One parent working in this climate - possible?

@Han86 I went to HLTA'ing after my last mat leave for a bit. The school definitely took advantage of me as an experienced qualified teacher and I ended up teaching full classes when teachers were off ill (but on HLTA pay). I was supposed to be there as a 1-1 SEN support!

£2.2k a month (you say you earn £30k/ year) will be quite tight, even if you live in a cheap area with low housing costs. Bills and food costs seem to be going up and up at the moment - can you afford a 5% increase in council tax every year, for example? You say you’ve got a fixed mortgage deal for the next five years and don’t have any large purchases (I assume you mean like a car) planned in the next few years. However, what happens if you need to replace the boiler/ pay for essential works to the house like roof repairs/ costly car repairs - can you fund those kind of emergencies on that income?

Our household income is £60k (low for Mumsnet!), and though we live in a city with high house prices, we are fairly comfortable at the moment and can pay for DD’s activities and have occasional days out/ coffees/ meals out without worrying about breaking the bank. We have one DD, low childcare costs as she is 10, and don’t have expensive hobbies or buy designer clothes. However, DH is being made redundant in a couple of months and I know that living on my income only (which is a bit lower than yours - £28k/year) will be very tight for us. I wouldn’t like to do it for a long period of time.

In our area, we'd need one salary of at least £75k to live the way we currently do but that would be tight. Probably closer to £100k to be comfortable. Plenty of families manage on much less though.

You also need to take into consideration that if one partner earns over the threshold you won't be getting child benefit, and also won't be accruing a pension.

To add to this, are there many SAHDs where you live @Wherethewildthingsar ? My DH took shared parental leave after my maternity leave, then worked compressed hours so he was at home with our DD one day a week until she went to school. He was often the only dad at baby groups/ toddler groups/ library rhyme time etc. He was fine as it was only a couple of months at home, then one day a week, but I think it could have been very isolating if he was a full time SAHD.

Also, I realised that during his time at home he wasn’t automatically picking up the minor household tasks (like laundry) that I would have done on my days at home with DD (and he does normally do his share of household chores and childcare, more so than many other men I read about on here!). As it was only a short period, it didn’t bother me that much, especially as he’d do things if I asked. However, if he was a SAHD permanently, that would have been annoying. Think about how you’ll feel if you’re working full time and still have to do the vast majority of the housework, cooking etc.

It’s not safe for either of you to give up work unless married, if the relationship breaks down the one with no career is in big trouble

We manage on 45k after tax in the south 1 hr from London. Not really a choice rather than needs must as we couldn't afford or find the 1to1 childcare my child with additional needs would need, I'd actually be paying to go to work.

It's a very frugal lifestyle and we sacrifice Lots. We've never been on a abroad holiday and holidays we do are very cheap. It wouldn't be for everyone but it can be done. You do need to be a team though and thoroughly talk about expectations and money beforehand. It can make you very vunerable on the other person financially and change dynamics.

I’m a SAHP, though we have a very different financial situation to you and my children are now at school. Yes, it helps my DH that I’m at home - he doesn’t have to work around sick days, sports day, dentist trips or buying the kids a Tudor costume on 24 hours notice because I do it. He comes home to dinner on the table 90% of the time. We have nice weekends because all the housework is done by me in the week. I love it and have no regrets. What I would say is that there’s more to it than just money though.

Is your DH suited to it personality wise- I don’t mean does he enjoy the kids on weekends, I mean is he ok with day in day out thankless invisible drudgery of laundry and cleaning and endless trips to playgrounds in the rain? Does he enjoy spending hours playing pretend tea parties and train sets and making play doh into animals? A lot of SAHP life, especially with preschool age kids, is frankly boring and lonely - and I say that as someone with a decent circle of SAHM friends who I saw most days. Will he have other SAHP to do things with? Will he have friends to do things with away from the kids once he doesn’t have colleagues and will he make the effort to see them?

I know some very happy SAHPs, but I know a few who were miserable and at least one who ended up with serious mental health issues. Plenty of great parents find SAH life miserable - it’s not for everyone.

Dh was on around £100k. He's now on £130k plus and I just work PT now for since the kids have grown up.

I couldn’t make it work on that. On the plus side though, if your DH doesn’t have a career as such, it would probably be easier to go in and out of the job market or pick up some temporary work and your kids are at an age where the biggest expenses are childcare. On that wage I don’t think you’re in long-term sahp territory through. It is a luxury to have someone not working especially once the children are at school.

Op if you can definitely make it work on that salary then I would do it because it was the best outcome for our family when we did it. We only did this knowing DP was then a high earner and I could fall back on my career if anything went wrong as nothing is guaranteed.

What I will say is anyone I know doing it or that did it their partner often the husband was on 100k plus work perhaps a business on the side too which gave them dividends.

I didn’t have things handed to me on a plate either.

But we now have a more serious CoL issue where the reality is that young people cannot afford the same things even if they work through studying etc.

A very basic example is that I was able to pay for my own uni accommodation and living costs because my maintenance loan covered it, and through working. My understand now is that due to rising costs, maintenance loans don’t even cover accommodation, let alone anything else. So it’s not about handing out things on a plate, it’s about being realistic that they will need a lot of financial support.

We could if I worked full time and DH stayed at home, my wage would be circa 100k and likely to climb in the next few years… but it’s not just the net money at the end of the month to consider but things like job security, pension contributions, one’s own sanity! As it is we both work part time, joint income is probably about £120k and I realise we are extremely fortunate to be in this position.

@VenusClapTrap I think pension contributions for the SAHP are a 'nice to have', like savings rather than essential - they will receive NI credits whilst they are on child benefit.

On the salary the OP is talking about I don't think there is room for it.

Depends on school. As a TA (and a qualified teacher) I have only ever covered for a teacher once when they asked me so they could go view another school (they were on a fixed term contract). The only negative in my school is being moved around to support 1:1 children which is hard as we have quite a few who are not able to access the classroom, are non verbal, can be physical (bite, hit, kick) so if you are moved to cover someone with one of these children it can be a long and challenging day.

Don’t forget pension contributions. We have become more aware and obsessed with this as we’ve got older! Do not neglect them. It’s easy to ‘park’ that thought when the dc are little as not a pressing priority, but it’s essential they are part of your financial planning and if one of you isn’t working, the other needs to cover it.

I mainly stayed at home from having my first baby till my youngest started preschool. I did do casual work in the evenings and weekends, just to make me feel a bit more connected to the adult world and for a little bit of money.

I now work pt and only earn a little. I'd say we're pretty comfortable. Dh earns more than me but is not what I would call a high earner for the area we live in (near London). We don't have endless funds and we only have a small house, but we could have that paid off tomorrow if we had to, due to dh being quite good with savings and investments in the past.

I do think it's doable. I didn't choose to stay at home, (my office closed down when I was on mat leave and we were all made redundant), but in hindsight I think it was good for us. We don't have any family help whatsoever, so kids would've been in ft nursery from very young which would've been expensive and possibly not the best option for at least one of my kids.

I would advise against becoming a TA currently. The pay is horrific and more and more is being put upon you. TAs now often expected to teach / cover full classes etc.

If your going to do it, then now is the time. But just be aware that it gets harder as they get older and also all the funding cuts makes things harder too to fill a day for the stay at home parent - lots of playgroups I took my children to when they were little no longer happen, we had a pass for soft play which has now closed down, the library used to do multiple events but now barely do any apart from bounce and rhyme for little ones (which I see they are also advertising for volunteers so is probably at risk of not happening too), the local cafe with a little play area shut down, so did another one that opened after.
So in your budget you need to think realistically what your husband would be doing with the nursery aged child and whether they would get bored (the parent) of a day solo with no adult interaction.

I was a SAHM when DH was earning between 80-100k. We live in the south, so not the cheapest. We were comfortable though, nice house, two cars and a couple of (usually UK) holidays a year.

I think you’re stretching £2,200 quite far tonne honest. It’s not just making ends meet monthly, are you able to save on that whether it be for birthdays, annual costs or having a safety net for when the fridge breaks down. I’d also not underestimate being able to grab a coffee or buy ice cream on a day out - life can be pretty miserable when you’re counting the pennies. Do you have decent sick pay at work if you were to fall ill? There’s very little give and you’d be relying on one income without a lot of capacity to save.

When my kids were younger having a part time job that was very flexible made life easier but I wouldn’t have stopped working entirely. What about your DHs pension? Will he claim child benefit to get his NI contribution? Would you be topping up a private pension for him? You’re both in a vulnerable position of your relationship breaks down - him because he has no income, you because he’s the primary carer for your kids. No one wants to think about it, but relationships can end.

It’s a nice luxury to have, although obviously it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. If it’s only borderline financially viable then there will be a lot of pressure. You both have to be 100% on board and have the same attitude to saving/spending.

It’s worked for us largely because there is enough money for us not to have to make any sacrifices. We’re far from superyachts-and-private-jets levels of rich, but we’re well off enough to privately educate the dc, have a lovely standard of living and not to be affected by COL.

Me taking on all the mental load of the child rearing, being able to go to all the school things, pick up sick children within ten minutes, manage tradespeople and house maintenance etc has freed Dh to focus his mental energy on his company, work crazy hours and to travel as necessary, which he fully and vocally appreciates.

That’s not to say he never sees us or doesn’t participate - he’s actually very hands on. When the dc were little and then at primary school, he stopped work at teatime to cook for us all, spent the evening with us, bath time/bedtime etc and then the laptop would come out again and he’d work till midnight.

We have always been completely supportive of each other’s roles, which is key, but the bottom line is that there is more than enough money to oil the wheels.

We managed it on a more modest salary because we bought our house with a deposit just under 50% which means our mortgage payments are manageable. Neither of us have expensive tastes and there were plenty of free or very cheap activities for preschoolers available locally.

So many variables - the income of the person, the outgoings, the number of children, the cost and availability of childcare and/or family help, the expectations of individuals, the relationship itself and its stability, the career type - how harmful will it be to take a break.

When I did it for a while it meant:

No car
No holidays
Minimal discretionary spending - second hand clothes and toys, gifts were activities/outings

Damage to my career
Becoming default parent, elder carer, house cleaner, cook, gift organiser
Stress and boredom at times (like all work)

It was worth it though - so many great memories of when my children were small (well videos/photos because I can't actually remember)