To distance myself from a friend when she needs me

I don't get why the people at the beginning of this thread were saying things like - neither is wrong, different communication styles. The difference was you gave and she took.

I don't believe that friendships should be transactional but you have proved to be a good friend and when you let her know that you were sad and grieving your relative she couldn't even send a bunch of flowers or offer to take your child so you could have some quiet time.

Step back. Have some standard 'no' replies ready for the childcare ambush.

She is a cheeky fucker.
All the childcare, feeding her son etc that you've done and she can't even buy you a coffee or pay for parking, that's not on. You are not working part time so as to give your time, energy and money to her so I'd be backing off from the childcare and definitely not take on any more.

But it's not up the OP to pick up her slack. Working full time doesn't stop her buying coffees as a thank you for free childcare for 2 years or making sure her child has money for a book at the book fair.

It sounds very much just though the gifts you offer people - where they are actual gifts or your time and energy - come with mental strings attached rather than ribbons.

Maybe try to figure out why this is and stop burdening other people with the weight of your unmet and unexpressed expectations.

Please don't take this the wrong way (I can see you are upset and understand why). But I do think there is a false assumption in this post, and I would like to flag it as hopefully it will make you feel better to see if.

You assume that because she would need you to tell her how to support you, that means she doesn't actually care for you.

That doesn't follow at all.

If she didn't care for you she would have no interest in supporting you full stop.

It seems that this woman DOES want to support you, she just needs you to tell her how to do it. She cares, she just isn't a natural empath.

You sound quite like me - I give and give in friendships/relationships - I pride myself on my open and loving heart. It's the thing I like most about myself.

But at the same time, if others don't give the same back, in the end I start to resent it and it does turn me against them a bit.

It's something I really want to work on. I want to keep giving, but also accept that others have different priorities, and show their love differently.

I really want to accept that we are all different, with different strengths, and that the way I am in frridnships isn't the only right way to be. But sometimes it's difficult.

Your posts sound like things I could have written myself, so perhaps you are a bit the same.

She may be wanting more childcare, but doesn’t mean you have to give it. It’s not your responsibility to solve her problems, and working part-time diesn’t give people free access to your time.

In the past , your were willing to help a friend, and you both fell in the trap of her assuming your help, and you giving it (thus entitling her in this situation). However, now you’ve taken a step back, you no longer want to continue with this arrangement.

Don’t be so readily available and be willing to say no. if you’re not working, that’s your time, and not up to her to decide you’re free to look after her children.

I'd say your friend is likely a bit selfish or maybe just doesn't reflect on things as much as some. However, on the flipside there are defo people who tend to go a bit OTT with things and the expect reciprocation (which probs isn't the case here).

I had a friend who'd go bonkers at xmas and buy everybody a £50 present. Generally, none of us really did xmas gifts and probs didn't spend this much on birthdays - maybe a £20 gift and we'd meet for a meal or drinks. We all went along with it for a year or two but eventually had to have a polite word as it would've meant spending hundreds on gifts every year and friend would've been most annoyed if we'd not all reciprocated.

I worked full time as a single parent. If a friend had picked my child up one day a week for two years and fed them dinner and treated them occasionally if they went out, I would have been incredibly grateful and would certainly had offered to treat this friend if we met for coffee or lunch.

OP's friend seems to have taken all OP's help and support for granted.

I think people have different strengths and some people find it hard and awkward when there is an emotional situation with no obvious solution. Some people don't do well well with just acknowledging how hard it all is, unless they can see a role for them in making it better.

It sounds like you don't need your friend in the same way as she needs you, but you're still frustrated that she's not reciprocating, even though you wouldn't need to accept it?

Friendship isn't always equal. It can't be.

What has that got to do with not appreciating the help that op gives her? Ive worked full and part time over the years and it really doesn't take a minute to value someone even if you can't show it all the time due to being too busy.

I think your a bit ott

If you didnt want to pick her child up then say so. If you wanted money for a book you brought or milkshake then you should have asked her.

She got you a present for your 40th so what she didnt spend hours on a present (frankly id rather pluck my eyeballs out than make personalised gifts)

You told her you were upset about your uncle she sent you a message back inviting you to tell her what you needed - yet you didnt and you viewed it as generic!!

You sent her a photo from funeral - how on earth do you reply to a message like that? Im guessing your friend was in same dilemma. Again you could have expressed what you needed from her

Lots of this seems to be you expecting something from her but not actually verbalising what you need. Then being disappointed by her response

This friendship is unbalanced and unfair to you. I've just fizzled out of one friendship similar to yours. I kept it going for a long while even though it was clear, I was making more effort. But it made me feel sad as it was obvious I was being used. My efforts were never matched. I'd ring her, visit, give gifts to her and her son.

When her son had an operation I popped over there with a gift basket of ice cream and drinks. I'd drop off birthday and Christmas presents. My mum died, nothing (No chats/card etc). I became my father's carer, nothing. My youngest ended up in hospital, nothing. I had an operation, nothing. My recent birthday, she left a present 6 weeks later behind my bin when I was in! It tipped me over the edge and I haven't spoken to her since. I deserve better friends than that, and so do you.

My suggestion is to make yourself unavailable. If she asks for help with childcare just say, I'm sorry I can't because I'm working more hours now. Leave it at that. Don't allow her to use you again.

I think a lot of this is on you, you need to work out what you want to do and then do it. Also, if you want to be reimbursed for for or snacks then ask. It’s the same when your uncle died, she said do you want anything and you could have easily said that you would like a little support. She should be really grateful for you helping her but she might not think you mind.

You need to work out why you race to help people so much. Do you want to be seen as a helpful kind person? I’m a helpful person but I am happy to say no to things too. I think it’s makes it really easy for my pals to ask as for favours as they know I will only say yes if I mean it.

I think you are being unfair on her by being mad at her without having at least talked to her about what you would like. If she knows you are resentful then she might probably prefer it that you don’t help out.

It’s not your job to support her life choices, to your own detriment.

But why would it be worse for her to think you’re a rubbish friend for not doing childcare than for you to think she’s a rubbish friend for taking your help with childcare for granted, not making an equivalent effort for your 40th, not checking in as you’d like when you were grieving etc?

I mean, you think she’s a rubbish friend to the point where you’ve already begun distancing yourself from her, and are posting lists of things she’s doing or not doing that make you resent her on the internet, OP. If you go on as you are, afraid to say no, the friendship will end anyway, because you find her lacking in reciprocity and you resent the one-sidedness. Isn’t it worth thinking that your feelings are important too, and that if you don’t start saying no to things you don’t want to do, that you’ll end up in the same situation, with a dead friendship?

I had a friend exactly like this who constantly offloaded her problems onto me but was completely dismissive of mine. I quietly dropped her when she got engaged, as the thought of 18 months of incessant wedding planning chat filled me with horror and I just couldn’t face it.

I don't know if this is any help, but I'll recount my own experience. I had a close friend who was very needy and vulnerable, and I put a lot of time and effort into supporting her, mostly very willingly.

Then I hit a bad patch, and instead of being any support to me she clearly resented that I was not able to go on looking after her, and hurt me very badly in the process.

Someone I talked to about this suggested that I had unconsciously assumed that we had a mutual relationship, where support would flow both ways as needed, but in truth that was not and never had been the case. I had to recognise that, and work out what relationship could be in the future.

Best wishes as you work things out.

adding to my comment, your friend isn’t “having” to pay 15 grand out for IVF her and her partner are choosing to. That’s their choice to make and not one for you to get involved in and feel like you need to give free childcare.

Next you will be saying you need to offer childcare because your friend has two kids and no support… only you can make a change in your choices and start putting boundaries in

You need to change your mindset and realise that you are responsible for your life and your friend is responsible for hers.

Stop doing childcare for free. Ask her if she will take your child and feed him every Saturday morning in exchange. If she won’t then just stop doing it.

Do you think she would be your friend if you weren’t about to help?

Do you feel like she resents you, or is envious of what you have?

I agree with previous posters who've said that it's time that you said "no". If you're not involved in the decisions she's making, then you're not involved with the consequences. You can tell her now that she shouldn't make any decisions that rely on you providing childcare as you can't commit to that. You don't need to explain why.

Regarding your working pattern - we live in a capitalist society where workers exchange their time for employer's money. You have decided to have less money and more time because it suits your family. It's not in your children's best interests to commit to looking after another child unless the financial reward of doing so makes it worthwhile. So put your own family first. Your friend has been extremely lucky to have you bending around her wants until now. Think of the example you're seeing your own children. Seeing mum as a martyr - is this how you'd want them to behave in a friendship? Or do you want to model relationships based on mutual respect?

You currently feel uncomfortable because you know the relationship isn't in balance. Only you can make the changes. Ironically, she would probably have more respect for you if you do stand up for yourself.