Resentment over not having a 3rd dc

I think he always told you that he wanted two and despite you trying to jokingly force the topic, he just didn’t want an argument but always knew he only wanted two.

I don’t think you can feel he led you on, as it sounds like he has always been clear, but I can see why you will now think differently of him.

I nagged and nagged my partner for a 3rd. You could try this approach too, but I’m now 8 months pregnant and partner has been v distant and not fussed about the baby as much as he was with the others. He says that I will have to do the lion’s share of the work as it’s something I wanted rather than him.

Sadly, I know a few women who "persuaded" their husbands to have a/another child and this happened to them as well.

It really, really is not a good idea to have a child that your partner doesn't want.

I often read on MN that the person who vetoes a child trumps the one who wants one, and sorry @KittyPup but I agree with this.

Do you work?
What does a third child bring that the two you already have don't?

I think you need to have a clear discussion with him, mentioning what you have said here about what you said you wanted, that the compromise was 3, the conversation about the church sessions etc, and be honest that you beliege he lied from the beginning, and that had he been honest it would have been a deal breaker

tell him you feel resentful, ok he may resent you for wanting more and he doesn’t, but if he is adament then he gets the snip to take that responsibility away from you

And @MaurineWayBackyou’re wrong. I wanted none, DH convinced me to have one. Then I wanted 2 and he was adamant he wanted to stick at one. So I know better than you! DH got his way twice. But I made my peace with it and don’t plan to leave him!

it sounds like he didn’t intentionally mislead you. He probably had every intention of going along with what you wanted until he realised how hard it was to look after 2, let alone 3.

I totally get how much it would hurt though. I nagged and nagged my partner for a 3rd. You could try this approach too, but I’m now 8 months pregnant and partner has been v distant and not fussed about the baby as much as he was with the others. He says that I will have to do the lion’s share of the work as it’s something I wanted rather than him. He’s also a fab father to the girls we already have, but I can feel the resentment already and maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do.

You are rewriting history. You’ve said he repeatedly said he wanted 2. Now he didn’t?

And if you are keen on both your Catholic marriage and telling the truth, are you planning to tell him your plan to leave him when the children go to university? Because that genuinely is dreadful.

@KittyPup perhaps unlike most of the previous posyers who feel it’s ok to berate you/blame you, I’ve been in that position. I wanted 3 dcs but dh was adamant 2 was enough.

I think in your case, you need to start grieving the family you thought you’d have. You need to grieve the fact your last pregnancy was your last even though you thought it wouldn’t be.
Unfortunately your ur dh won’t help there. He doesn’t seem to do emotions well (he clearly avoided situations where you’d get upset at the idea of only having 2). It will take time to get your head around it. And it’s ok for you to feel sad, gutted, angry etc… that’s all part of the grieving process.

I think the issue is if you start falling into blame - it’s your dh fault if you don’t have the big family your u we’re dreaming about, it’s his fault because he lied, it’s his fault for changing his mind etc….
Blame destroys. And it will destroy your marriage if you let it happen.

It’s not your fault. Youre not selfish. Or self centered etc…
And actually saying you’d ‘destroy’ your family to have one more child is wrong. It is a choice many women have done before. (It just feels wrong to some people because yu already have two and in our society 2 dcs is seen as the ‘right’ number of children. Youre not supposed to want more of them 🙄🙄)
But you need to decide what you want.
And if you want to keep your marriage, you need to be careful with your own self talk. And the difference between ‘he never said anything when we joked around. He lied’ and ‘he changed his mind. As he is entitied to. Even if t hurts like hell’. Concentrate on the second. Avoid blame like the plague.

And yes, if it doesn’t work, counselling is a good bet. And I’d say in your own first before any couple counselling.

I would be 100% with the DH if he, even just once, said "no, seriously, I really only want 2 children". From what OP is saying (and the fact that this is a frequent story on MN) it was very clear she genuinely wanted AT LEAST 3 children (and she told him as much in a non joking way). A loving partner wouldn't have let her believe for many years there was a compromise on the horizon when that was never the case. It's lying by omission.

No, not at all. Many animals have obvious ovulation, where there are physical signs. Humans don’t, we have concealed ovulation. From an evolutionary point of view, that is because with most animals, they can’t connect ovulation/sexual attraction and having a baby. Concealed ovulation is because when you ARE intelligent enough to connect the two, you don’t have sex during fertile periods. Childbirth is painful and dangerous and we would avoid it if we could. Concealed ovulation is nature’s way of getting around our big brains.

Yes, women in particular can feel a deep need to nurture and care for babies. But evolution specifically does NOT work on a desire to have babies, it works on us wanting to have sex. When babies are HERE our instinct is to care for them.

We were the same. I very bravely suggested he not get a vasectomy because I would stay on hormonal birth control for the mood benefits.

He wavered for a couple weeks when DS2 was 10 and we had a third on my 42 birthday. The desperate need for a third baby only faded when she was born.

It’s been amazing. I love the gap. The big ones are off at uni and I have the best relationship with the 3rd.

It might work out, OP. But also, I did make peace in my marriage.

Surely if the number of children you have was so crucially important to you OP you would have had a very serious conversation about that, rather than just this joke that you believe had an undertone? It doesn’t sound as though he has actually ever said he wanted 3, agreed he wanted 3, in fact he has explicitly said for the entirety of the relationship that he only wanted 2.

You wanted four and went down to three as a “compromise” because he only wanted two. He never said he wanted more from what you have said. And even if he did he’s allowed to change his mind.

So humans have survived and evolved over tens of thousands of years because the desire to reproduce, in multiples, is very strong.

The reason you are finding these feelings so powerful is that you are hardwired to feel this way. If some people didn’t feel this way we wouldn’t be here. We would have been eaten by predators or wiped out by a virus etc.

Maybe that will help to rationalise it. Obviously I don’t know what happened in the past but it doesn’t sound like your dp was dishonest with you. It sounds like you are clutching at what you can because your desire to reproduce again is so strong. But it’s just your body trying to get you to reproduce again by way of an animal urge. We’re just animals at the end of the day.

Well having teenagers was much easier for me than having babies/toddlers. Even on a financial pov (nursery costs followed by after school clubs!!).

as if it was agreed just because he didn’t say “no, I really did mean 2 when I said 2” every time.

Well tbh, clarifying his view would have been helpful.
Of course, not saying anything at the time was easier. No disagreement etc… But letting the OP believing he was happy with 3 by joking along and not correcting was lying by omission.
He wanted to avoid a confrontation because he knew ho important it is for the OP. And now expects her to just get over it because he always said two. That’s crap imo. At the very least very bad communication on his side. Avoidant behaviour maybe too.

I really don’t think it’s only the OP’s ‘fault’ for hearing what she wanted to hear.

I’m not sure it sounds like he has EVER actually lied to you OP, you just chose not to listen. Has he ever, even once, verbally explicitly said that he would want to have 3?

Can I suggest that you take a look at the secondary education, further education and higher education topics, and the teenager topic and then you can see what parenting older children could be like and how expensive and emotionally draining it can be.

Also, you don't know whether no 3 might have extra needs, so quit while you are ahead.

How do I live a happy and fulfilled life with someone who I feel lied to me about something so important? Or do I just wait until the dc leave to go to uni and then leave myself?

You live a happy and fulfilled life because you have two great healthy children and a man who you say is a good husband and a good father.

Resenting him for not wanting a 3rd child is selfish. What about what HE wants? IMO he has never lied to you, he has always said that he only wanted 2. You were just hoping that when the time came you could twist his arm into having a 3rd. This is your issue, not his. I suggest you get some counselling to deal with the disappointment of not getting your own way and move on and be grateful for what you DO have instead of focusing on what you don't.

He said two. For YEARS. You just didn’t hear him. And laughing about compromising about three? There is no compromise with children and the person who doesn’t want more ‘wins’ because you can’t plan an unwanted child.

I get it OP. I know what you mean when you say laughing along but with an understanding. I tease I want 7, he says he wants 1 is the joke we pull out but underneath it all there is an understanding we will go for 3 and that has been seriously discussed with the joke laid on top so I totally get what youre saying.

When my husband and I got together, also very young, we discussed timelines as I wanted a family younger (late 20s) and we agreed on this. However, as it got closer he had some milestones he wanted to reach and wanted to push back the timeline. As hard as it is, where kids are involved the no trumps the yes. I really appreciated the way he approached it. He brought it up proactively, empathised with how he understood this wasn't what we had planned and it would be hard for me, laid out his reasons and did present it as a discussion not a 'I'm not doing that anymore.' I'll be honest it was a difficult conversation because we had laid out terms which he backtracked on. It is absolutely his right but still difficult. Because of how he approached it though, we were able to be very frank and honest and continue.

Does your husband seem to understand that while it's his right to change his mind there was an understanding between you and this is hard for you? I agree couples councilling. I can absolutely be with someone and respect them if situations change and we work through it as a team, I would find it really hard to have my life changed and dictated to and be given a like it or lump it dismissal.