To find it almost impossible to move from being friendly with people to being friends?

I used to be an “organiser” and was integral in setting up a sports club, volunteered to be class rep when DC started school etc. I would always message the whole year group WhatApp and be super inclusive.

It got me nowhere socially. I’ve stepped right back and have since focussed my efforts on specific people I like / connect with. Still very much a work in progress but things are slowly improving.

This is such a great point.

This is very interesting. I am definitely out of sight out of mind and probably a bit transactional - if I text someone it’s usually to arrange to see them or to ask them a question rather than just “ how’s things”.

I'm the same op, friendly with everyone at work, all DDs friend's parents, chat happily to anyone but no idea how to make friends, the sort I'll still have when DD grows up. DH and I have a friendship group (mainly DHs old friends) but they all live all over now so not handy for coffee dates etc.

Oh gosh this sounds like me to a T. I struggle a lot in groups especially if it's in a group more than 4 people. I just get 'lost' in it. I do have a couple of close friends but if it's a new group it can be a struggle.

Women are often diagnosed later than men with autism/ADHD, etc.
This test was used as part of my autism assessment to collect more evidence, but it was very very eye opening as to what traits I had.

https://embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/

Sorry to hear of your struggles. I'm similar in the sense that I can never seem to make friends. I've always tried to make small talk at play groups/sessions etc but it never leads anywhere. I do actually have a "best friend" that I see fairly often but she has many other friends that she sees regularly and is a social butterfly. If I'm not seeing her, I don't see anyone. Plus we only became friends through our partners at the time so it wasn't someone I found on my own.

I'm fairly settled with my own company and do keep busy with family stuff and work, so often think maybe I don't have time for a friend. I must admit though, it would be nice to have a friend I've made all on my own that isn't hard work and someone to have a laugh with and hang out.

I joined some online apps (similar to dating but for friends) and didn't get far. Why is it so difficult, especially as so many people seem to be in the same boat. How do we find each other? 😂

I can relate to this, so painfully. It's like everyone else seems to have this innate ability to connect and I have no clue how they go about it. It's troubled me for as long as I can remember and no amount of clubs etc has made a jot of difference.

Turns out I'm autistic and so this is likely the reason for me.

@RessicaJabbit do you live somewhere quite small/rural?

From the way you're describing it it sounds very much a small town vibe. Often in quite close-knit places friendships take decades to bed in and people are very reluctant to admit newcomers. Do you think there's some of that going on?

Its really hard isnt it. Im 50s. My kids older. People dont put efforts in now. I tried the usual hobbies etc. Meet a mam through girls sport but again that took years to get going! Friend fizzled after 20yrs but a difficult time in her life but trust for me is gone now so would not go back to her. Friendships are such hard work now) i just give up i think

@Thepeopleversuswork has a lot of good advice.
You sound like an organiser OP. The fact that you've founded a group that is still running is great! People may be assuming that you're very together and have loads of friends because of this.
Sometimes people form groups because they want all the glory/ the friends for doing it. It doesn't read to me that this is true in your case, you sound lovely and you're being proactive.

However I was part of a group where the founding member once had a rant to me about how we were not appreciative to her having set up the group and all her efforts to keep it running. They expected ongoing praise and adulation for their efforts. Some of their behaviour suddenly made a lot of sense and it was very off putting.

I think it is incredibly difficult to make friends as others have said as an Adult . I have worked in places where I wasn’t part of the main social group but did manage to befriend a few others that did similar jobs to me .
I did always try to go to any social events I was invited to and was reasonably sociable . I was very shy growing up - so alcohol helped to break the ice for me .
i think school mums can be very difficult to befriend . I found that even at nursery stage some of them had known each other since the baby groups and were quite cliquey . I was lucky I had a friend at the same school .
For younger DC I clicked with some of the Mums , so it was slightly easier .

Is there any way that you can help out / join a committee/ parent council and try and chat to people there ? Or even if you don’t want to do that volunteer at events - Christmas fair .
i have a friend who recently moved hundreds of miles away with her DH and I was amazed at how easily she has formed close friendships . She is by nature very bubbly and warm ( as is her whole family ) . She did really make an effort to join various events and was able to strike up a conversation with at least one person . She is also religious ( which I am not ) and made a lot of friends through her church .

Oh I’m so sorry really not sure how I can help. ❤️

if you have ADHD it’s hard to maintain friendships as you have to make small talk, remember to check in, initiate meeting up etc. Dues that sound like things you do?

@Pawridge

Thank you for explaining. This makes a lot of sense and motivates me to want to change.

Just to qualify my comments a bit: I'm not saying I don't like people who are kind, considerate or empathetic: I absolutely do. No one likes someone who is selfish or is a blowhard or a monologuer or a user.

It's more that instinctive sense you get from people that they are shaping themselves to fit what they think others want, which is really off-putting.

I've thought about this issue a lot over my lifetime. I have always had friends but know that I don't find it easy to make them the way others seem to. (Pre puberty they were just there, after puberty struck I realised I didn't know consciously how to make them!)

Part, if not all, of my issue is feeling people won't be interested in me (probably need psychoanalysis to find out why I feel that way!). If they are or if we "click", I'm fine. Otherwise I have to remind myself to be positive, upbeat and willing to make suggestions or give invites - and prepared for rejection, which is hard. Also it's not something I can sustain all the time, but it has worked for me when I've made the effort.

Definitely you can't seem needy or clingy. Or get too serious too quickly. But be willing to put yourself out a bit. I enjoy groups but prefer one to one. I see people who I meet only in a group as friends, but if we never meet one to one, I don't count them as close friends.

I've also met potential friends many times in my life which have fallen away due to circumstances; only some people truly last the distance. Makes me sad but I guess it's pretty common.

One thing I have noted though is being friendly with people in a particular situation - at work, school gate, shared interest group etc - never translates into real friendship unless you starting meeting outside that sphere.

Thank you for explaining. This makes a lot of sense and motivates me to want to change.

OP I totally get this. I never find my people. I have hundreds of acquaintances but nobody I can call up for a chat or even go for a coffee with. I spent years being the one to keep in touch because I kept reading someone has to make the effort and if not me then who? But
nobody makes the effort with me. I’ve studied, been to groups and classes, volunteered etc I even put on my own events that people have raved about and nothing from it. Not a single invite from any of those activities has been reciprocated or mine accepted.

I came to the conclusion I’m one of those invisible people. Absolutely nothing wrong with me, people like me but I never come to mind. I’m essentially invisible when I’m not in front of people. Like object impermanence but it’s people impermanence.

Are you standing there mute?

God, I don’t mean people’s private events. I mean when the mums she’s chatting to at the school gates say they’re going for a coffee (which was one of her examples). My point is mums meeting after drop off in the local shop isn’t usually an invite only event. It’s just whoever happens to be there. She probably seems disinterested.

@Pawridge

Why is someone being a people pleaser such a turn off, seemingly more so than other flaws?

I really struggle with people pleasers: they make me very uncomfortable. To answer your question as to why:

• They make people feel constantly beholden to them because they are so "giving" that you instinctively feel in debt to them
• They feel a bit fake, as you say: if someone constantly expresses huge admiration for you, hangs on your every word and bends over backwards to do things for you it feels as if they are not truly being themselves.
• As an extension of the previous point: I often feel that people pleasers store up perceived sleights and resentments, pretend not to mind them at the time and then explode when they've all built up which leaves everyone feeling confused and blindsided and a bit pissed off that something which was tolerated at the time has become a huge issue.
• Humans at some really instinctive level don't respect people who they perceive to be weaker than them: harsh but true. If someone is doing everything to ingratiate themselves with others they appear not to have any real conviction or self-esteem. Sadly the flip side of this is they often get exploited by much stronger people which diminishes them further.

@EuclidianGeometryFan

This is very true. The issue is that a lot of people expect to jump from the outer layer of the acquaintanceship circle to the inner core and go from 0 to 60. It actually takes years to get to these sorts of friendships (once you're over the age of about 12), so this is highly unrealistic.

True friendships of this sort are incredibly rare. Most people only have a half-dozen in their lifetime and they are much harder to make maintain when you have children, spouses and full time jobs. Not having many friendships like this doesn't make you weird or different, its actually very normal.

Often people who appear to have loads of friends are just very extrovert and good at socialising. It doesn't necessarily tell you anything about how many intimate friendships they have. The issue is that other people often appear to have closer friendships than they actually are, and if you feel lonely or isolated these relationships are bound to engender some degree of envy or a sense of being cut off.

I think a lot of people would do themselves a favour if they focused on just enjoying other people's company and taking it as it comes, rather than trying to force friendships when they aren't there.

I can no longer find the reply but earlier someone asked if OP is a people pleaser and I’d love to hear this thought expanded on.

I have the exact same problem and I am a people pleaser but I never considered that would be the reason. Last month I made an effort to rephrase my reply to someone who cancelled on me last minute. I was still polite but less “no worries at all I totally understand” than I may usually have been. Following that she was a lot warmer towards me and responded better than she does when I am nicer.

I am still a bit baffled and I’m beginning to suspect that for me this is indeed why people don’t bond as closely with me.

One thing that confuses me is that I see a lot of people who have quite obvious flaws (eg they’re always bitching behind peoples backs or they’re not very empathetic or they talk about themselves constantly) and they seem to have plenty of friends. Often their friends see their flaws but excuse it as just who the person is. As far as flaws go, isn’t a people pleaser one of the easier ones to deal with? Why is someone being a people pleaser such a turn off, seemingly more so than other flaws?

Is it that we come across as fake? Is it that there’s an emotional distance there?

I feel like I need a book on how to socialise like everyone else and it’s very embarrassing.

I have a similar experience, though I’m autistic. It makes it even harder as people seem to filter you out socially, even if you’re regularly seeing them and being friendly