepted lies and breadcrumbs and have lived on adrenaline and anxiety during this.

I feel guilty about it. Their relationship is very new, maybe two months, is the consensus always not to say anything, even if its gently with some proof?

OP posts:
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Laura95167 · 29/10/2025 11:31

Just walk away and dont look back

Has it occured to you leaving him hurt and he may get off on having sex with you and telling you about the couply stuff hes doing with her because he wants to be able to hurt you too

TheLivelyRose · 29/10/2025 11:15

You're his ex as you ended it?

The behaviour has not been great on both sides. You didn't want him, but now don't want anyone else to have him. You want to have your cake and eat it too?

It sounds as if you strung him along too after you ended it.

I think you want to tell her to blow it up and get him back. It probably won't work.

It hurts to realise you weren't as important to someone as you thought. But once someone is an ex we have no right interfering in their lives.

There is a dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey. Stop contacting him, cut him off and never contact her.

notthisagain2025 · 28/10/2025 21:39

Hiver · 28/10/2025 14:55

he has fallen for someone else

and you don’t like it. Not one little bit.

Well, yes, but he's still fucking around on the woman he has been seeing too.

LoveItaly · 28/10/2025 19:41

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

I think that you only want to tell her to hurt both him and her, as he hasn’t come rushing back to you. Say nothing and walk away with whatever dignity you have left.

Diarygirlqueen · 28/10/2025 19:39

You're not the innocent party OP, not sure why you're acting like it?
Move on, you both are acting like children.

Poppybob · 28/10/2025 15:29

NarnianQueen · 27/10/2025 22:27

What do you think will happen? He’ll choose you because she will dump him?

He’s not leaving her because he doesn’t want to. And it’s not as if she’s his wife of 10 years! He’s leading you on. Get out of it now with your dignity intact and let go

Agree with this.

fansbackintheloft · 28/10/2025 15:23

You and him are both as bad as each other. He is playing games like you did and the only person I can really feel sorry for is the girlfriend who thinks she’s met a man and started a relationship when he’s still shagging his ex behind her back. She is the only one unaware this is all a mess. He was probably shagging around when he was with you if he is like that.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 28/10/2025 15:19

“I don’t think I’ll tell her, at least not this week…”

And with that one phrase you’ve shown yourself to be as self serving as he is; storing dirty secrets in case you feel like throwing a spanner into the works further down the line. Delightful.

fansbackintheloft · 28/10/2025 15:18

Was it the fact there was another woman on the scene that made you suddenly want him back? Do you actually believe that there is another woman or is he making it up to make you feel jealous and want him?

HenDoNot · 28/10/2025 15:07

You dumped him, then made sure you were always there in the background, still sleeping with him, ensuring he couldn’t really move on.

I think you’ve got an absolute nerve to imagine you’ve got any kind of moral high ground in this scenario.

Zodiacrobat · 28/10/2025 15:04

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2025 08:06

I wasn't always able to give him the time he wanted due to work and family. (..) but it became untenable watching him suffer, or give me silent treatment.

He was a safe space for me.

Both sentences cannot be true, and you need to work with a therapist to find out why you consider an abusive relationship to be safe. What does "watching him suffer" mean btw, most people have work and family commitments and don't watch their partner suffer. I suspect this involves coercive behaviour tbh and my advice is run. He's not safe. He's not supportive. He's not loving. He's not a good man. And do The Freedom Programme before dating again.

Absolutely this. These 2 sentences stood out to me as well. If the man was portraying himself as “suffering” because OP wanted/needed to spring time on work and family, it just screams selfish knob who needs to be the centre of her attention doesn’t it?

OP re his current jumping between 2 beds, I feel like you need to do some work on yourself and your boundaries to learn to not put up with this shitty behaviour.

Bluejaysforthewin · 28/10/2025 15:04

You have no claim to him and no place to tell anyone anything. You dumped him, he's moved on and exploring other options. You hooked up (which is perfectly ok) and you're sore he isn't begging you to come back. How do you even know who she is and how to contact her?

OldLondonDad · 28/10/2025 15:03

Are we reading the same OP?

Who is trying to have their cake and eat it exactly? Because it reads to me like it's you...

He wanted to be with you, you ended things but kept going back to your "safe space" for 10 months, and now you're surprised that he's a) confused as fuck and b) doing the same to you... over an entire 2 week period vs. 10 months?

Ummm yeah, right ok. But men are scum right?

Hiver · 28/10/2025 14:59

we don’t tell.

don’t drag us in to this silliness between adults that should know and behave better

Hiver · 28/10/2025 14:55

he has fallen for someone else

and you don’t like it. Not one little bit.

Hiver · 28/10/2025 14:55

All what a silly mess

FuzzyWolf · 28/10/2025 14:53

You want to tell her out of spite because he is choosing her as his priority over you and that’s what you can’t handle, because you felt that you dumped him and he should be grateful for have you back. At least own your actions.

DaisyChain505 · 28/10/2025 14:47

You’re the one who broke his heart and then continued to see and sleep with him for your own comfort after telling him you didn’t want to be in a relationship with him when he clearly still loved and wanted you.

He then tried to move on with someone else and you’ve inserted yourself back into his life and messed with his head.

I don’t think he’s the bad guy here. You’ve wanted to have your cake and eat it and he’s the one who’s been messed around.

Original poster
BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 14:32

I don't think I'll tell her, at least not this week, I'm too vulnerable to face any potential fall out. I also need time to move on first. I'm so upset and disturbed by all this, I would never ever have thought he was capable of this behaviour, I hate that I've witnessed this side of him.

OP posts:
5128gap · 28/10/2025 14:03

I think you need to eject this man from your life completely. This includes resisting the urge to involve yourself in his relationship. You knew you were facilitating his betrayal of his GF as recently as a fortnight ago, and if you'd genuinely had her interests at heart you wouldn't have done so. Interfering in and trying to influence his future delays the process of getting over him, so isn't a good thing for you.

Wordsmithery · 28/10/2025 13:57

If you tell her, I've a feeling you'll regret it. These things have a habit of rebounding. Draw a line under the whole sorry business, cut all ties and look forward not back.

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2025 13:41

Oh OP please please end this ASAP and do not go back. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to stay away from him. He lovebombs you and pulls you in, then abuses you until you back away, then he pulls you back in a never ending head-messing cycle. You might have ended the relationship on an official level but you haven't ended the abuse.

took it very very slowly (which inevitably he used against me, he has previously moved in with women within the first couple of months).
That was probably your first major red flag. The silent treatment is another. Telling you about another woman whilst with you is a third. Fucking around with your head and emotions is a fourth. And finally, manipulating you into believing it's all your fault for telling him it's over instead of his behaviour killing the relationship.

He is punishing you OP, and it's time to say No, I am worth more than this.

Ohnobackagain · 28/10/2025 09:15

So you’re together and then he tells you he is seeing her again? And instead of telling him to get lost you’re letting him do it again? You are not showing enough self-respect here @BlueLeavesGreenSea never mind the wrongs of him being with someone else. Hold your head up and walk away. Do not tell the GF; not your place because it’s driven by your anger. She’ll work him out, or not, but it is not your problem to solve.

fansbackintheloft · 28/10/2025 09:11

You dumped him and walked away and that hurt his ego, now he gets to rewrite the past by leaving you hurt and upset while he walks away, now you want revenge on him because of his revenge.
Walk away and find someone who wants you, if he loves you and couldn’t be without you then he would be with you not torn between you and a random girl he had two dates with.
He’s playing games with you to show you you’re not that important anymore and he has other choices.

Mischance · 28/10/2025 09:10

You chose to jettison him. He has moved on. You are now complicating that situation by dancing around the edges of his new relationship and making everyone's life difficult. I am sure you knoew what you should be doing.