My husband - The Grief Thief

Some ND people (men more?) have a poor or weak sense of themselves / their physical and emotional status and seem to base how they’re feeling by osmosis on what their partners are feeling. In a way they do feel what you feel or at least they think they do. But it’s not what you need. There’s been some good suggestions about being direct if you want a hug and/or telling him you need him to be positive when you’re feeling down or if he has a sense of humour, you can reply ‘this is about me, not about you’.

I have a family member who has done this their whole life and ironically complains about another relative who does it!
I don’t bother telling them anything anymore.

So in a nutshell, not a particularly happy marriage generally

People do it because:

They are self centred and self absorbed and aren't interested in you and your issues at all

They think its a way of empathising (it absolutely isnt)

A combination of the above

It's a neurodiverse thing.We do it to empathize not hog the attention.
In our brains we are sharing a similar story or situation.
I only learned this at 58.😂

... and yet on MN people can diagnose instantly just by reading a short comment!

This is my Mum too. Drives me potty. The result is that I share very little with her these days and we have a predominantly surface level relationship.

Very frustrating for you. In my experience, people tend to do this when they’re not really listening or interested in sympathising with what you’re saying or going through. When you say it, it reminds him of his own issues, which he can then tell you for sympathy. It’s not necessarily mean spirited, just a symptom of not being switched on/connected.

I think the best way of dealing with it would just be to point it out and say what you’d like to happen instead. You should be able to receive sympathy when you are struggling with something, as should he. There’s nothing wrong with stating outright that you’d like that, so long as you can do it in a plain, calm way which isn’t accusatory.

I just say “and back to the subject of meeeeeeeee” until he looks embarrassed

One of my relatives does this, but it's part of the bigger picture that I can't feel anything as they have it worse. I have resorted to asking if they need any support when my dog died. That went straight over their head! I'm not sure it's always coming from a good place

That sounds incredibly painful Grief is already hard enough without feeling like the person who’s supposed to support you is minimizing or taking ownership of it You have every right to feel whatever you’re feeling sadness, anger, confusion all of it Grief doesn’t need to be fixed it needs to be witnessed, and it sounds like you’re not getting that from him You’re not wrong for needing space or understanding

This would annoy me.

What's he bringing to the relationship OP? Is there good stuff as well as this crap?

DH and I fell into the "competitive tiredness" trap when DC were little.

Luckily we were able to see it and now use it as a jokey way to call out that sort of thing...

What happens if you call it out?

"we're not talking about you, we're talking about me" rinse and repeat

I really don't think it is just an autistic/ADHD thing mirroring thing. I have family who are on the spectrum and go ohhh poor you.
It is well possible that it is both - selfish people taking the conversation back to themselves as well as someone mirroring as empathy.

OP will need to figure out which it is.

My dad and DP both do this. Both are autistic. Not sure if that makes any difference. I find they both strongly desire human connection but are not natural empaths. They struggle to view the world outside of their own experience. So when I say I’m feeling exhausted (or other symptom), I know perfectly well that whichever one I’m saying this to respond with “oh right, yeah I’m absolutely exhausted….” And then proceed with anecdote about how exhausted they were today. I know it’s their way of reaching for that human connection but from their egocentric perspective because they’ve nothing else to offer. Which is perfectly demonstrated when I complain to my dad that I’ve terrible period cramps as he just looks blankly and says “well there you go then!” He can’t mirror/match it, he has no experience of this condition and he doesn’t possess the empathy skills to say “oh no, how rubbish!” So he draws a complete blank.

It’s their way of showing empathy I guess but fucking hell it is annoying!!!

Blame every symptom you have as pre period /period /post period related.

Every time.

Well, I didn't say anything about ASD or ADHD frankly. And as I live with two people with ADHD, clearly I can confidentaly say that no, I don't think anything of the sort.

What I do think, and made clear in my post, is that if this man is doing this and is unwilling to even consider that he is doing it, and simultaneously, the result is htat his wife is feeling unloved and unsupported, then the chances are that this is not a good sign for their relationship. I'm not sure where the ND factor came into this - it certainly wasn't part of my post - but even if he IS ND, that doesn't mean that he gets to simply opt out of giving his wife what she needs to feel loved and safe in a relationship.

Tell him you have thrush too after he parrots you next time "yep I have a real irritating c**t" see if he gets the message 😁

I seem to remember that Bart Simpson tried that once!

He's an elevenerifer. If you've been to Tenerife...

I don't have any helpful suggestions but just wanted you to know you're not alone. My ex used to do this. Any ache or pain I had, he had too. It got to the stage where I wouldn't bother telling him.

Exactly the same with my DH - the kids and I have turned into a family joke...! Here we go..... Dad's got it worse....again....Even he laughs now!

Right. So people with ASD or ADHD, who ‘mirror’ as a way of showing sympathy and empathy, are in fact “intrinsically selfish and lacking the ability to take accountability or responsibility”. Good to know that normies are such paragons of virtue, and not at all blind and insensitive to the ways in which other people’s brains are wired.