My husband - The Grief Thief

No actually, if you both go to the GP with the same symptoms, he will be sent for a barrage of tests and no stone will be left unturned in their quest to find and treat his ailment while you will be told it's hormonal and given anti depressants.

2021x I'm going to try.
The trouble is we don't see it in the same way as neurotypical people.
So in our mind it's not rude more an empathetic thing.

A long time ago my father was dying of leukaemia and was in and out of hospital - mostly in. The hospital was a hour's drive from my parents home, but my mother didn't have enough confidence to drive in the city so she was getting the bus to the hospital every day, 2 hours there and back, except the weekend when I went down to support her and to take her to the hospital. It was both physically and emotionally exhausting and I was extremely upset one evening in front of my then husband. His father had died about 5 years earlier but without a long illness and without my then husband being involved in supporting his mother either before or afterwards. His response was to say... 'well at least your father is still alive'.

He also had a migraine any time I had a headache, a broken toe any time I stubbed my toes, an ulcer if I had a blister... you get the picture. But the worst, for me, was the total lack of empathy and support when my father was dying.

Why do people do this? OP asked a question on an annoying habit, not dissection of her marriage.

People can be annoying in some ways but totally lovable and great in others.
No one is perfect.

I used to do this OP, as a way of empathising, kind of in a way a friend would say they're fat, and I'd say oh no you're not, I'M fat.

Had a light bulb moment that it wasn't particularly helpful and now try to not turn it on myself.

Not really with feelings, but yes with any sort of illness. When I had cancer (very aggressive cancer requiring 3 years of chemo!) my husband was somehow iller than me a lot of the time! I’m still in treatment and some of my medication causes painful side effects but the instant I say anything about being tired or having sore joints, my husband will magic up a bad back or a stiff neck that is somehow far worse….i don’t bother mentioning anything anymore. I don’t want my children growing up around competitive illness moaning. Before anyone tells me to LTB, this trait (and his occasional grumpiness) is his only fault really, and he did look after me very well (mostly) when I was very very poorly. He is mostly lovely, but a flawed human like all of us.

I’ve always thought partner did this so he didn’t get asked to do anything with the kids (to support me being in pain or Ill) and make out he’s equally in pain so I couldn’t go to bed.
If I was tired when kids were tiny (breastfed and never woke him at night) he was exhausted from work. So I would be unreasonable to go to bed for a nap leaving him alone with the kids I had them 24/7 still do if I’m Ill he’s still got something wrong with him.

Have you called this out to him explicitly. As in I’ve noticed when I say x you say you also have x. Why is that?

If you’re ND you might need to have the explicit call.

Is he aware that he’s sabotaged his friendship and how? Does he do the same to you?

This is a fascinating thread. I’m recognising myself and my DH a bit here! Next time he complains about something, I’m going to be very sympathetic not whinge about any symptoms I might have.

Now that you know that it causes the other person harm/discomfort/resentment, do you stop doing it?

No real answer op - let me know if you find a solution! My H has been pretty much dumped by his long term best mate because of this and other negative behaviours.

My H does this (or he did - I don’t really speak to him much any more). For him it was as a pp said, trying to make sure he didn’t have to do any extra chores or childcare. If I was ill, he was dying, if I was busy, he was completely overwhelmed.

I wonder if people who do this are trying to empathise?

My husband always does this, it's so annoying, but I think he has narcissistic tendencies. He always has to bring any conversation back to him...

In my experience it’s virtually impossible to stop someone doing this. My mom used to do it. If I tried to get her to check herself I got nowhere.

I never say I don’t feel well, because DH will always immediately say he has been feelimg unwell too. I’ll be coughing, eyes streaming and body aching. Still doing all the jobs that need doing and walking the dog, while he stays in bed with his phantom ailment!
Also daren’t get emotional with grief, cos his is bigger.
I feel your pain. I have no solution 😕

JoemarIerseyes, next time you have pain that you want to share with DH, before you tell him how your knees are try asking how his are?
Only complain about your discomfort once you are sure he has said his is fine, that way he’ll never be able to steal your thunder, or pretend he’s always had the similar condition.

I've been married for 40 years and yes he always has something that requires more attention!

I do this as does my husband, it’s not malicious (in our case) it’s an empathy thing. I do it without thinking but when I’m aware of it I will stop myself. Luckily we’re quite honest in our household so we can do it and receive it without feeling competitive.

I was just complaining about this the other day. At new year I said to DH that the year had been a horrendous year for me and I hoped the next one was better.

Work was so stressful that the GP thought I was having a stroke, I was then made redundant in the most stressful way they could have done it, I had an ongoing injury that prevented me doing the hobby I loved which ended up requiring surgery that I was desperate to avoid. I then started a new job which is always stressful.

He said his year had been far far worse as he had plantar fasciitis (news to me) and work stress too (I work in the same room as him, it wasn’t making him ill) . 🙄

would it have killed him to just haven been sympathetic rather than one upping?

Thh hi is is apparently an ADHD thing.

Dh does it. Now l just say I’m talking about me not you. We can talk about you in a bit.

He thinks he’s being sympathetic. He’s also adhd

Fully agree with this!

I'm autistic and use my own experiences to relate to people and sympathise, but I know I do it and am trying to stop. I don't say my feet hurt too if they don't.

Yes, my DH does have worse health than me, but still infuriating, I say my back's bad today he replies mine's been bad all week, bad health one upmanship! I do get a bad neck that gets sore and stiff sometimes (which he doesn't) so if I complain about that he says you'll just have to get that fixed, it doesn't fix, it's wear and tear (plus a bad car accident years ago) plus probably arthritis now. Not that I'm looking for a lot of sympathy, but I do sympathise with his problems.

Years ago when I used to get really bad PMT he’d compete with me. That’s the only way I can explain it