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Original poster

Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

207 replies

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 14:35

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it.

We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year.

He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

OP posts:
pimplebum · 27/10/2025 18:09

Love language abruptly changes after kids

it’s a knackering slog and messy and both parties absolutely must pull their weight and then some to keep the love alive

I’d suggest counselling to either make him realise how bad things are ( clearly he is delusional ) or to break up a bit more amicably

Praying4Peace · 27/10/2025 18:06

Jan039 · 27/10/2025 15:13

Mothers don't get the chance to not 'come into their own' really though do they?
I didn't like the baby stage but I still had to put in the hard work.

I'm not surprised you're disappointed OP, I wouldn't have a second with him either.

Show quote history

But your husband is now stepping up OP, so I suggest that he deserves a chance.
I understand your resentment OP but I know several people who have similar experience.
Please take care and acknowledge that he is trying

Octavia64 · 27/10/2025 18:04

I had similar, although I had twins.

i didn’t really get past it to be honest. I decided I wasn’t going to have any more kids with him because he’d just left so much to me. I had all sorts of medical shit as well.

we did talk about what it would take for us to have another and he basically said he wasn’t prepared to step up at the level so I said we wouldn’t be having any more.

we stayed married and got on well fir many years after that but I always knew that if the chips were down he wouldn’t be there for me and in fact about a decade later I had a serious accident and he wasn’t there for me at all, but that time I didn’t expect him to be and just sorted stuff out myself and arranged help etc.

i think that he did feel lonely as the kids grew up because I never really bothered prioritising his needs because he’d been so clear on how unimportant mine were to him. But I consider that his problem.

we are now divorced. My twins are 24.

he is remarried and apparently hoping his next family will be the family he’s always wanted.

Original poster
TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2025 16:13

Op what did he do that was so bad?

How much resentment is tied in with gping back full time when baby was young and being main wage earner

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

OP posts:
JadziaD · 27/10/2025 18:01

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

yes, this is why you can't move past it. Because he has never expressed remorse. Also, you say he's better now, but it sounds like he's only better because you are cracking the whip and basically playing hardball. Which is pretty exhausting at the best of times and certainly isn't how you would want a long term relationship to continue.

Your options are
1 Leave
2 stay but continue to seethe with resentment until one day he leaves (probably while having an affair) blaming you for not being "kind" enough and "nothing was ever good enough"
3 Tell him you want this to work but you are still really upset and struggling with the reality of your lives when DS came along and even now and you want to go to therapy with him as otherwise you don't believe your relationship will survive. If he says yes, great, you work through it in therapy. If he says no, you know that he's not going to step up and nothing will change and you're back to option 1 or option 2.

Original poster
TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 17:56

BallerinaRadio · 27/10/2025 16:15

You seem to hold a lot of resentment for "just not great" that makes it sound like he could have been much worse. If you want to stay together for your son you're going to have to move past it.

You admit he's better now, so if you do want to stay together you have to work with him if he is improving.

The first baby is fucking hard work it can kill a marriage dead if you let it

Well, yes, I agree and my question is How do I move past it? What do other women in this situation tell themselves to be able to move on?

OP posts:
INeedSleepTooManySheepToCount · 27/10/2025 16:22

A mum cant opt out. I tried for 5 days to breastfeed my DD in hospital. In the end I was being milked like a cow for the colostrum. It was necessary. I dont know many men that would go through the waking, pain, soreness bleeding and to start with humiliation of the process for 5 days solid before i broke.

If they went through what we did they may care more? We dont get the option to opt out either!

My husband was certainly less hands on than me but definitely did his part. In saying that I am part time worker so did house work/ meals for the evening meal. He did take DD off me as soon as he came home.

I say did as DD is a teenager now. He is better with her now than I am.

Tiswa · 27/10/2025 16:20

Staying for a child is a huge burden to place on them and one which is often too much to bear. Your DS needs happy parents not ones trapped because of him.

work out whst you want

Luckyingame · 27/10/2025 16:19

You have done very well.
I don't think you need your husband in your life, let alone have another child by him.

BallerinaRadio · 27/10/2025 16:15

You seem to hold a lot of resentment for "just not great" that makes it sound like he could have been much worse. If you want to stay together for your son you're going to have to move past it.

You admit he's better now, so if you do want to stay together you have to work with him if he is improving.

The first baby is fucking hard work it can kill a marriage dead if you let it

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2025 16:13

Op what did he do that was so bad?

How much resentment is tied in with gping back full time when baby was young and being main wage earner

CombatBarbie · 27/10/2025 16:11

I think this kind of resentment rather than I.e moved in and wasnt pulling his weight bit does so now is so much deeper and I dont think it will ever leave you. Hes shown you what hes like when the chips are down and doubly so because you had a child, a baby you created together!!! Being in a similar situation, the relationship ended.

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2025 16:11

Couples counselling. Myself and attended after 1st and 2nd child as we needed to get over some bumps. Best thing we ever did

Didimum · 27/10/2025 16:08

You need marriage counselling. Unresolved resentment is one of the biggest precursors to divorce. Don't leave it to late, address it now.

Starwomanwaiting · 27/10/2025 16:06

Divorce. Just kidding. Well, ish.

I know someone with a useless husband and she has found How Not to Hate Your Husband a useful book. Might be worth trying? However I do think his failure to work on himself means they probably will end up getting divorced.

RandomMess · 27/10/2025 15:56

I would actually ask him why he said he’d like another to that stranger, let him explain and tell him that you will never have another with him due to completely unacceptable attitude towards you and your first.

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2025 15:52

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:25

@Ambergold9752 yes, the family i wanted has been taken away from me too. I think some women are more capable of putting up with everything. Maybe if I hadn't gone back to work so early and I didn't carry the financial burden as well, I'd feel different. Or not, maybe I'd just feel even more vulnerable. Who knows.

I have made an appointment to fit the mirena coil next week. I'm 37 so if I fit this now, I am not ever getting pregnant again as it's a 5 year thing. I know you can get it out early but this is my way of saying fuck it, no more, won't consider it.

But my marriage remains a problem. I want to stay together for DS' sake.

Edited

Is your DH aware you’re having a Mirena and how resentful you feel? I see you say you want to stay together for ds’s sake, but do you think it might better to split rather than ds grow up with parents who don’t love each other (I’m making a huge assumption that you don’t love each other, you sound [(rightly] resentful).

VanyaV · 27/10/2025 15:47

I feel the same way OP, we’re separating. DC and I will be better off without him. He’s been a series of disappointments.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/10/2025 15:46

Unfortunately this is why I'm divorced. My ex was SO useless and completely lazy I could never find it in my heart to forgive him. This was his child and he never even changed one nappy.

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 15:45

And it's so infantile, this micromanaging and having to support and encourage and explain.

But women?? They just do it

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 15:43

First post?

Excusing men.

Undochange · 27/10/2025 15:38

Has he acknowledged how shit he was? Or aired an appreciation for you? This & therapy helped me get over the same situation - and brave another DC with him. He was brilliant second time around, though DC2 arguably has an easier temperament which helped.

Original poster
TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:25

@Ambergold9752 yes, the family i wanted has been taken away from me too. I think some women are more capable of putting up with everything. Maybe if I hadn't gone back to work so early and I didn't carry the financial burden as well, I'd feel different. Or not, maybe I'd just feel even more vulnerable. Who knows.

I have made an appointment to fit the mirena coil next week. I'm 37 so if I fit this now, I am not ever getting pregnant again as it's a 5 year thing. I know you can get it out early but this is my way of saying fuck it, no more, won't consider it.

But my marriage remains a problem. I want to stay together for DS' sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:21

Thundertoast · 27/10/2025 15:06

I'd be questioning if he even loved me at all to be honest. How can anyone's response to someone they love being overwhelmed, even if they are overwhelmed themselves, be 'i do more than other dads so go away'.
Have you talked about how him saying 'other dads do more' is exist because its not that he's great, the bar is just in hell? Or does he never let it get that far. if he was so in the right, how come he's now trying harder...
Im so sorry this happened to you. This is NOT okay. Just because other men are shit too doesn't mean you need to be grateful for crumbs. He's treated you like an appliance with no right to have feelings.

@Thundertoast yes, unloved is how I feel.

I don't even care so much about the workload or anything, given he is doing more now. If he acknowledged it and showed me some appreciation, I'd be more inclined to forgive and forget. Interesting how happy I'd be with so little.

We've had plenty of conversations, calm and not so calm. I'm done talking, I just sound like a robot repeating the same thing over and over.

OP posts:
Jan039 · 27/10/2025 15:13

DaisyChain505 · 27/10/2025 14:38

Some parents (not just dads) don’t come into their own as parents until the babies are a little older.

This doesn’t make the situation ok but it also means that he wasn’t necessarily just being lazy/not stepping up.

All you can do is communicate how you feel in a calm manner. Don’t wait for it to come out in an argument. Sit down calmly to talk about it, express how you feel and make it known that you want to move past this and be in a better place.

Youre doing the right thing by standing your ground and not letting things slide. So many women will let their partners get away with the bare minimum because they don’t want to be seen as a nag but that is how men fall into the habit of not contributing enough, resentment building and ultimately the relationship falling apart.

Mothers don't get the chance to not 'come into their own' really though do they?
I didn't like the baby stage but I still had to put in the hard work.

I'm not surprised you're disappointed OP, I wouldn't have a second with him either.