Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

My ex was like this. As time went on his minimum effort got lower and lower and, like boiling a frog, my tolerance for it got higher and higher. Eventually (many many years later) he left and for me it was like taking off a tight pair of shoes.

I had to spend so much time and energy not bruising his ego by asking if the bins had been put out, or the dogs had been walked, or any one of the other myriad things he would say "leave it to me" over, that when he finally left being able to just do it instead of carrying the mental load of knowing it needed to be done, but knowing it hadn't, was such a relief.

He was like that with our children too. The good time dad. Never there for the hard work, or the boring bits, or the bits you needed infinite patience for, but always around for the fun parts where he would be congratulated by his whole family for being such a good dad.

Then he left and the kids chose me.. unequivocally. They said I was the one who was there for them. I was the one who helped them. I was the one they loved and needed. I was the one they knew.

Now, he sees his children when he organises it and they have time or inclination. They are polite and friendly to him, and they have a laugh but they are like "blokes down the pub" not his children.

Bear with his parenting because he doesn't realise that he's emotionally investing and there won't be rewards down the line. I'm not sure putting up with everything else is worth it. Just look at my username. That's how I felt for the longest time. The longer you leave it the harder it gets.. bear that in mind, and ask yourself what is he actually bringing to the party?

You are stonger than you know and you and your child may well be happier and more successful without a growth sapping your strength, confidence, and mental energy.

Why are you protecting him by lying to your mum?

You are obviously a very loving mum and an extremely capable woman with a high earning job.

You would definitely cope being a single parent and you will find a lot of things much easier when you no longer have to keep up the pretence that he brings anything to your marriage. He is an utterly lazy dad and it's really easy to be kind and loving to a small child if you don't take any responsibility for doing any of the more difficult and stressful bits of parenting. I presume that he has never got up in the night so will always be well rested. He doesn't even carry the responsibility of being the major breadwinner. You are better than him at everything.

Are you scared about him having to look after DS on his own if you separate? Do you think that he won't keep your child safe? That's the only valid reason I can see for your reluctance to leave him.

A marathon and a masters in the first year of his child’s life?

Jesus wept who are these men??? Of all the years of his life. Of all the years, he chose that year to do both. Wow. Talk about being abandoned.

Why didn’t you tell your mum the truth OP? Are you protecting him so she doesn’t think less of him? I think it would be a good idea to talk to people in your life. I was also thinking counselling would be a good idea, but I’m not sure if he would change his behaviours as a result. In terms of growing resentment though I think covering for him and aiding an image that he’s a great dad will just increase your resentment.

I really really feel for you @TiredToddlerMum876 . I was a lone parent but a high earner and toddler years were exhausting. However I was able to pay for help and it was done how I wanted - I didn’t have to nag. The extra toll nagging takes on you is so tough.

i agree with the other posters who’ve suggested counselling as a last ditch attempt.

Some successful couples I know have divided jobs vertically - eg laundry for one person, daily cooking for the other. One cleans/ tidies upstairs the other downstairs. Cars - completely one person including repairs/ tax insurance etc. They have a list of all main jobs - they divide them completely with NO sharing and never deviate and dont step in to help. They also don’t judge.
(Have an emergency pair of pants and see how bad it gets??) Then it’s very clear and they can never use that lame ass excuse they were “just about to” and you have clear evidence in counselling how incompetent he is.

I was married once and on our first wedding anniversary my mum had open heart surgery. My ex had a family party to attend and we agreed that was fine as I would be better on my own looking after my dad and taking him to visit mum when she came out of surgery. However, I heard nothing from him all day. When I saw my mum as she was in post op intensive care, I felt really wobbly and tried to phone him. Couldn’t get through. His phone was off. He eventually rang at 11pm.
i was so hurt and when i said as much later i got one of those apologies that are full of irritation “look i said i was sorry, i can’t change the past, I would if I could” kind of apology.
When I finally left our marriage and he was sobbing on the ground, I said this is where the rot set in. And then he apologised…. And boy did he apologise with genuine heart felt remorse. How he’d thought about it and realised he’d been cruel not checking up throughout the day and supporting me.

It was too late then.

Sounds to me like you’re married to an ineffective man child. And you’re a successful go getting competant woman.

if counselling, strategies for clear chore division don’t work you will cope better on your own. X x

Actually, the system is changing. Hopefully for the better, and no longer assuming 50/50 is in the child’s best interests:

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cx2lxgp58j5o.amp

I think you are wrong to stay for DS’s sake when you are so unhappy and resentful. You say you are unpleasant and snappy with your DH because of your resentment and feel “nothing” towards your husband. If that is true, and does not change, what kind of atmosphere do you think your son is going to grow up in? What kind of marriage do you think you will have if you are silently seething (i’m not saying that your anger and resentment is misplaced, given what you have said) and being unpleasant to your husband, regardless of how he behaves now, and where you have no positive feelings of love, affection or even friendship towards your spouse? Is that the life you want? Is that the life you want for any of you?

The reality is that if you continue on this path, your marriage will most likely slowly (or perhaps not so slowly) fall apart. Your disdain and resentment will stay, until he resents you for your behaviour to him now, and then you’ll both resent each other, until one you decides enough is enough (or finds someone else), or perhaps your feelings will turn into apathy. Eventually, possibly after a lot of hurt and pain, one of you will have enough and leave. But it will probably be messy and your son will be caught up in that mess. Or, you’ll resentfully stay together wishing you could be anywhere else. That is not a life for you, for your husband or for your son.

I think you have a choice to make- work on your marriage (and that takes two of you, so not placing blame or burden on you) or accept your relationship is over. You can’t keep going as you are- you are hurting yourself, and your husband, and cementing the foundation of an extremely unhappy marriage in the long-term, and a strained home. You won’t be able to hide these feelings, or the atmosphere created, from your son no matter how hard you try. Don’t kid yourself that you can and it will be fine. It won’t.

If you do genuinely want to stay together, I think you need couples counselling or some sort of help for him to acknowledge your feelings about the past and his behaviour, and for you to find away to put the past behind you and move on. If one or both of you can’t or won’t work on your relationship, you should end your marriage.

You sound like my SIL. It is so obvious to my that my BIL does absolutely nothing and she is there to sort him and the kids. To the extent that when he used to come round, if he wanted something, he would ask her, rather than me or his actual brother! He has always played the amazing dad role, and is the louder voice.

Roll on a few decades and his eldest is 18. BIL has been enjoying himself taking the eldest to special trips, he gave a speech at their 18th all about his journey of becoming a parent (literally NOT about the kid; so weird) and the mum is edited out. Kids are meek. I have no idea why they’re still together; she looks at him now the way you describe - with nothing.

Please don’t let this become you. He is still rubbish, he won’t change, his needs are far above yours and your child, and this will have a lasting impact on you, and possibly life long on your child. It might be harder on your own to begin with, but ultimately it will be so much easier, and you might find a partner who values you, and prioritises you.

Good luck!

You MAY BU.

You sound like a lot of my friends who had the dark cloud that the first child can bring.

Most recovered well once their child started sleeping through the night. Others didn't, and let temporary emotions lead them to a journey of single parenthood.

Take time, and reflect inward.

Even my DH is genuinely the most hands on father I've come across. I've been on holiday and left him with a baby and toddler. Even then, we both acknowledge our children desire me for something biologically innate.

Things will change.

Your original post was quite bad; but this update is really, really shit. This is seriously crap from him - honestly based on that second post I think you should consider leaving or counseling at the very very least. It doesn’t sound like he wants to be a father?? Or a husband to be honest? I’m not sure what his role is in the family if you are doing all the parenting, all the family work, and earning the money…
lots of luck to you xxx

Nag is a derogatory misogynist term, please avoid it when discussing women. It's used by men to shut down a woman's discussion.

Been there done that. 5 years on, I've been able to move past it (don't think I'll ever fully get over it) but only because DH apologised and changed for the better. If he hadn't , it would've been curtains. I got sterilised and at first DH was sad but now he's doing more he's glad we stuck to 1.

In your situation I'd consider couples counselling. If he refuses maybe it's time for an ultimatum?

I honestly couldn’t get over the resentment. A close friend has a husband who became brainwashed by Andrew Tate during her pregnancy and he’s 3 years into being a father and is yet to change a nappy, get up of a night or do a bath. And the baby has additional medical needs. But he has told friend the day their baby was born he would want 50/50 so to get no ideas. She is trapped with this absolute loser who has no interest in their child and refuses to learn how to prepare their baby’s special meals etc and the one time she left them alone he gave the baby something dangerous (think allowing a snickers bar to chew on for a baby with a peanut allergy) and had her mum not popped in on a whim the outcome may have been catastrophic. I appreciate that many women are stuck with useless men out of fear their useless husbands will get 50% custody and their child will be neglected 50% of the time. It’s a very flawed system forcing women into staying in relationships they don’t want to be in.

Yes, he's still absolutely shit. No doubt this provides a daily reminder of what an absolute cunt he was for the first year. You sound absolutely capable @TiredToddlerMum876 . You'll be better off without him. As you are the higher earner, the longer you stay, the more it will cost you, but I think you will know when you're ready to separate.

So basically it’s our fault if our husbands do f-all to help? When does nagging/urging tip over into a toxic environment unhealthy for our kids? Sometimes having to give in and just crack on means a happy homelife for the kids at least, without constant rowing. That may not be a brilliant choice but it sure as heck isn’t the woman limiting her options here, but the man!

It's also not just how shit he was previously.

He's still shit. The only thing he actually does now is play with his son. While she has to be there because he can't look after the boy on his own.

Useless. Incompetent. Lazy. Selfish.

The resentment is where I’m at currently. I’m pretty sure my SC see me as a sour-faced housekeeper at this point, whilst Fun Dad lets them watch TV all day.

I don’t want that for my own daughter so I’m leaving.

Knowing that your child is safe and well with its father while you are away does bring a certain psychological relaxation which you don’t seem to be able to count on.

Is this true though? When my ds was 5 he stayed with his dad (very like the OP's dh) for four days between xmas & new year.

He returned ds on NYE with an untreated dog bite, through to the bone, and a raging infection/fever. When I asked why he hadn't taken him to A&E, he shrugged and said "he'll be all right". Basically he just couldn't be bothered.

It took A&E and a week of ABs to set ds right. I've never trusted ex with anything again. Some people aren't capable of being parents because they are selfish and lazy to the core.

Not when he is refusing to take any responsibility for how absolutely shit he was previously!

This with great brass bells on ! ^

Yeah…I got more support than this from my DH when I was a SAHM and carried zero financial responsibility. It’s a slap in the face that you carry the financial burden and do all of this @TiredToddlerMum876 .

It’s like your DH has cherry-picked the parts that suit him from both the patriarchy and the modern world and is straddling both, to your detriment, and to his unfair advantage. Patriarchy: dad doesn’t do any parenting - check. Modern world: woman is the breadwinner - check. The fact that he’s pulling this shit on your dime is obscene.

1 He took 2 solo week long holidays.

2 totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old.

3 gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily

4 trained and ran for a marathon.

5 started a part time masters.

6 takes no responsibility for baby's (now toddler)'s food.

7 Doesn't help with the dairy and egg allergies

8 taken him out once in 15 months to a playground.

9 Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

10 Never has him alone (watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime.

11 Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

12 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it)

He's a daddy cock-lodger @TiredToddlerMum876 and sounds absolutely shit.

Are you still intimate with him? I couldn't love this man, regardless of how much I might have loved him BEFORE the baby came along. And I would struggle to allow him near me.

He doesn't love you. I'm sorry to say that. But he's using you.
You fund his nice life (holidays, masters, hobby) by being the main earner.
You do the childcare.
And do the household stuff. (I understand you have a nanny, and assume maybe you also have a cleaner).

This bloke is on easy street because you're giving him a lovely life.

I don't know how you retain a marriage with a partner like this. I appreciate the position you're in. I also desperately wanted to stay married and not break up the family. But his behaviour stopped my being able to love him. And I grew to physically recoil from the possibility of sex with him. Even then, I had to be the one to leave.

Be very careful. I don't think he wants another baby just because he wants another child. I think it's tightening the noose even further around your neck. Get that coil in ASAP.

This is AWFUL. I personally couldn't get past this!. It's not a one-off and many of his actions are pure laziness - how can you constantly forget your child has a dairy allergy!?

I had similar with my dh the first year after DS was born he was useless, he was the main earner though so i reduced my hours when i returned to work as no way was I being a full time mum and cleaner and working full time on top. I let it go but said no to a second child as I knew the same thing would happen.
when DS was 2 my mental health declined (due to a number of factors) Dh buried his head in the sand and refused to acknowledge or help eventually i had a breakdown. It took me a long time to forgive that. I told myself that he hadn’t known the out come and we learnt a lesson. Except a few years later i developed chronic pain and again he refused to help me and I ended up in hospital for several weeks and had a long recovery. I haven’t forgiven him for that although I appreciate how much he has stepped up since it happened.
i need him at the minute and so does ds, I haven’t decided what I will do long term but I stopped accepting his inadequacies.

Fucking hell!

No wonder you’re still pissed off.

I would be too. Not sure how you can move past all that crap now. Not without therapy.