Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

I honestly couldn’t get over the resentment. A close friend has a husband who became brainwashed by Andrew Tate during her pregnancy and he’s 3 years into being a father and is yet to change a nappy, get up of a night or do a bath. And the baby has additional medical needs. But he has told friend the day their baby was born he would want 50/50 so to get no ideas. She is trapped with this absolute loser who has no interest in their child and refuses to learn how to prepare their baby’s special meals etc and the one time she left them alone he gave the baby something dangerous (think allowing a snickers bar to chew on for a baby with a peanut allergy) and had her mum not popped in on a whim the outcome may have been catastrophic. I appreciate that many women are stuck with useless men out of fear their useless husbands will get 50% custody and their child will be neglected 50% of the time. It’s a very flawed system forcing women into staying in relationships they don’t want to be in.

Couples counselling. Myself and attended after 1st and 2nd child as we needed to get over some bumps. Best thing we ever did

This is like a step by step of how to be a pathetic door mat?! Why should OP have to suck up her husbands lazy shit behaviour

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

He’s done a number on you

@1234gcj I was also in a similar situation when my two children were little and your advice really rings true for what got us through things and put the other side too. The children are now 6 and 8, things are completely different and we are very happy together.

I also agree with what you say about point 3 - not that I think childcare has to be women’s work but when you are constantly thinking ‘is this 50:50?’ it can really rob the joy out of it. My husband does WAY more of the house and garden maintenance/ managing builders/ and actually house cleaning/ laundry than me too. I do feel overall that we are both people pulling our weight within the family and trying to make life nice for the other person and that matters more than whether everything is split 50:50.

I also think what really helped me was realising in that a lot of women didn’t have an ideal first year. I always imagined that modern husbands were there doing night feeds and bath time and giving their partners a lie-in at the weekend. Thinking about all these ideal modern dads when I was doing a lone bedtime with a 4 month old baby used to really enrage me. But as time has gone on I’ve realised quite a lot of people don’t have that experience- maybe because of jobs/ commutes/ unexpectedly becoming a single parent, sometimes just because of the partner not ‘stepping up’. Somehow knowing that I wasn’t the only one helped me make peace with it.

@Ambergold9752 yes, the family i wanted has been taken away from me too. I think some women are more capable of putting up with everything. Maybe if I hadn't gone back to work so early and I didn't carry the financial burden as well, I'd feel different. Or not, maybe I'd just feel even more vulnerable. Who knows.

I have made an appointment to fit the mirena coil next week. I'm 37 so if I fit this now, I am not ever getting pregnant again as it's a 5 year thing. I know you can get it out early but this is my way of saying fuck it, no more, won't consider it.

But my marriage remains a problem. I want to stay together for DS' sake.

How is life for you now?

I have also been in this exact situation, however we had 2 small children & DH worked away for extended periods. We argued immensely when back together as I felt he didn’t do his ‘fair share’ of childcare / still was able to do normal things like shower / go to the gym without feeling he had to ask permission (as I would do) and didn’t equally contribute to many (if any) household chores. I was also the main earner and responsible for all childcare drop offs and pick ups which contributed to resentment even more.

I do think on here people are quick to say ‘leave your husband’, but some people do not want to share time with their children & practically that isn’t always the best option. To some extent I see it as the option I chose and why should my children pay the price for that by being split between 2 homes.

Some steps I took to move past this phase:

1. Accept that the young child phase is naturally more where my strengths lie - DH will probably come into his own more as the DC get older & are more independent- that is okay, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him, we just have different skill sets for dealing with children. Also accept that this allows me space to build a really strong bond with my children as they know they can really count on me.

2. Hand over some jobs to DH and then remove yourself entirely from those tasks. E.g. bath time - let him do this and do not go up to ‘check on him’ or make sure he’s doing it the way you would. I have realised I was quietly judging the way my DH did these things because he wasn’t doing them the way I would, but once I accepted that and let him get on with it I realised it was still fine. He got them done, just not the way I would.

3. more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.

4. Try to reconnect with your DH and remind yourself why you actually liked him in the first place. Even if that is just having a no phones evening on the sofa once a week or putting your child in childcare for a day & taking a day of annual leave to spend together. It will remind you that you aren’t actually working against each other, you’re on the same team and it’s both of you learning how to manage the new responsibilities in a way the works for you.

Sorry that is long & may not be helpful to you, but it is some of the things that helped me x

I have also been in this exact situation, however we had 2 small children & DH worked away for extended periods. We argued immensely when back together as I felt he didn’t do his ‘fair share’ of childcare / still was able to do normal things like shower / go to the gym without feeling he had to ask permission (as I would do) and didn’t equally contribute to many (if any) household chores. I was also the main earner and responsible for all childcare drop offs and pick ups which contributed to resentment even more.

I do think on here people are quick to say ‘leave your husband’, but some people do not want to share time with their children & practically that isn’t always the best option. To some extent I see it as the option I chose and why should my children pay the price for that by being split between 2 homes.

Some steps I took to move past this phase:

1. Accept that the young child phase is naturally more where my strengths lie - DH will probably come into his own more as the DC get older & are more independent- that is okay, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him, we just have different skill sets for dealing with children. Also accept that this allows me space to build a really strong bond with my children as they know they can really count on me.

2. Hand over some jobs to DH and then remove yourself entirely from those tasks. E.g. bath time - let him do this and do not go up to ‘check on him’ or make sure he’s doing it the way you would. I have realised I was quietly judging the way my DH did these things because he wasn’t doing them the way I would, but once I accepted that and let him get on with it I realised it was still fine. He got them done, just not the way I would.

3. more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.

4. Try to reconnect with your DH and remind yourself why you actually liked him in the first place. Even if that is just having a no phones evening on the sofa once a week or putting your child in childcare for a day & taking a day of annual leave to spend together. It will remind you that you aren’t actually working against each other, you’re on the same team and it’s both of you learning how to manage the new responsibilities in a way the works for you.

Sorry that is long & may not be helpful to you, but it is some of the things that helped me x

I despair too. It’s perfectly acceptable for women to feel lost and not naturally good at parenting at first, but completely unacceptable for men not to know how to cope with becoming a parent. 🙄

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

You have a nanny, so presumably there's not much for either of you to do ?

I despair... First response trots out the old line of 'oh, the poor men can't help it that they aren't good with babies'. Yes, they can help it. It takes a little research and willpower.

If my late husband had been rubbish with our DC1 I wouldn't have had a second either. But back then, he was bloody great and fully stepped up.

My ex was like this. As time went on his minimum effort got lower and lower and, like boiling a frog, my tolerance for it got higher and higher. Eventually (many many years later) he left and for me it was like taking off a tight pair of shoes.

I had to spend so much time and energy not bruising his ego by asking if the bins had been put out, or the dogs had been walked, or any one of the other myriad things he would say "leave it to me" over, that when he finally left being able to just do it instead of carrying the mental load of knowing it needed to be done, but knowing it hadn't, was such a relief.

He was like that with our children too. The good time dad. Never there for the hard work, or the boring bits, or the bits you needed infinite patience for, but always around for the fun parts where he would be congratulated by his whole family for being such a good dad.

Then he left and the kids chose me.. unequivocally. They said I was the one who was there for them. I was the one who helped them. I was the one they loved and needed. I was the one they knew.

Now, he sees his children when he organises it and they have time or inclination. They are polite and friendly to him, and they have a laugh but they are like "blokes down the pub" not his children.

Bear with his parenting because he doesn't realise that he's emotionally investing and there won't be rewards down the line. I'm not sure putting up with everything else is worth it. Just look at my username. That's how I felt for the longest time. The longer you leave it the harder it gets.. bear that in mind, and ask yourself what is he actually bringing to the party?

You are stonger than you know and you and your child may well be happier and more successful without a growth sapping your strength, confidence, and mental energy.

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).