Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

207 replies

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 14:35

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it.

We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year.

He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

OP posts:
Ambergold9752 · 27/10/2025 15:11

No advice but just solidarity. I could have written this post. I do feel my DH let me down in our DC’s first year (workaholic, I was EBF and had a c section and he didn’t really ‘take care of me’ as the ideal DH is supposed to) and it very much has affected my feelings towards him and my thoughts around having a second. We had a very difficult pregnancy and DC was premature, spent time in NICU etc so it was a very challenging start but aside from that, I feel DH let me down at my most vulnerable and I don’t know if I will ever get over that. I have said this to him as well during arguments but I am not sure if he realises the extent of it and I suppose the damage is done.

DH is ‘getting better’ as DC has got older - he is now nearly 2 and I think now they can do more things together he gets it a bit more and I have been able to have more free time. However, I don’t feel that I could cope with having a second child, knowing that I’d be doing it all on my own again pretty much but this time with two. I feel that the family life I had envisaged has been somewhat taken from me and it is partly because of his behaviour/attitude during the first year.

Thundertoast · 27/10/2025 15:06

I'd be questioning if he even loved me at all to be honest. How can anyone's response to someone they love being overwhelmed, even if they are overwhelmed themselves, be 'i do more than other dads so go away'.
Have you talked about how him saying 'other dads do more' is exist because its not that he's great, the bar is just in hell? Or does he never let it get that far. if he was so in the right, how come he's now trying harder...
Im so sorry this happened to you. This is NOT okay. Just because other men are shit too doesn't mean you need to be grateful for crumbs. He's treated you like an appliance with no right to have feelings.

Sartre · 27/10/2025 15:06

He’s given you the ick. The fact you look at him and feel nothing but sheer resentment says it all. I think your marriage is over.

Worriedalltheday · 27/10/2025 15:04

You’re right the best thing you can do is never have another with him. I’m sure you have the Ick too now after seeing him in his true colors.
amazing how these useless piece of shit men can hold down jobs, social lives, make plans with friends and yet can’t figure out to parent a child.

pointythings · 27/10/2025 14:55

I despair... First response trots out the old line of 'oh, the poor men can't help it that they aren't good with babies'. Yes, they can help it. It takes a little research and willpower.

If my late husband had been rubbish with our DC1 I wouldn't have had a second either. But back then, he was bloody great and fully stepped up.

ConcordeSkyHigh · 27/10/2025 14:39

I don't have kids but imagine the first is the hardest, and he's underestimating how hard it will be with two.

DaisyChain505 · 27/10/2025 14:38

Some parents (not just dads) don’t come into their own as parents until the babies are a little older.

This doesn’t make the situation ok but it also means that he wasn’t necessarily just being lazy/not stepping up.

All you can do is communicate how you feel in a calm manner. Don’t wait for it to come out in an argument. Sit down calmly to talk about it, express how you feel and make it known that you want to move past this and be in a better place.

Youre doing the right thing by standing your ground and not letting things slide. So many women will let their partners get away with the bare minimum because they don’t want to be seen as a nag but that is how men fall into the habit of not contributing enough, resentment building and ultimately the relationship falling apart.