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Original poster

To distance myself from a friend when she needs me

84 replies

LilacHedgehog123 · 27/10/2025 11:40

Wondering if I should suck it up...
I have a friend of 20 years and everything she does at the moment is annoying me. I have tried to pinpoint the top things that have annoyed me recently:

  1. I used to pick up her son from school once a week (I have 2 kids in the same school and I work part-time, she works full time). I did this for 2 school years. I fed him dinner, entertained him and occasionally took him and my 2 kids out for ice cream or a milkshake, I even bought him a book from the book fair as it was there on a day I was picking him up and I didn't want him to be left out. It was hard work when the weather was bad, walking the mile home in the rain up a big hill while feeding the 3 of them snacks but I did it and didn't complain. She'd always say thank you but I feel like she never fully appreciated the time and effort. If I met up with her, she'd never offer to pay the parking or occasionally buy me a coffee as an acknowledgement of me being out of pocket looking after her son, it was always split down the middle.
  2. For her 40th, I organised a fun thing for us to do with some friends, spent hours making her a photo book and get her a necklace with a personalised inscription. I went a bit OTT as it's a big birthday. For my 40th she admitted she shouted to her husband 5 mins before leaving to meet me for a drink "what can I get for her 40th?" and he found gig tickets online (for a tenner), bought them and printed them out. No time spent, no thought, just rushed.
  3. She's had a lot of heartache over the years trying for a second baby. I always check in, I took an afternoon off work to walk around town with her one day when she was struggling mentally, when she had a miscarriage I was checking in daily, ringing, texting, coming over to be a shoulder to cry on. When my uncle died recently I told her I left work early as I couldn't stop crying. She sent a generic "Sorry to hear that, let me know if there's anything I can do" text and that was it. I then sent a photo from the funeral as it was abroad and done very differently to here and I just got a heart emoji back. No checking in, Nothing.
  4. There are other small things but I'm not going to list everything.

I have found that I'm distancing myself from her recently and I feel bad about it as she's about to start IVF and will likely need me (and more childcare) over the next year. Should I suck it up for now and be there for her? She has a few other friends but no close family other that hubbie. It just feels so false.

What would you do? Am I being unreasonable (and selfish!)?

OP posts:
JLou08 · 27/10/2025 12:07

Have you ever worked full time as a parent? I did it for a few years in a really stressful job and was probably like your friend. Life was hectic and I didn't have much time for putting the same thought into things like I do now I'm part time. I'd maybe cut her some slack if you enjoy her company.

IsawwhatIsaw · 27/10/2025 12:05

It’s unbalanced in terms of the help you give her.
I’d feel used frankly. Favours become expectations and entitlement.

Kingoftheroad · 27/10/2025 12:04

No she’s a user, you are not responsible for her happiness. She obviously lacks emotional intelligence. Bin her off.

boymamahere · 27/10/2025 12:01

You are giving her more than she is giving you and that is of course the reason for the resentment you are feeling.

You are giving her more and beyond when she needs you, but when she needs you she is giving you bare minimum (or, all she can give)

My advice if you want to keep the friendship is meet her where she meets you.

You are doing too much for her and she isn’t going to or able to give you that same back.

You can be there for a friend without being her childcare and therapist.

Step back a bit and focus on your own life.

JustReacher · 27/10/2025 11:59

She's not your friend, ditch her.

HoskinsChoice · 27/10/2025 11:58

Agree on the differing styles of communication with other posters but she certainly saw you coming on the childcare front. I'd draw that line very firmly the minute there's even a hint of you doing childcare. You are saving her a small fortune, the very least she could do is a bit of basic gratitude.

Lasecretaire · 27/10/2025 11:54

You sound like you have different communication and love language styles. She doesn't necessarily sound like a CF but it also sounds like you have never directly asked her to do something for you. IE let me know what I can do when your uncle died. Actually can you take the kids to the cinema this weekend so I can have a breath. I would try a different approach before ghosting. (Also why do you need to do 'more childcare' because she's having IVF - no, you don't, you don't want to do don't. )

StokePotteries · 27/10/2025 11:48

She's used you for years. Don't feel guilty. And stop doing things for other people that make you feel undervalued. You have to place value on your own time and efforts. If you don't, others take advantage.

Sirzy · 27/10/2025 11:45

You can distance from someone for any reason.

It just sounds like you both have different approaches to some thing though. Doesn’t make either right or wrong.