Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

No solution, but solidarity. This is what ended my marriage.

Im not sure if this is helpful, but although the split was stressful, I’m happier now than I was when we were together. And the children are fine and love is both.

@TiredToddlerMum876 I was you 20 years ago.

I didn't really want children but my ex did. So we had one. And then he stood back and did nothing. Let me cope on my own. Despite the difficult birth, huge blood loss.

When DS was 5 he started making noises about a 2nd child. I just told him, 'No. You left all the work to me. I'm not doing it again.' and that was it. No discussion. He couldn't believe I'd made a unilateral decision. But in effect he made it with his choices of how to leave me to sink or swim with the child he had said he really wanted.

It's not the only reason he's an ex. But it was an element of it.

I think you need counselling op to decide what to do as you sound unhappy. Well done for realising how you feel. I realised the same but it took me a long time to get to the point of that’s enough. I also didn’t have a third because I couldn’t do it with him.

@TiredToddlerMum876 im sorry you had an unsupported post partum period. I think it’s a combination of his uselessness and I genuinely believe as we are so vulnerable in that period- anything crap hits harder and is therefore harder to move on from.

my first was an easy child and slept wonderfully. My second was a typical baby and barely slept therefore cried a lot more. My husband became so useless at helping and supporting and retreated to the guest room at night, refused to put her down for naps or bed. It was awful and I was very angry and resentful. I ended up writing him a letter as my conversations were not getting my point across without him defending himself. I also asked my husband to get metal health help as I wondered if he had post partum depression ( he didn’t pursue this). The letter helped significantly, he didn’t change overnight but he said seeing written down and how a seemingly “small” task carried so much weight with me meant he finally apologised and recognised his shortcomings. I didn’t instantly feel better about him but I felt lighter.

perhaps that’s something you can try and the other aspect is to really think about whether you do want this to work. If you do then that itself might give you the peace to pursue forgiveness.

Like others, I initially thought this was something that time would help to heal, but having read your updates I need to tell you unequivocally that his is NOT now stepping up.

My DH and I had a really rough first year with DS1 and it was easier with DC2 because we both knew what to expect, but there is no way in hell I would have had another if all my DH did was play with him and be ‘present’ for bed and bath.

I am also the higher earner and work longer hours and I think I would have felt totally taken advantage off in your shoes.

For reference, my DH pretty much from the off
-took newborn DS out to the park for a minimum of an hour Saturday and Sunday to give me a rest
-got up early with him Saturday and Sunday so I could have a lie in
-Shared night wakes at the weekend while I was on maternity
-booked and paid for me to have a spa weekend when he was 6 months old

Now with 2 young kids, we are equal parents in their eyes. Yes, they still want their mum if they have a nightmare or are ill but are happy with a weekend with just dad, or dad doing dinner, bathtime, drop offs and pick ups.

The less he does now with your DS, the more he is going to be completely attached to you and you will not be able to leave him to have a night out with friends, go away with work, have a day to yourself. The longer this goes on, the more being with you and not dad becomes the norm

I know that in my group of friends ALL of the male partners have stepped up in this way so his assertion that ‘lots of men do fuck all’ is really no benchmark.

if you want to stay with him, I’d suggest you, both individually and together need counselling

You make more than him. Why are you staying with him?

My partner was/is utterly useless with our son. I did everything. To this day my partner has not got up with our child at night time. He even admitted - years later that he could hear our son crying at night and deliberately chose to ignore him.

If I had to work I wouldn’t have stayed.

“I struggle because at work and with friends I am seen as quite "bossy", I think people would be surprised with how much I put up with from DH.”

@TiredToddlerMum876 I was struck by this comment. I wonder if your “bossiness” comes from knowing that when you give an instruction, it will be followed (I’m in no way suggesting you are a poor manager). But the lack of control and support on your home life may be showing up in your work life.

Might this be something to explore? Knowing that your child is safe and well with its father while you are away does bring a certain psychological relaxation which you don’t seem to be able to count on.

I think you have a lot of hard thinking to do. I think that you have come onto Mumsnet to ask the question means you have taken the first step to distance from your husband.

I don’t know, I think i could accept/forgive if there was a real ownership m of the fact he was crap, and he stepped up properly now without having to be overseen by you.

If he was truly an equal parent now I'd suggest counselling individually to get over the resentment and together to understand the effect he had. But he is objectively still shit. If this is really his best, is there much point in staying together? The resentment at the inequality of everything would just kill the relationship for me.

How would splitting be harder for you? It sounds like the only difference would be that you wouldn't need to cook for yourself. You might actually get some time off.

It's very easy to be 'very patient' and a fun parent, when you don't have to worry about anything, plan or organise anything, and your only task is to play with the baby.

As PPs have said, I think your only choices are leaving or acceptance which will likely need therapy. But having therapy to accept a problem in your life rather than removing the problem seems a bit mad to me. Your son will get easier as he gets older (eg will entertain himself while you both get on with stuff) so you might be able to forget some of the worst bits though (or put off leaving till he is a bit older)

The other thing OP, for a capable switched on lady like you, being a single mum is not that hard. I've done 15 years of raising my ds on my own while working full time and paying a mortgage. I did it without parents or any family support. My ds' dad was exactly like your dh. I finally gave up trying to get ex to take ds to the park or get up at night (even once) or change a smelly nappy, when ds was two.

The 15 years since have been happy & fun, not filled with constant resentment & anger. Don't underestimate your abilities.

Also remember that he is the male role model for your son.

he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that

He did less than plenty of Dads who are wonderful. This attitude stinks to be honest.

I think it comes down to the question about what, exactly is he contributing if you are the higher earner and working longer hours and you’re also working harder as a parent.

I think you need to have the conversation with him about a second child and say something will have to change. Maybe he needs to take on more hours and a pay rise since he didn’t do a good enough job as the stay at home parent.

I can also see that perspective, but if the OP is looking for ways to move past resentment it suggests to me that her first choice isn’t to leave her DH. In which case the only things she can control in the situation are her actions / thoughts, so trying to reframe things into a more positive light can sometimes help get rid of the initial anger and move past the resenting phase.. obviously the alternative is to accept this is how he is & leave. Which is also fine!

Part of it is also probably accepting what has happened has happened, it is pointless to keep hashing over what he did in the first 15 months. It’s done, you can’t change it - so you either try to move forward or leave!

Bloody hell. He sounds utterly useless.
Does he know you’re having the coil put in? Personally, I’d skip the coil but leave him instead.

Is he or is he not good with DS? Your posts contradict themselves..

I agree with the poster that some parents don’t “do” well with certain age groups and I am definitely over of those. Babies bore the life out of me! Don’t get me wrong I loved my babies from the moment I conceived but I am not a natural home body or overly maternal mummy type. I absolutely did the night feeds from 10-6 , so I could sleep in for an extra 2 hours while my DH got up at 6am and did the breakfast etc . But I didn’t enjoy that state at all and find it very hard. We had to tag team work with me doing days and him doing nights. I look back and honestly wonder how wet got through it. But I didn’t really come into my own as a parent until the kids were taking/waking/doing/asking questions. I LOVED teaching them things and all 4 of my kids can wall paper, paint, lay flooring, fit shelves, do flat pack, do basic plumbing etc.

but I did, at times resent my DH too. But we are still here 24 years in so must have got over it.

Sometimes trying is not good enough, and the resentment is too far gone. Why should OP give him a chance? That first year is so vulnerable, that is the time to especially step up and he let her down. She’s given him more than a chance.

more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.

@1234gcj I get what you’re saying but also fuck that. I adore my children but why should we accept being the default parent and not take time for ourselves? Martyrdom is not healthy for anyone! I don’t clock watch but am conscious of taking up space in my own family, after all if the kids ARENT a chore why wouldn’t my husband want to spend time with them?

My husband was like this—actually, at times, even worse than how you’ve described.

My child is now three, and I remember feeling exactly as you do; I was very angry at him and, in some ways, I’m still quite disappointed.

However, two things have helped: time and therapy.

I strongly suggest considering therapy together as a couple, as it really can make communication much easier. Time has also been a great healer for us. Don’t feel you have to rush to make any decisions, but also try not to let resentment build up over time.

and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

This is your answer ^.

I'm afraid I can't see a way to come back from this.

I think you need to consult a solicitor about divorce.

(I had a useless first husband and I stayed far too long.)

I'm sorry x

I have also been in this exact situation, however we had 2 small children & DH worked away for extended periods. We argued immensely when back together as I felt he didn’t do his ‘fair share’ of childcare / still was able to do normal things like shower / go to the gym without feeling he had to ask permission (as I would do) and didn’t equally contribute to many (if any) household chores. I was also the main earner and responsible for all childcare drop offs and pick ups which contributed to resentment even more.

I do think on here people are quick to say ‘leave your husband’, but some people do not want to share time with their children & practically that isn’t always the best option. To some extent I see it as the option I chose and why should my children pay the price for that by being split between 2 homes.

Some steps I took to move past this phase:

1. Accept that the young child phase is naturally more where my strengths lie - DH will probably come into his own more as the DC get older & are more independent- that is okay, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him, we just have different skill sets for dealing with children. Also accept that this allows me space to build a really strong bond with my children as they know they can really count on me.

2. Hand over some jobs to DH and then remove yourself entirely from those tasks. E.g. bath time - let him do this and do not go up to ‘check on him’ or make sure he’s doing it the way you would. I have realised I was quietly judging the way my DH did these things because he wasn’t doing them the way I would, but once I accepted that and let him get on with it I realised it was still fine. He got them done, just not the way I would.

3. more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.

4. Try to reconnect with your DH and remind yourself why you actually liked him in the first place. Even if that is just having a no phones evening on the sofa once a week or putting your child in childcare for a day & taking a day of annual leave to spend together. It will remind you that you aren’t actually working against each other, you’re on the same team and it’s both of you learning how to manage the new responsibilities in a way the works for you.

Sorry that is long & may not be helpful to you, but it is some of the things that helped me x

Having read your update, your DH wasn’t just a bit hands off, he was/is useless. I can’t believe he can’t remember (be bothered with) your ds’ food allergies. To be honest rather than having the conversation/argument again I would write down factually what you feel- document what you did and were responsible for compared to him and see if he can digest it that way. If nothing else visually your load will look huge compared to his. Who swans off for 2 solo holidays?! I would never have another baby with him.

I also need to point out that resentment only deepens with age. You will become bitter and angry, your child might even come to see you as the problem - most of the resentment will bubble up as unreasonableness in time because you haven’t been able to address the core issues.

Leaving your dh to play the victim card. Mean mummy doesn’t appreciate Daddy scenario. He might even step up and double his efforts, but it’s too late. He stood by and watched you drown. You can’t unsee that.

I would be wary of this outcome. You may very well become the bad guy very rapidly.

OP you deserve so much better than this pathetic man. The bar is so incredibly low for men to be considered a good dad, apparently being patient and never taking responsibility for them or doing any actual parenting is the bar now? I am shocked that he has done and continues to do so little for his own son, to the point your mum noticed? Embarrassing for him, you absolutely should not have more babies with this horrible man. Not caring enough about his son to keep spices/allergens out of the food he’s cooking tells you how selfish and inconsiderate he is.

Genuine question; if he’s never taken DS out more than 5 times, never does bath/bed on his own, doesn’t cook for his son, doesn’t do laundry - what the actual fuck would you miss if you broke up with him? What is he contributing?

Please tell me you are having a laugh!

She works full time.

Christ on a bike!