I know I’m being an idiot but feel so upset

I do this: "I'm sorry I got got cross, but this was what upset me about x."

What I find adorable is now when my dc get cross, they later come and say "Well Mummy, I'm sorry I got cross, but here's why it upset me..."

So somewhere along the line it registered and they appreciate it, as now they do the same.

I think @nutbrownhare15 's suggestion of saying you were upset because you hate the thought of not living with him, but in any case you are all together anyway is a perfect way to address it.

Is your husband the good cop?

nah you'Re being human. At 6 maybe he would understand your response rather than a lot of words?

But. Does your DH do more with your DS than you do? try to find something for the both of you in that case.

If he just admires DH from afar and you do all the grunt work, change that dynamic.

He was probably saying what he knew would get a reaction out of you - quite common. But you really need to work on your self esteem, insecurity and emotional regulation OP...

Have you tried therapy? If you're not sure where to start a 5 minute yoga with adriene at the start of each day started to shift my mindset

I have three boys - all of them were "mummy's boys" when they were younger. If me and dh split up, they were going to stay with dh because (I shit you not) "dad makes hot dogs!"

It really is that simple in the eyes of kids, they say they want to live with the parent that lets them have biscuits in bed.

My six year old has told me she hates me several times. I don't take it personally because she's six. If I do get cross with her I make sure I apologise and say mummy shouldn't have shouted and I love you very much and I'm sorry. You can explain that the thought of not being able to live with him hurt you but that you are going to live together so don't need to worry about it any more. Then outside of your chat with your son it would be worth reflecting in your childhood dynamics and why his comment hurt you so much.

We all over react and behave like idiots around our children occassionally. The trick is to ensure you see it, accepte it, and fix it for the future. So 1. Obviously, tell him you were being super silly. 2. Think about why this was a particular trigger for you and what you can do about it in the future.

I couldn't agree more with this.

It's really common for children to take their "rocks" for granted and to have rose-tinted glasses for those they feel are more elusive.

My mum used to get (light-heartedly!) irritated by a glamorous friend who was forever travelling and pursuing dalliances and generally quite a shit mum because her (semi-abandoned) children put her on such a gilded pedestal.

The truth was they were desperate for her attentions and so were very focused on her - where the other mums were calling bedtime and grumbling about mud on the carpet. But we all knew they were there for us in a way these other children simply didn't know with their mum. The idolisation was almost an attempt to convince themselves she was great because it hurt too much to accept she wasn't.

Not saying the situation is that extreme in op's household, (and I'm sure he's a great Dad) but just saying that children are rather impressed by the less completely "conquered" people in their lives. .

Have you apologised to your son, given him a hug, and reassure you’re not splitting up but if you ever did he’d be free to chose and you’d support him as both his parents love him, and of course you’d want him to live with you as you love him so much, but so would his dad, but it’s irrelevant as it’s not happening, and say how sorry you are for behaving in such a way, he didn’t say anything wrong.

hopefully you have and you’re not sat there on mumsnet, having not done so and making it worse.

Next time try 'that's nice dear'.

And stop letting him call you names, and practically begging him for love. And teach him to sleep in his own bed. You are his parent, not his friend.

It’s natural for something like that to sting especially when you probably feel you give so much to help him with his adhd. You didn’t handle it well but I can understand why it hurt the way it did. Kids can be brutal but I imagine in the mind of a 6 year old there is some very superficial reason why he would say he would live with dad over you.

apologise for your reaction and it’s ok to say it hurt your feelings.

buckle up though cause teenagers really know how to twist the knife so expect to feel unappreciated for a while yet!

Having adhd is no excuse to call you names! Stop that right now! You are the parent not him!!

You shouldn't be allowing a six year old to call you names.

You need to be prepared for worse as he gets older. remember he is a child, testing boundaries and will not understand the impact of what he says. It’s your job to help him learn without reacting. Sometimes just ignore and move on, other times explain how his words make you feel and reiterate that you love him unconditionally. Stay calm!

OP, it may not seem it right now, but you are the favourite parent. You're the safe parent. The trusted parent. Your son would feel your absence a lot more than he would feel his father's, even if he won't realise it until it happens.

You're the one he has outbursts around. You're the one he needs to sleep at night. You are safety.

Safety and security are everything to a kid, and when you do a good job at it they don't know it, and you've done such a good job he takes it for granted. But if he lost that? Then he'd know.

No, name calling and outbursts are not okay. This is not nice for you. But, if we're talking about who the most important parent is to this kid, in his own mind, it's you. You are safety. He feels safe letting go like that around you. I imagine he's not an aggressive or violent kid, and his outbursts are related to his ND? Yeah, you're safety.

If you ever did split with your DH, let your son go with his dad. If it ever happened, I would place bets that he'd be coming back once he realises himself (unless I found out you were actually really horrible to him or something lol)

Give him a cuddle and just tell him you love him no matter what, and that's why it hurt when he said he'd want to live with dad. Doesnt have to go any further.

Ahh give yourself some slack here.. you are dealing with a lot.
You’ve said you feel crap , make sure he knows you are sorry and that it wasn’t the way to act.
For what it’s worth my eldest , many years ago, told me he rather live with our neighbours than me !
I was so unbelievably hurt as they were the talk of the street for being messy loud and rude . But it appeared that they also let their children watch cartoons in the morning before school and that was his ideal day!

Agree! My teen makes me want to scream 'I hate you' and slam my bedroom door on a weekly basis!

He's 6, honestly hes not going to remember any of this tomorrow, just move on.

OP just sit with your child when there is a quieter time and apologise for shouting at him and say that you love him. No need to explain why you did he won't understand hormonal reasons etc. Don't beat yourself up over it ... us Mums would be superhuman if we got it right all the time. Take care of yourself

Nail on head.

It was a hurtful comment and tbh that's not a bad thing for him to learn: hurtful comments get hurt responses.

It wasn't the ideal way of fielding your feelings but just apologise for that bit - not for feeling hurt.

Some of these responses are a bit harsh.

OP, you aren't the first person to momentarily forget they're supposed to be the adult in the room when their DC says something that touches a nerve, and you won't be the last.

It's not unusual at all for children to go through phases of showing a strong preference for one parent over another. But it can still feel like a rejection for the non-favoured parent.
Being the parent of a child with SEN is not easy, and I can see why your DS's comments really stung if you're the one taking the brunt of the most challenging aspects of his behaviour.
Your DS should not be calling you names, ADHD or not that is unacceptable and you and your DH need to be a united front on that issue.

You had a bad moment, OP. That doesn't make you a bad Mum.

‘he calls me names most days and is very explosive and I can deal with that I just ignore it and explain how we don’t say this’

Whether he’s got ADHD or not that’s not an excuse for poor behaviour. You need to not ignore it, that’s not you dealing with it at all. You need to actually deal with it!!

Anyway back to original point…. Yes you handled that very badly. Someone’s got to be the favourite so why can’t it be dad? I totally understand it must be hurtful to hear though

I wouldn’t read in to it too much Op honestly! People will try and make out on here that there is a deep and hidden meaning to it, but at that age, it could just be the fact that his dad lets him stay up later or doesn’t make him wash his face before bed or something banal like that!

Or he may sense your anxiety in trying to get everything right! So chill! 😁

I know it’s a hypothetical situation but many older children opt to live with dad when their parents split and the novelty soon wears off; they get fed up of junk food and having to sort out their own PE kit and come home to mum after a month or so!

It’s who they want when they are ill or distressed that counts 💐

Obviously apologise to your ds for exploding like that and try and count to 10 slowly when responding to him in future! Apart from anything else, it’s not good that he thinks he has that amount of power over you or your emotions. That will be a bit scary for him at that age? But other than that, give him a big hug and forget about it!

By the way op when your son calls you names, does his dad step in and defend you or is he one of these “fun” dads who sits on the fence and acts as referee? Important to nip that disrespectful behaviour in the bud I think before adolescence strikes?

And I sincerely hope there isn’t a daddy’s boy dynamic in the house at your expense! Best to nip that in the bud too if so!

Speaking as the parent of a dd with ASD, it’s really important that his dad has equal share of dealing with explosions and the not so fun bits of parenting and disciplining an nd child. Otherwise, it’s you who take all of the hits and your marital relationship suffers while dad gets to play Mr Popular!

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