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Original poster

My husband - The Grief Thief

140 replies

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:11

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

OP posts:
Cinnamon77 · 27/10/2025 17:53

Maybe he's in constant minor pain and only notices it in selective areas when you put the idea in his head?

If you go to the doctor with him though you'll just be told that one or both of you have autism or ADHD

outerspacepotato · 27/10/2025 17:49

Omg, mittelschmerz, make it stop.

See what he says to that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2025 17:40

Weirdly mirroring and copying is an ADHD trait to signal empathy.

However my DH doesn’t have ADHD and does this. My psychoanalysis is that his dad is narcissistic and judgemental and being ill or in pain is really the only ‘excuse’ DH had growing up for anything. His dad does it too. So if he wants love and care, he has to have the thing you have.

I’ve mentioned it and now all I have to say is, “of course you do” and he knows. But you have to have the conversation, and then mention it every time until they make the connection.

DeirdreDragon · 27/10/2025 17:40

I had an upset stomach once while on chemo for breast cancer. My husband said ‘I think I’ve caught what you’ve got’. I said, oh, cancer? Righto.

bloody men!!

LemonLeaves · 27/10/2025 17:38

What would he do if you made it very specific in a way he couldn't copy? If you were to say that you had really bad period pain? Or sore breasts? I'd be tempted to try this and see what the response is.

pimplebum · 27/10/2025 17:38

No tools needed just plain old frank conversation
start with “how was your day “ “did you sleep well” or some such

then your issue ( don’t be a health bore)

then if he copies you just say please don’t do that , I’d prefer you just responded regarding my issue

it may be a cack handed way of relating and being sympathetic but you want him to stop him so stop him .

Naws · 27/10/2025 17:36

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:34

Why do they do it?

Probably just making conversation back and trying to clumsily empathise/identify 🤷‍♂️

It's not like he can do anything to cure your aching feet anyway.

BlueJuniper94 · 27/10/2025 17:35

It might just be his way of saying he relates and empathises

Original poster
JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:34

Why do they do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:34

FallowF · 27/10/2025 17:31

Say 'how are you? Had a good day?'

When he says 'yes good.' swoop in with your comment about not feeling well.

Then when he adjusts his answer, use that to start a conversation about this really irritating behaviour.

He will still mirror me! Its so annoying. I feel like clamming up and just being dumb. I actually don't think he would accept it if I told him he was irritating, and just deny it.

OP posts:
saqiatf · 27/10/2025 17:33

I would just ask him exactly that and tell him how it makes you feel, he probably doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. It does sound very tedious, but I would confront it directly, not dance around it with wit, sarcasm or anything like that.

FallowF · 27/10/2025 17:31

Say 'how are you? Had a good day?'

When he says 'yes good.' swoop in with your comment about not feeling well.

Then when he adjusts his answer, use that to start a conversation about this really irritating behaviour.

Soukmyfalafel · 27/10/2025 17:30

I think some people do this to try and relate with you when they don't have a creative response. It is their own way of validating your feelings. It is a thing, but I can't remember what it's called.

If you want a hug or for him to give you support, you can just ask for it. He might not realise that is what you're really asking for.

MissyB1 · 27/10/2025 17:28

Just answer “Really? That’s odd because you didn’t mention it until I did!” And give him the side eye whilst you say it.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 27/10/2025 17:26

That sounds tedious, is that a new behaviour?

If it's new, I wonder if a fairly frank "when you respond like X it makes me feel like Y" conversation would help?

If not, maybe change how you bring things up? "Hey, do you mind if I just vent to you please?", "I could do with a hug as my feet are killing me!" Etc. As in, sort of tell him the response you're after in the statement itself?

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