To distance myself from a friend when she needs me

You can distance yourself from anyone for any reason. But finding walking an extra child home “hard work” is pushing it a bit!

Oh, I agree. Sometimes I even irritate myself with my people pleasing, let alone anyone else. That's why I decided to work on it.

It's about balance, of course, like everything, because I still think kindness is important, and I will never not think that.

And it's the work of a lifetime to understand who you are and why you do the things you do, let alone to then adjust them to make your own life (and the lives of others) easier.

But I have certainly tried to stop helping people more than they actually want me to, because I can well imagine how fucking annoying it can be.....

It doesn’t feel balanced so yes I would distance yourself and make yourself much less available.

This is why I don't do close friends. Your lives diverge & before you can say Jack Robinson, one of you is saying 'waaah! I'm doing everything!' Stick to acquaintances, pay people for childcare unless you can come to a one for one agreement or something equally sensible & stuff like birthdays? I would die of embarrassment if someone not a blood relation made a huge fuss for me - surely a card & a nice box of chocs is sufficient? Back off from this friend; you don't see life in the same way.

Dont do that, Miscarriage is devastating but you dont know the upset losing a long term family member might also cause and its not a competition, you can still suppprt someone who has might I add really been there for you.

I get you OP - I've had this too. But miscarriage v uncle dying is different. I think you are hurt cos you feel like you love her more/put more effort in/are taken for granted. I think tell her - give her one chance to know and make it right - before distancing. It worked for me and brought us closer and at least you tried

Danielle bayard jackson has good phrases to do this

Stop saying yes to the childcare. Stop buying OTT presents. Don’t be so available and wait for her to reach out to you. Then you will have real sense of if she is a friend or not.
Being someone’s unpaid nanny isn’t being a good friend. It’s people pleasing.

I have a friend who doesn't work and puts huge amounts of effort into gifts and meals. Her dh earns a high salary, mine does not. We live on different planets really. She has no understanding of why i'm chaotic at times. Like it's some sort of fault in me. I'm just exhausted a lot of the time.

She finds me lacking i guess. I find her over the top at times. Like she'll put a chocolate on your pillow or send you a card saying how she's looking forward to you coming for dinner. In all honesty i wish she wouldn't. It's as though she needs her friends to validate her by doing these things. Why can't we just enjoy a meal or a walk or something without all the twee stuff.

Doesn't she reimburse you for the money you spent buying ice cream/book for her DC ? Is her dc friend with your DC?
If not l would pull back as the relationship seems a bit one sided.

Hi op your not being unreasonable or selfish your friend sounds like she’s not as invested as you tbh. Maybe try not volunteer your services all the time. If you didn’t text, call would you still hear from her or do you have to be the one that reaches out all the time. It isn’t your responsibility to offer child care because she chooses to work full time when you have children you choose what’s best for you and your children and it’s not your fault she’s having to pay for ivf. I think you need to be more like her and put yourself first.

But, @tragichero , if you read what @tupils has said about being on the receiving end, you’re coming perilously close to placing an unrequested burden of obligation on the recipient as well as your subsequent resentment

I’m reading people saying that she has used you for years. I don’t think so. I think this is a case that you are very empathetic and do a great deal for those you care about. Your thinking ahead about her coming IVF journey and lack of support is an example.

for her, she may not have the bandwidth to think about other as you do if she is stressed balancing full time work, child, home, fertility etc. people with problems tend to appear similar to your friend as they can pretty much only focus on getting through each day.

which may be the case for your friend. She does not do things to the level you do for others. That does not mean she is using you, is not your friend nor that she does not care about you.

is she the right friend for you? Not likely. She’s probably better as an acquaintance for you. Park her there. Set yourself some boundaries. Don’t volunteer help. Learn to say no, say if something doesn’t work for you. Don’t feel guilty.

ah ok so not walking and snacking - that sounds like a great tactic to get them moving!!

I didn't mention - sorry, that wasn't lovely of me - that you do sound like a lovely and empathetic friend. Which is why you feel bad for feeling resentful, iYSWIM?

So don't worry about it over much, work on your boundaries, and maybe see if you can go out for coffee or something with your friend to have a good chinwag about anything other than children? (and don't let her dominate the conversation, and don't jump in and offer childcare)

tbh, unless i know the uncle had been a father figure in someones life i would also just send a condolence message. And if i say "let me know if there is anything i can do" and they don't ask for anything, i assume they are fine.

Your friend is not a mind reader. And nor are you. If she has "hinted at childcare" before, have you jumped in and offered before she asks? For her that is "oh Lilac is lovely, and i can now tick off 'find childcare' off my list". In future, if she hints but doesn't overtly ask: don't offer. She will have to look elsewhere, it is not your problem. And if she does ask and it is going to add to your (IMO unwarranted) seething resentment, say "no"

(i think the resentment is unwarranted because of your own lack of boundaries, you should be more cross with her than with yourself)

Lately she’s been hinting about childcare again (she’s going abroad for IVF), her husband works full-time, and her other friends don’t have flexible schedules. I work part-time by choice and earn less, but I’m happy with that trade-off. Still, because I’m more available, she often leans on me for school pick-ups or half-term help.

it sounds as though you need to practice saying "no" or "sorry, no" if you feel taken advantage of. It is not her fault you don't ask her because your support network is closer. In those terms, you are her support network.

So just be clear, if she asks you say "sorry, no" if you don't want to do it.

(i am intrigued why you had to walk a mile feeding snacks to children - what is this obsession with snacks? if you need to give them a bit of a snack at hometime, eat the snack, walk home)

You just need to do a lot less for her. Then it could feel more even

I see what you’re saying, but it’s a transactional way of looking at things and if it’s a true favour and kindness, it shouldn’t need repaying like that?

Agree with PP who have said that the issue is you going over the top.
I am somewhat on the other end of this. I have a friend who insists on spending hours and hours on hand-made gifts made with expensive materials for me on my birthday and at Christmas.
She has been visibly put out when I have given her a normal shop-bought gift. Dropped lots of massive hints that she values ‘time and thoughtfulness’ when it comes to gifts. I don’t have hours to spend hand-making her a birthday gift, and even if I did, I am not a crafty person and it would suck!
I feel huge pressure every time her birthday and Christmas comes round because I feel that I can never live up to her expectations and often delay seeing her so that I can panic-bake something. It’s a stressful way to be a friend.

I would make excuses for the childcare “cant today we have an appointment to get too.” And just keep making up excuses. Then decide if you really want her in your life, it all very much sounds about herself.

Yes, I agree.

Just on the childcare alone, if a friend collected my child weekly for a year (did I read that right?) that would be “have friend’s child for a sleepover every holiday and half term” / very large Fortnum’s hamper at xmas time / generous birthday gift territory. That’s an enormous help and it looks like it has barely been acknowledged.