Cold heartless daughter

Children need to see their parents modelling resilience, not crying about things that don't really justify it.

My DM is prone to histrionics and your daughter sounds like me at her age. There was always some drama with her. She used to call me cold hearted as well, but literally no one else provokes that “oh ffs” reaction in me. I lost my patience with her quite early in life after her life decisions started having a catastrophic effect on me and it became clear that she expected endless understanding from me but gave very little in return.

Ever heard of that thing that nurses get called compassion fatigue? Children with emotionally unstable parents also get it. Years and years (all she’s ever known) of emotional blackmail and being expected to perpetually give of yourself while not being able to ever have a feeling or get emotional support yourself from your alleged caregivers will do that to a child. It’s a well documented response to emotional abuse. You cannot judge the child on having bad manners, you have completely missed every red flag of what her life is like.

What happens when she (dd) is ill? Does she lie about needing sympathy & feeling sorry for herself or is it a stroppy push on & get on with it?

My mom would cry daily for hours when I was this age and it was really draining. She did have a valid reason but it was still tough and I would sometimes be exasperated.

I had a relative growing up who was a massive drama queen (thankfully not my mum!). If she was ill the whole world knew about it. Her kids were always mortified by how she behaved both in public and at home and would regularly roll their eyes when she would moan about her latest "ailment".

The reality - and irritating thing - was there was never anything seriously wrong with her at all. Those in our family who DID have serious illnesses (Parkinson's, stage 4 cancer...) all dealt with their illnesses with no fuss or "woe is me" behaviour.

I had a childhood friend that I would describe as dramatic. I was about 11 years old and roll eyeing would have been my way of coping and thinking here we go again! Your heading cold heartless daughter is so alarming she is only 11 years old. I opened the chat presuming your daughter was an adult. I am guessing if you were honest you may be dramatic at times and your daughter knows this. I hope you manage to have a chat with her and I am sure your daughter is not heartless just maybe fed up!

Be really honest with yourself, are you a bit dramatic?

Because I immediately thought of my mum reading this post. Don't get me wrong I love her to bits, but everything is always a fiasco with her. Especially when we were kids.

She could never just be ill, she was always on death's door. If she had a sore back she'd be walking around the house clutching her back doing breathing exercises like she was in labour. I remember my brother knocked a toy skateboard into her ankle once and you'd swear he'd deliberately smacked her in the face with it the way she screamed and then went on about it. She didn't even have a bruise. If anyone dropped a plate it was a calamity. If anything broke it was world ending. Literally everything was always blown up to catastrophic proportions. (Which I'm still recovering from, my husband was baffled the first time I broke a glass in his home and burst into tears)

(Unless it was something that has happened to us, then it was brushed off as nothing but that's a whole other story)

My point is that living with a drama queen is exhausting, so if you do maybe have a flair for the theatrics I don't think an eye roll from a tween is that big a deal. Eye rolling is practically a second language at that age anyway, and being embarrassed by one's parents a given.

And the fact you're calling your 11 year old child "cold and heartless" because she didn't leap into Mother Theresa mode when you fell over does make me think you might have that flair for theatrics.

Yes you ABU - she is an 11 year old child.

Is this something she has had to witness numerous times?

To be supported by two men to your house because you cant walk by yourself does seem a bit odd. Why didn't they call an ambulance?

What a weird update.

Most people on this thread are projecting themselves and their own parents, its not helpul. She sounds like a uncaring child and to assume its ops fault is awful. Take what shes saying. I was mortified at any age to see my mam upset, i might have been a tad awkward but would never in a million years be cheeky enough to say whay she said. And thats the issue for me. Her cheek and attitude in front of strangers or in private for that matter. Teach ber better manners and to be kinder, if youre not kind to your own mam what chance have you got with others, it starts at home, thats what ill teach my kids rather than all these people saying its fine, this is whats wrong with the current generation, letting kids get away with anything and letting them think its acceptable

Empathy has become a buzzword that black and white thinking virtual signallers seem to use determine someone's character. Empathy is such a nuanced issue, people can be perceived to show less empathy for so many reasons that could be cultural, related to past traumas/experiences, empathy fatigue, or simply being a more stoic person. Some people even naturally have less of it, it doesn't automatically make a person a psychopath/sociopath in the making.

I'd imagine that if there were any additional, relevant information, the OP would have included that. Unless, of course, her intention was just to villainise her daughter by missing it out. People can only go off what they have.

OP, both of my children are kind, compassionate people but, at 11, both would have felt a combination of embarrassment and concern. Seeing a parent sick, injured or vulnerable can rock their own sense of safety and make them feel very vulnerable and exposed. They don't really understand their emotions (a lot of adults don't either!), cant name or articulate them and so their reactions can also feel off.

There is possibly a need for some reflection here, as others have said.

What is the emotional environment like in your house generally?

Is seeing you cry a regular occurance?

I'm inclined to agree with others that a fall bad enough to require assistance home from two men would also require additional follow up.

You say that you didn't ask them and "they just did" but I would only have accepted that if I'd really needed it. Otherwise, I find that, "No thanks. Its very kind of you to offer but I'm fine," works well. I mean something must have been said. They must have communicated to each other or you in some way.

I guess when you are hurt it’s hard no to accept help. People make all kinds of assumptions based on very little information. Her daughter doesn’t sound very kind.

But unless seriously injured, most would have thanked the men who came to their aid, dusted themselves off and hobbled home on their own. So I’m presuming you were seriously injured op?

But you let them?

I like her!

She sounds spoiled and she gets her attitude from school. Look after yourself well. 💓

Is this the op that “lies down and pretends to be dead” to shock her daughter. It reads the same way

When you're upset or injured, do you expect her to feel sympathy? It sounds as if she is a bit fed up of you relying on her.

She may just be embarrassed teens or pre teens often are. Were the workmen young and good looking maybe that embarrassed her? I would put it down to her age and dismiss it.

I've read similar posts now to the point now when I read about someone complaining about lack of empathy in another it's a red flag. I think maybe half the time it's a fair comment (usually a husband) but the other half it reads as someone who is just annoyed that someone isn't doing what they want them to do.

I suspect you may well be right about that in that case! In any case, I don’t get this obsession with carrying on the pile-on when the OP is clearly not there anymore, whether genuine or not.

People begin to recognise the same posts just with various different details, so become suspicious.

There is a regular poster on here who pays about her uncaring daughter in various circumstances, isn't looking for help just wants a pile on on her daughter. If the daughter ever exists. Doesn't really comment on the many replies of people trying to be helpful just keeps drip feeding more tales.

Maybe this isn't that poster, but the lack of activity on this post suggests to me that it is and the people trying to help are just wasting their time