Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

OMG he's absolutely fucking awful. He lived the life of a single man without children while you were struggling with a new baby. He may be better than he was, but he still sounds totally selfish and shit.

Which dads does he know that do less than him? It doesn't really sound possible as he wasn't even in the same country as his child for weeks when you were on maternity leave.

I couldn't stay with a man like that. You are already doing pretty much everything and you out-earn him. If you split up you won't need to witness his perfunctory parenting every day.

All I’ll say is 1 is 1 , 2 is 100 think very carefully

Tbh I think you should leave now. Right now you are the default parent and the bread winner. What does he actually bring to the table? Why let your resentment poison the rest of your time with you DD?

for the record, I’m not a baby parent but as a woman I just have to get the fuck over it. It can be done.

I feel the same towards my DH to be honest. He has massively disappointed me in how rubbish a parent he has turned out to me. Basically gives the bare minimum and that’s after years and years of me trying to coach him into being better still nothing. Yet as someone upthread points out manages to hold down a job make plans with friends etc. People choose what to put in and he has made his choice. I’ve stopped saying anything and instead will just let him feel the consequences of a poor relationship with his children as they get older.
I’ve totally lost all attraction to him because of it

I was in similar situation to you (resentment through the roof) though DH didn’t actually go away, maybe would have preferred he did because he was so useless it was enraging. We only had one and I am still very much default parent 6.5 years later. If we are both here he is absolutely no use in terms of parenting. She doesn’t listen to him and he has no common sense about how to avoid arguments with her etc. I have to do everything. She doesn’t want to go places with just him.

I had therapy and the therapist helped me take the time I need. She helped me to see that I needed to just leave them together to get on with it and build a relationship. So I do hobbies outside of the house, don’t feel bad about going to the pub or going away with friends. And they get on a lot better without me here.

I think we will break up at some point, honestly, but right now everything is fine.As I’m the higher earner, he went part time when she started school and picks her up from school every day which I really like as she isn’t the kind of child that could cope with clubs on top of school.

I think they don’t know what to do that first year and do t have the same bins atarught away like we do. If he is pulling his weight now I’d let it go. Put it down as the learning curve it was.

He just means he sees it as women’s work, any woman will do.

You say you feel nothing for him. I would have encouraged you to stay and work things out, but if you feel
nothing and numb, then in my view it’s too late, you have checked out. I don’t blame you if you have felt unloved and uncared for so long.

You are only 37 and very young, you don’t have to settle for this for two more decades, sacrificing your life op. Your son will adjust and it’s easier the younger he is.

There is no scenario at all where I would have another child, so good on you for fixing that. Your dh seems in cloud cuckoo land to imagine you would want more children given what you have said.

People have covered a lot, but the one thing I'd add is be careful with how you view future children.

On the one hand, yes - don't have more, because he won't help and you will resent him more...

On the other hand if you do want more, and don't have them because of him - you'll still end up resenting him for that.

Personally, I was somewhat in your shoes, and although medical issues meant that the second child wasn't possible in the end, I had somewhat come to the acceptance that I wanted it, knowing full well my partner wouldn't be able to do that much to help (not entirely their fault, medical issues involved) and that it would be unfair on me. In the end on balance, I still wanted a second, and felt that to deprive myself of that would be more unfair, than having the child and taking on an unfair load of the childcare.

I was going to suggest couples counselling but after reading your updates I would suggest divorce, because fuck that shit. Useless man. I would spend my days hating him too and that is no life. He wasn't just useless in that first year, he was actively trying his hardest to be absent! Just no.

I don't get your DH OP.
He says "babies need their mums" but was quite happy for you to engage a nanny so you could go back to work after 6 months? Makes no sense.

Does he now see the nanny as an excuse for him to op out of parenting his child?

He obviously doesn't see a problem.

He sounds like one of these DHs that can't see that various household jobs need doing.

I'm not sure how you can fix that.

I can only say my awful exh was better than this. Your H is a total prick. Divorce was amazing for me. I got every other weekend off which meant I could take care of myself better.
me and the DC had an amazing adventure. They were 2&3 when we got divorced.

I’d be out the door OP. He can’t acknowledge or apologise for how utterly shit he has been because he thinks he’s done nothing wrong! I would not be having sex with this man again as I wouldn’t want to risk having another baby with him!

He's shown you what he's like, and what he's (not) capable of. Stick with your gut feeling. Don't just stay together for the child, you also need to think about yourself.

The two weeks bit is you deciding how the marriage has to repay you for you to feel like you hang in there. In your shoes I’d need that - minimum 14 nights solo.

Of course you can’t move past it, he’s not really any better if he can’t even feed his own child??! I’d say we will separate maximum one year from now unless this marriage has supported me to have two weeks long of solo holidays (they don’t each have to be a week) and I can’t currently even leave our child for a few hours now as you can’t even be trusted to cook him a meal that won’t poison him, so it seems the outcome is decided unless you put in a boatload of effort to actually be a dad, starting now. If I can’t imagine leaving him with you for 4 days in 6 months I’m just going to call it- you don’t love him, it’s not possible you love your tiny child if you won’t care for them or even feed them, and I need you out of my life.

He’s done a number on you

Well he hasn’t actually stepped up in anyway, parenting or household chores. Not sure life would be harder for you without him. Might be harder for him on the days he has DS. Definitely don’t have another child with him, sorry @TiredToddlerMum876

It sounds like you’ve lost respect for him. Did you want to go back after 6 months or would you have preferred to stay off longer ? You mentioned you’re the higher earner, is there resentment there that he isn’t pulling his with financially nor domestically.

A lot of threads here have a similar theme where the woman is the higher earner and as soon as a child enters the picture they find that they are spinning way too many plates whilst husband/dad is doing bare minimum. I can understand why you’d lose respect for
him.

Just get a divorce. Your child will be far happier with a mother who doesn’t have 2 children . One being a grown man.

I had a similarly useless deadbeat ex. I remember DC and I being ill with the flu whilst he was working away. Understood when he said he was unable to come back early, despite my being unable to stand long enough to cook, and my nearly passing out at home. When he got back on the Friday evening he went straight to the pub: “there’s no point in sitting in here watching the two of you being unwell”.

Single parenting is not as awful or as hard as being with him was. DC and I have a lovely life together. He remains a shitbag human being, incapable of prioritising anyone’s needs over his own.

Mine was like that and it just got worse (we’re in the middle of an acrimonious divorce atm). Get your ‘ducks in a row’ time.

Well done for having the sense not to have more with this loser.
He let you truly down and now you know that you can never unsee it.
You have changed and that is it.
Take your time, see the baby through to 3 and starting pre school and see how you feel.
Don't waste your life with him, he doesn't deserve you.
You can co parent well.
Tell your mother the truth.
He's a loser.

I didn't. I remember asking Ex for help with baby when I was really struggling and he said, "you wanted a baby - suck it up". I'm not sure there's any coming back once you realise you've chosen a crap partner to raise a child with.

Of course he's patient with him. As you say, he's just a glorified babysitter. When it gets hard, he bails as he's already shown you.