Resentment over not having a 3rd dc

Even if he had agreed to have more than 2 initially, he's well within his rights (and behaving perfectly reasonably) to change his mind once you start having children and real life kicks in. You're holding that against him which i think isnt fair.

You really need to communicate with him - if he's as decent as you say this needs to be something you discuss together so he can explain his thoughts and feelings rather than you making assumptions.

@KittyPup Not sure how old you will be if you wait until your children are grown up and then you leave him, but would you be ruling out the possibility of ever having a third child if he says no and you wait?

Have you explored why you want a third baby so much?

I tried so hard to have a third and couldn’t in the end as I had multiple miscarriages and then age prevented it. I can genuinely say now that I am very grateful I only have two children. I have zero pangs and look at people who have more than two kids and feel sympathy.

i think you are still in the young-child mindset where a baby would slot in but I believe if you wait those feelings will wane and you’ll get to a point where you will refind your freedom and your current mindset will seem like a bad dream.

I think people rarely acknowledge the sadness of having fewer children than hoped for, whatever the cause. We stopped at 2 for various reasons, but one of the main reasons was my DH didn't want another. I thought a lot about what made me so focussed on a 3rd (I obsessed for over 2 years) and thought about what sorts of things would make me feel fulfilled in other ways. It's taken several years, but I'm hopefully about to embark on a major career change (with DH's full support) that would have been very difficult with a third child, and I feel really excited about it. Could you try to identify if there are other things that would spark your feelings of fulfilment? If your DH can be on board to acknowledge your loss and support you to expand your life in other ways it might help with resentment.

I wouldn't recommend this.

I'm desperate for a third, and got a kitten thinking not only would the DC love it (which they do) but it would serve as a welcome distraction.

I'm now hugely resentful of both DH AND the cat. I wanted another child, not a cat, and now I'm stuck with it for twenty years, feeling bitter about how it should have been a child instead. Especially hard when everybody around me seems to be onto their third or fourth children now.

I had counselling on my own but through Relate for something I got stuck on, it was amazing, I was able to move on with my life.

Have you seriously thought what your life would be like if you split up? I’m a single mum and it’s hard for many reasons. I chose to end my marriage because the alternative was to stay with a man who wasn’t a good father or husband. It doesn’t seem like that’s the case for you. Do you have in mind what your life would look like? Would you intend on finding someone else and having another baby with them? Because whilst a lot of people manage this plenty don’t - I have been single for 5 years now.

I think you are stuck in a process a bit like grief - you need to accept the current situation so you can move on to the next stage of your life. I’d really recommend couples counselling, or even counselling on your own.

💯 this

Because you are not being honest with him.

You are angry that you perceive him to have been dishonest and misleading about the number of children he wanted, but you are not being honest that currently, you are staying with him whilst the kids are small and atm plan to leave him once they leave home.

I think you need to be honest and tell him exactly how you feel and that whilst you want to try and work things out, this is your current way of thinking and you both need to take steps to solve that, whether that be counselling individually or couples. Don't let him think everything is ok and you want to be with him forever whilst letting him live a lie for however many years until the kids leave. That is cruel

Maybe two more kittens then!!

People do change their minds once reality sets in. I do have a 3rd Dc but it is a lot harder than 2 (not that I’d change it but I’m just saying, that jump has been the hardest).

I feel like this constantly about my 3rd child. My husband never bonded with him as a baby. Funnily enough he absolutely adores our unplanned 4th child

I had this situation. My husband initially agreed to try for a baby when our daughter was about 3 and my son was 10.but I woke up one day to find my husband literally having a panic attack and almost in tears because he had realised he didn't want another baby. I reluctantly agreed but felt sad. I ignored my feelings for just over a year then on a rare night out together I told my husband I'd thought I was pregnant the month before and he suddenly decided having another baby wasn't such a bad idea after all. I got pregnant about 3 months later. His first instincts had been right though as he never bonded with our son (due to his dad announcing he had stage 4 cancer a few months before our son was born). Our son is also very autistic (I say it like that because my older son is autistic but my younger son is about 10 times harder work). I love him to peices but I feel my selfish wants caused a lot of stress in the family. Now I've got a 4th child and my younger son doesn't like him so more problems.

That’s the whole point.

I’m not convinced by this. Humans have understood ovulation and how to avoid sex in fertile periods for how long? Maybe about 200 years. No time at all.

Thats a point...it would be cruel to allow him to think everything is fine when you are possibly only staying with him cos of the kids.

It would be best if you could put your energy into enjoying what you have and realising how lucky you are.

It sounds barmy but would a puppy or kitten help?

The thing is, you can start out with an idea oof how many you want, but you don't really know till you get there. Maybe he was not entirely closing down the possibility of three, but realised once he had two that that was indeed enough for him. It could equally have happened that you had one and decided to stop there. Or found out that even five wasnt enough.

So I don't think its helpful to think of dh as lying or stringing you along. I do understand your bitter disappointment though. Some counselling, for one or both of you, could help?

I hope you're honest with him about your plan to leave him once the children are grown

Sounds like you should really be counting your blessings. You say he is an amazing father and great husband. Also, the irony is that you are suggesting that you are likely going to stay with him until your DCs start Uni, and then leave. So isn’t that also deceiving him, as if this is what you intend to do, shouldn’t you tell him now so he can decide whether you split now when he has more chance of meeting someone new, rather than wasting the next few years in a relationship that you’ve decided is going to end?

Honestly it sounds like the compromise of 3 was never actually agreed on. You say yourself that he always said he wanted 2. Was he ever the one who said we will compromise on 3, even once. It doesn't sound like it from what you've posted.