Resentment over not having a 3rd dc

I was kind of in this situation but the other way around. When I met my DH I always said I wanted a big family and so did he. We then had 2 DC close together and I actually felt I was done. DH wanted another (he’s great round the house/with the kids/I work more than him etc).
Took me a good 6 months or so to really think it through and yes I had a right to say no more, but I also felt hideous for having potentially mislead DH.
We talked a lot about it, and with some careful planning I’m about to have DC3. We have come up with a plan so that my apprehensions are thought of and supported/solved by DH and it’s a joint commitment.
Ultimately, I guess if you knew your DHs reasoning in more depth other than ‘I’ve always said X’ it would all be easier to deal with?

Obviously none of us can know for sure but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like he was lying, just that he always wanted two children but was open to having more in theory. He's then found that in practice, he is content with two.

It sounds to me like you are looking for somewhere to place blame because it hurts to think you won't have more children. Making your husband into the "bad guy who lied" gives you an outlet for your feelings, but it doesn't mean that's the reality of your situation. Someone upthread suggested couples counselling - that and/or therapy just for you could be really helpful.

The OP is all about you and your feelings- not what might be best for your existing DC / your family dynamics or reasons why it might be a good idea. He hasn’t lied to you - there was no binding contract , just discussions and you are building up resentment based on as you say yourself lighthearted / joke conversations which is unfair. People are entitled to change their mind based on experience and life.

Reframe your thinking - ask yourself how a 3rd DC would change your family dynamics , how would you cope if there were health issues ( you and / or DC) , what would the impact be on family finances : bigger home , bigger car , childcare costs, holidays etc. How would you cope if the siblings didn’t get on - there is no guarantee. Why do you want a 3rd DC - because while your feelings shouldn’t be dismissed they need to be based in fact and a full understanding of/ consideration of the real impacts on your and your family’s life, just as your DH feelings shouldn’t be overridden by your feelings.

He has always said 2 always you brought up the compromise, you always said 3 he never did

why do you want 3 - 3 is hard, harder in some ways than 4 as always one left out?

do you miss the baby days? Because any lingering notion of wanting more went once mine got older and now they are both teenagers so glad didn’t as (a) they are hard work and (b) it would change their dynamic

None of that is relevant to what the OP asked.

I don’t think him “laughing along” is at all the same as him explicitly saying yes I am happy to have 3 kids. So I don’t agree that he has really misled you or lied to you, so much as laughed along to avoid an argument. He could just as well say that he has always been clear he wanted 2 - after all, that’s exactly what he always said.

In your shoes I would feel a bit silly for having relied on the “laughing along” and not pressed harder for a solid answer about whether he was willing to compromise on three. And then I would remind myself that 3 kids is well above the norm these days and I might well not have found many potential partners who were willing to sign up for 3-4 kids even if I’d split up with this man.

In summary: I don’t think he lied. I think you heard what you wanted to hear.

I wanted 3, had 2 and couldn’t have a third and very grateful now. I changed my mind about really trying extra hard for a third, two is enough and I’m very fortunate. DH would have had 6 - but he hasn’t left me because we didn’t have more babies, just accepts it wasn’t meant to be.

As Pp said people have the right to change their minds. I’m not sure if he has lied as he has in the past said 3.

We always wanted her 2 but due to infertility it took us a long time to conceive our daughter and at 6 it doesn’t look as though we will be able to have another child.
So in that instance we probably are feeling similar feelings as we’ve had that decision taken out of our hands.
For me I am reminded of the positives mostly and not the negatives….there was a time when I thought I would never be a mam. Now I have a daughter that amazes me every day…..yes I would have loved to have 2 children….and I’m not sure if it’s the nature of my job (I’m a nurse) I do see a lot of the bad side of things but I know that s**t happens and I have to take a step back and think of what I do have!

So he pretty much always said he only wanted 2? Sounds like he was honest that he only ever wanted 2 but wanted to keep things light hearted with the "compromise" joke, but his underlying stance was he was done with 2

Yes he should have been more explicit but I don't think he lied

When has he booked his vasectomy for OP, if he is so certain he.is done?

"He then said he’s always said he wanted 2"

It sounds to me like you heard what you wanted to hear and actually your DH was honest with you he only wanted two and you kept overriding him saying “that means 3” as if it was agreed just because he didn’t say “no, I really did mean 2 when I said 2” every time.

But either way, you could have gotten married both wanting four and one of you could have found that the reality of having children meant you changed your mind, as PP said.

I think some couples counselling might be in order here. You can’t spend 15+ years resenting him and already planning to leave him when your youngest goes to uni and expect that this won’t taint the atmosphere at home for your children.

Surely, most.of this depends on your lifestyle, what you want going forward, , and most importantly, what you can afford.🤷‍♀️

People are allowed to change their minds. I wanted two but I’m pretty sure I’ll stick with one now as I like having one child. Three children is more expensive and less practical than having one or two. I would be disgusted if my DP left me or resented me for changing my mind.