My husband - The Grief Thief

He's trying to empathize but is failing to anticipate what you're actually needing and wanting from him.

We all want our partners to just know what we're looking for from them without us spelling it out, but the reality is that few do. The strongest relationships I know are the ones where both partners focused on communicating what they need/want directly.

There are two parts to this: 1) explaining to your partner what sorts of things help you feel comforted, validated/encouraged, or like you have help and what don't 2) identifying what you're looking for (problem solving help, comfort, encouragement/validation, quiet listening) before you start talking so they can set themselves to the correct mode. It tends to feel awkward at first but if you do it for a bit you'll find that the two of you develop far more concise ways to signal what you're needing and get a lot better at anticipating what the desired response is.

My DP does this too. I've just started calling him on it every time I think he's parroting. If he genuinely might be feeling the same, I'll go with it and sympathise etc. but if I think he's just being an attention grabber, I'll shoot him down straight away.

E.g. everyone in the house is currently recovering from a chest infection. I had a horrible coughing fit earlier and said: "OMG! This cough is driving me mad!" and straight away DP said: "Yeah, mine too!" and I sympathised because even though in the moment it really wasn't a comment about him, I know he has been feeling rundown.

Last month I had an early miscarriage, and it was very upsetting but the pregnancy was unplanned and I hadn't even had time to get used to the idea before it all went wrong, so we were upset but you know, with a toddler to care for there wasn't time to dwell. Still, physically it took it out of me and I made a comment to DP about feeling really wiped out with cramps etc. and he straight away said: "God me too! Everything aches!" and I know we both suffered a loss, and maybe he was just trying to sympathise in his own way, but I did give him a look and say "Can this please just be about my pain for a minute?" because I feel he should learn that sometimes one person's complaints or concerns need to be met and heard out before moving on to his own.

I once complained about my menopausal hot flushes....and my male partner said he had them too.

I swear to God...I went fucking ballistic. @JoemarIerseyes ...I feel your pain. My partner could be the president of the 'grief thieves' (great descriptor, btw).

@idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams It's unbelievably fucking irritating and deeply unattractive. It's like I am not allowed any issues (whether physical or emotional) and am not worthy of warmth or comfort. It's very upsetting tbh.

I feel the same way! Difference is my partner never fucking shuts up about how he feels - he's always got something wrong with him (and always very minor). We don't have children, don't live together and won't be, mainly because of this.

I wish I knew what the answer was, to stop it. I've tried fucking everything.

I have one like this, it drives me bloody mad.

He's doing it right now!!!! I want to kill him......slowly......painfully.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Nice one!

There’s a name for it, it’s being a “Topper” basically topping whatever you say. Not my DH but my brother does it all the time, I let him finish and I say “back to what I was saying”. Sorry but after 60 odd years he’s never changed.

How long together? Any children?

Not sure of this is the reason he does it, but I used to do it to an ex because he was always moaning about something and I lost all sympathy with him. So I would reply that I had the same, to shut him up, because I knew he wouldn't want to show me any care.

Obviously the relationship was on its last legs by that point.

Do you? Doesn’t seem like it

I dont buy the "it is his way of showing sympahty" thing one bit.

A lot of people just aren't happy if it's not about them. And if there is any sympathy to be had, it had BETTER be directed at them.

This
Or how about saying “ my period is really heavy this month and the stomach cramps are horrendous “ ……..can’t really top that one can he?

This is what I was wondering too.

Putting this issue aside, what’s he like and the marriage generally?

I can empathise with you OP.
My husband actually DID have morning sickness when I was pregnant....pathetic.

My DH does this. I wonder what his response will be when menopause hits me.

It's unbelievably fucking irritating and deeply unattractive. It's like I am not allowed any issues (whether physical or emotional) and am not worthy of warmth or comfort. It's very upsetting tbh.

My mother does this. It's ridiculous and so irritating.

E.g.
Mum: how are you?
Me: not great, I'm really tired and have been in so much pain with menstrual cramps today
Mum: me too
Me: really?? Period pain?!
Mum: oh, eh, I just meant cramps in my stomach generally. And I'm exhausted.

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and she actually said, yes me to, I think I have some form of stress disorder from that time at the dentist... 😒

It's become a bit of a joke with my Dad, he jokingly said he had sore testicles just so she couldn't say me too! 🤣🤣

I think she's trying to empathise, but it just comes across very tone deaf and as if she's trying to make everything all about her.

I feel ya.

My husband seems to have menopause by proxy according to the symptoms he says he shares with me.

I literally warn him not to parrot it and to say something sympathetic or helpful.

He’s got much better. I think he needed coaching. His instinct is to check his own body part just in case! It’s like, misplaced empathy.

If he does fall back into it I point out that he’s fine, it’s his imagination playing tricks on him. I’m not nasty about it, just pragmatic.

I went to university with a girl like this. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that we used to take the piss and would make shit up to see how she could top it. But we also excluded her frmo things and never made friends so, imagine my surprise when, 20 years later, she happens to be dating my brother's friend and he comes home and tells me that he was hearing all about how Mary and I were such good friends at university!

If this is not something you can address with him then you actually have a bigger problem. The first part is tha the's behaving in this childish way that also ensures you never get support, empathy or love. The second part is that he has no interest in addressing this or considering his behaviour which means not only that nothing will ever change, but that you are with someone who is intrinisically selfish and lacking the ability to take accountability or responsibility.

I suspect this means there are significant other issues in the relationship that you are either unaware of or tha tyou have convinced yourself are "not that bad".

If you are still menstruating mention that you feel crap and when he says "Yes so do I" say "Oh, are you having a bad period too?" Or if post meno say "Oh are you struggling with your menopause too?"

Make sure that whatever your issue is, he cannot possibly have it (breast pain for example).

Although when my ex did this I found it easier to simply lose my rag. "Oh what a fucking surprise, you are feeling ill too.....God forbid anyone else should want any sympathy" or "Wow my body must really incubate bugs well because whatever I have got you manage to get it too at exactly the same time.....how weird" with an obviously annoyed face/voice. But I didnt like him at all.