Cold heartless daughter

What happens if she falls over or something bad happens to her? If she is very stiff upper lip / doesn't get emotional easily, I can see that she might genuinely struggle to see why other people might see things differently. However her reaction is still rude, and in the category of 'if you can't say something nice then say nothing'

Something could have happened to her when she was younger (that you may not be aware of) that in her mind now showing emotion = something unpleasant which was scary. Anger/irritability is the cover emotion for fear. So now she reacts like this because it helps protect her from feeling scared. She'll do it subconsciously. This could be another angle you might want to look at it from.

This sounds like me as a kid and it’s only as an adult I have realised it’s because my parents were incredibly unempathic and would shame me when I displayed emotion so I was just modelling their behaviour. Ironically they then shamed me for being cold.

It’s a bit ott to require 2 men to assist you home after a fall , I have an autistic 12 year old and I am 53 and 4 stone over weight and I can’t imagine needing two men to carry me home after a trip , nor would I allow them to inconvenience themselves in such a manner .
also I’d not be looking to my daughter to tend to my emotional needs either

having said all that I’d expect my tween who is entirely wrapped up in herself to show some concern …but nothing beyond “ you alright ? What’s for dinner? “

I honestly feel like I live on a different planet to MN sometimes

DD1 is a pretty normal girl who'll be 11 in a few weeks.

I can tell you right now, if I walked through the front door with an injury, she'd say "Mummy! What happened? Are you okay?"

Like a normal human.

That isn't role reversal, or making herself my carer, or a weird expectation. It's common decency.

Of course, OP may be an insane monster who expects all kinds from her daughter yadda yadda, who knows.

But the idea that in general it is normal and expected for an 11yo to roll her eyes when she sees her mum tearful and injured....bugger me. I just can't really express how dysfunctional that is.

Hmm. This reminds me of me as a child.

My mum was a very emotional, very openly tearful person when I was a child. I’ve gone into this at counselling. She always was for as long as I remember, and continues to be. We don’t have a great relationship.

My counsellor feels that I never got to be “the child” as my mum was so emotional, and it made me feel unsafe. A child doesn’t want to be “the comforter” etc.

Is there a pattern of her witnessing you in distress or needing support and comfort from her? Do you cry a lot that she sees?

When I read your first post I imagined one of those dramatic people who is clumsy and falls over all the time and embarrasses people! Does this happen often?! I don’t think my son has ever seen me cry, so the fact she says constantly cry makes me think you do it a lot and she’s bored of it!!

I’m so sorry you fell - really horrid to fall over. But she is only 11 and was probably embarrassed. My Nan (she was a young Nan) was very much a drama queen and attention seeker and I definitely would have been mortified if it was her who had fallen and been brought home supported by two men (i realise this isn't the right way to react, it’s just how I would have reacted as a pre-teen). And I’m not saying you are an attention seeker.

I remember being 15 and very cold/indifferent about things. My mum was worried that I was some sort of psychopath with zero empathy. I’m 31 now and cry at everything! I’m an over-empath, but it took until I was about 22/23 years old. Our brains are still developing in this area until we’re about 25.

I think you sound over-dramatic and she is responding in turn by not engaging with it.

The men helped you home as a nice thing on their behalf, not because it was a medical emergency. If it was a medical emergency, it would have be handled differently - you wouldn’t have been moved and an ambulance would collect you instead. In the situation you were in, you probably could have made it home unaided so she was right in that respect. I mean the average adult, can survive a fall without major injuries? Logically you can see that your fall was likely minor in grand scheme.

What were you expecting her to do? Fawn over you? It’s not natural for an 11 year old to turn into a caregiver for her parent. It’s unfair to put caring responsibilities on children. If you needed certain things, you should have just asked the men ie other adults to help. At the very most, I might expect an 11 year old to get you a glass of water or a blanket or something- but otherwise you would be expected to resume adult life.

I was raised in a home with a mother that would cry over anything.
She would make a fall over sound like she needed ICU and complain for days.
By the age of 10 i was fed up with it.
She once took the rubbish out and tripped on the path didnt fall over but the bin man had to help her back to the door with her limp and croc tears, she was walking fine as soon as the closed.
And had to ring everyone in the phone book to let them know what happened how sore she was and how uncaring her daughters are.
I moved out at 16 i was the last to go the rest had gone.
Dad left 17 months after me he said he had, had enough of the over sensitive always blubbering and making little things in to dramas.
Her second husband divorced her after 2 year same reasons.
We was not uncaring or cold hearted we just got fed up with it.

Not all behaviour of children of school age is the parents fault.She may well have learnt it from her peers at school or from social media or her father,who has not been mentioned.

OP won’t be back. Don’t blame her. No empathy or advice, just nasty judgment.

You sound rather over-dramatic OP.

I imagined an adult DD who stole your house and business out from under you and threw you out onto the streets.
Not an 11 year old rolling her eyes. It sounds like the normal adult child roles have been reversed in your house.

It sounds like she is sick of you attempting to use her as an emotional crutch.

Get a grip, you are the adult. If you were so injured you couldn't walk you should have gotten an ambulance to a&e, if you are over the age of 5 and didn't break your leg then you crying is just embarrassing.

She is 11 years old. She shouldn't have to be dealing with your needy overdramatics.

Crikey how old are you? My 75 year old mother got brought home by 2 work men after falling over but she’s 75. I’m 43 with an 11 year old and I certainly wouldn’t be carried home. Do you exercise? Why are you so incapable of getting yourself home? And crying? I think your daughter is probably sick to death of your dramatics

You make a very good point 🤔. I should have thought of that. I’ve worked with some pretty troubled kids, it generally does come from somewhere.

Don't let her talk to you like that again.Tell her ,you love her but if she has nothing nice to say to you then don't speak.Too many tweens are becoming spoilt .

Children learn sympathy and empathy from their parents, first and foremost - so if this child is "nasty and uncaring" I'd be wondering what had gone wrong with her upbringing.

If I had to be helped home after a fall my dds would be horrified, sympathetic and caring. But I am usually very stoic, work through a lot of pain and am very much a get on with it person - they would know it was bad if I hadn't just made my own hobbly way home!

Had you been drinking?

It's not normal for a teenage girl to be nasty and uncaring, no, which indicates that her mother probably has form for crying over spilt milk in front of her ("oh here we go again, let's just cry constantly" would seem to suggest that). Parents should not be routinely crying and creating drama in front of their kids, and I'm not surprised the girl is tired of it. She's probably mortified!

You’re not being unreasonable to be upset by her reaction. I think i remember it explained to me as something to do with seeing her primary care giver in a weakened state, it’s worrying and she’s minimising it. Something like that. My dad was very unwell when I was a teenager and I had episodes of similar behaviour- I’m sure this was what my therapist said. Fwiw I didn’t grow in to a heartless psychopath.

Yes - her reaction comes off as though OP is usually quite dramatic.

I have always been like your DD, as I got older I could distinguish the wailers & the fakers but I cannot tolerate drama lamas. I am really sympathetic when sympathy is due though.