AIBU 16yo DSD leaving freezer open

I slam doors a lot, by accident, because I have dyspraxia.

I also have ADHD and autism, and it makes learning habits like not slamming, remembering to check things twice, and deviating from what I'm used to really difficult.

I'm the same with toilet lids. I am used to a soft close toilet lid, and I know the toilet at DP house does not have a soft close toilet lid, but because I use it less frequently than my own toilet, it doesn't cross my mind, I drop the lid, make a loud bang, and then kick myself for not remembering that it isn't a soft close lid like the umpteen other times I've done it and promised myself I'll remember for next time. You'd think I'd remember given that the banging startles me worse than anybody else and I'd do anything I could to stop it, yet like Sisyphus, I feel eternally doomed to repeat my actions despite the best intentions in the world.

None of these things were diagnosed until I was almost 30 either so I've just been clumsy, careless and accident prone all my life.

Who knows what the SD has or hasn't got, but if she's not able to form these habits then perhaps it's not simply behavioural as people seem to be suggesting. It's not normal behaviour to repeat such a huge, costly, and impacting mistake over and over, especially when it not only impacts others but impacts yourself as well.

In my experience (and I have two ND kids) this sort of thing is always done by youngsters who know that it is no big deal. If you come from a family where the food budget is incredibly tight then a freezer full of food being wasted is a big deal.

So I would deal with it by not replacing items that have had to be thrown away. Ice cream especially is not a necessity. So buy once, and if it has to be thrown, there is no more. You can also adopt the same approach with meat. If it gets wasted, then thats tough and she has to eat plain pasta and sauce or a jacket potato or whatever instead.

Don' tmake it a punishment as such, but let her know that food is expensive and these are the natural consequences of her carelessness.

I swear kids attention span these days is absolutely destroyed.

DD was (and still is to an extent) like that. It took pestering her over and over (which I also hated doing because then it just feels like I’m nagging and she’d get defensive) for her to remind herself of the most basic things, down to flushing even.

If she knows not to slam the door as it then bounces open, why does she keep doing it?

If she’s that sweet then a serious chat about what keeps happening , why this is a nuisance and does she have any ideas to solve the problem should suffice. She’ll be embarrassed and probably not go in freezer or make a note herself

If it were me I would leave the freezer completely empty next time it happened. Just cook everything up and buy nothing new at all to go in it for a while. No ice cream, no pizza, or anything else. Empty. Inconvenient for the person who prepares meals and has to shop more frequently, but it would definitely be the conversation starter. With food prices these days, ADHD or not, this is ridiculous to have to put up with.

A notice on the fridge door 'Please close the door'

If her dad won't say anything then he can check the freezer either last thing at night or every time he sees her use it.

Did she not feel any guilt at all about food being thrown away?

That alone would make me never do it again.

You have a husband issue, because he's refusing to parent his daughter. She's 16, and unless there's a backstory here, and she's SEN, there's no reason for her to 'forget' to shut a freezer door. If she's that forgetful, I'd be more concerned, she's liable to leave the front door wide open, when she goes out! So yes, your husband does need to reiterate that she needs to shut the freezer door, and if it happens again, she will need to pay for any wasted food. Mitigate by buying a door alarm or a lock for the freezer, that makes her shut the door and a bloody big notice on it saying 'Shut the door'. We all get forgetful sometimes, that's normal but I have an acquired brain injury, and still managed to remember to close our freezer door!!

@Whappy may I ask how or why you repeatedly leave car / fridge / house doors open?

I am trying to understand how you justify your behaviour (not attacking).

I am glad your DH is patient.

Of course it’s ok to tell a child off.
But if step away, let dh deal with it, he can also, have the problem of repeatedly replacing the food. If there’s no food for dinner, you get take out, they can sort themselves and the problem out. Bet he won’t be so positive then.

Presumably because OP doesn't want spoiled food again? The problem is what the problem is so yes ideally the 17 year old will remember and sort it but just sitting and 'hoping' doesn't always work - and then you will get to have all that delicious righteous anger but you'll still have defrosted food. You make your own happiness in this world.

@Shedmistress

we are talking about a 17 year old. Why should OP have extra freezer check duties for a 17 year old?

My daughter is 11 and I would say she's away with the faries since hitting early stages of puberty! Her mind is always elsewhere. When she does something like this (usually not sealing up cereal so its all soft) she is sorry, but it happens again and again. I tell her off, I bring in punishments such as getting her to walk to the shop and buy a box of cereal to replace with her own money so she realises the cost. But ultimately I don't think her head is in the right place just now to absorb. She's distracted with friends, hobbies and general dramas. She has no phone and only has 1hr a day on her tablet which is timed so its not that.
I think a fridge alarm is the best bet. With any other issues I would look for solutions. Keep reminding her. Let her dad do any telling off. Its frustrating but in reality you probably only have a year or two before she's rarely there so I would try and keep the relationship friendly and pick your battles.

Need to inconvenience the pair of them, let them sort it out next time so not cook the food off do not mop the floor and do not replace the food they have to do it or they won’t realise how frustrating it is. Then get a lock for the freezer

Of course she needs to accept consequences. What happens when she moves out? Flatmates aren’t going to just accept an apology when they have to chuck out their food. She needs to start replacing it.

She's 17 and can take responsibility for shutting the freezer. It is not an "accident" if she keeps doing it - it is sheer carelessness that would not happen if she knew there were consequences.

Funny how people are different isn't it? I'm sure there are plenty of mistakes your angel makes that other kids don't, but please don't waste too much time on wondering why it's an issue for only her. She'll get there.

Can’t you just laugh it off and just buy more food? @Reluctantstepmumof2

Add a door weight so it closes itself. You can buy or make these.

Tbh if she's forgetting over and over then it seems like she's got trouble forming new habits and no amount of shouting yelling or discipline will fix it. Sounds neurological.

She needs to pay for the wasted food. That isn't 'punishment', its just letting her live with the consequences of her actions / understand the value of money and will stand her in good stead when she's working and living independently. She's 17, so really should be capable bar serious SEN. My 13yo didn't close the freezer door properly once about a year ago and I had to throw out £70 worth of meat and fish as a result (was overnight). I did sit him down and explain that this was money we now didn't have for other more fun things (single parent so budget isn't infinite). He very much got it and hasn't done it since.

You seriously need to say “Look, every time this happens we’ve had to bin £100 worth of meat and fish. That’s wasteful and unacceptable. If it happens again, we’re going to put a lock on the freezer. You need to take your time and be more careful.”

Get a grip and tell her off - all this pussyfooting around isn’t helping anyone!!

I don't think it's so much "discipline" or punishment as a natural consequence, ultimately when we make mistakes like that, there's an outcome. At the moment you're sucking up the natural consequence of her actions. He needs to sit down with her, explain it means all the expensive food and ice cream (presumably what she's after) is getting binned, so everyone needs a solution. She can find a way to remind herself- a note, something on her phone background, a freezer alarm, a sweet jar next to rhe freezer so she can grab a positive reward everytime she shuts it - whatever she feels is helpful. He then needs to discuss the outcome, which is very clearly that either - her favourite freezer foods are not bought any more, or her allowance/pocket money pays to replace any wasted food, or she's not got permission to go in the freezer anymore. She can pick.
It's not about just doing/saying something horrid till she learns, it's about her growing up and understanding that actions have consequences and she is responsible for finding a way through this. She can't go to uni or live by herself if she can't shut a fridge or freezer door, her dad is letting her down. Even if he wants to solely pick the "reward and remind" option, he needs to do something so she learns how to use basic kitchen appliances prior to turning 18! My son is asd (I wonder if your sd has adhd or similar) and sometimes we do (what appears to be) wildly random stuff to support him, so he's worn his new pe uniform every day this holiday and eaten a lolly at the same time, it's created positive associations ready for school because he was not wearing the pe uniform properly. Does it sound mad, yes, does it work and does it only cost me 6 drumstick lollies, also yes, is he happy, yes. Sometimes you just have to work out with them what will help change behaviour to get the right outcome, it's not about being mean or forcing them, it's about them also recognising its a destructive/unhelpful habit or behaviour and all together agreeing how to change it.

Good point about a job being good thing for teens. My dc worked in McDonald’s from 16. Not many hours but dealing with colleagues, public!, app for shifts, managers was really beneficial.