To find it almost impossible to move from being friendly with people to being friends?

Perhaps the OP is coming across as a bit desperate to some of these school mums. School mums are notorious for their cliques. If you see that some of them are going to the park or a coffee why not just tag on? You dont need to be sepecifically invited to go and sit in a park or a coffee bar.

This happened to me several times at uni when I was a mature student and therefore quite a lot older than most of those on my undergrad course. We would go for a coffee and chat after a lecture or tutorial. I had my own flat and several times invited fellow students round for a meal but they always backed off. One actually said she "did not want to get too involved" as though I was planning to entice her into something dubious. I am a straight female so no ulterior motives other than friendship. Subsequently I began to socialise with the various lecturers whose subjects and interests fascinated me. One eventually became my Ph.D supervisor.

Looking back young people in the early 20s dont really want to socialise with someone the same age as their mum! It was probably nothing personal and just a generational thing. Whereas I was the same age range as most of the lecturers and always spoke to them as if we were equals.

Well, that sounds like a genuine achievement, but was that your intention when you started the group, to provide a friendship springboard for nerdy male boardgame players? It's just that in a previous post you note that they often befriend one another outside of the group, but not you -- and it sounded as though you would like to see them outside the regular meetings and are a bit hurt that this doesn't seem to occur to them?

Though it occurred to me that a group which has as its primary demographic people you describe as 'slightly nerdy guys' who have often never previously had any friends at all isn't going to necessarily think of friendships in the same way that people outside that demographic would. So maybe inviting you just isn't on their radar? Because they're not very practised at friendships or invitations?

The other thing that comes to mind is something that would never have occurred to me as an issue until I joined Mn, and discovered that sizeable numbers of people think male-female friendships are impossible/ that one person is always wanting to put the moves on the other one/incompatible with being in a committed relationship/marriage and that meeting an opposite-sex friend for a drink or to see a film is a 'date'.

I stress that this is not my view, or indeed my experience with longterm male friends, but it seems to be a majority view on Mn. It just struck me that the guy you got talking about boardgames to after a playdate was a man, and that the majority of your boardgame group are men, from what you say. Is it possible that the playdate dad thought you were putting the moves on him? Is it possible the nerdy guys just don't think of women as potential friends?

it’s usually coming from a very painful position , but I also know what you mean

Don't beat yourself up -- I was raised by a chronic people-pleaser, and it takes serious work to break yourself of ingrained habits. But it immeasurably improves your life, partly by clearing the way for genuine friendships that don't rely on trading services for a relationship.

Can you relax in company, OP? Can you make fun of your shortcomings and share a laugh with these people. I find self-deprecating humour can endear myself to others.
Have you checked what your resting face looks like? Do you lend much to conversations?

It actually sounds fine and positive OP. Its all about the way you choose to see it and you need to reframe this.

I’m very similar OP, and AuDHD. I’m mid forties and have one good friend from childhood, and other than that I’ve either drifted away from friends or consciously decided to not be friends with them anymore for various reasons. It used to bother me but I can honestly say I’ve made my peace with it, I have my DP, my DC, my extended family, people I chat to at my hobby, and people I meet through work who I wouldn’t call friends but we chat. So I don’t really feel lonely, even though I’m quite limited if I wanted to call someone up for a chat or go out for a day with someone.

I do think since social media has been a thing it’s been harder to maintain friendships. Before then, I’d often phone people or they’d phone me for a chat, so even if you weren’t seeing each other you still had that personal contact. That doesn’t happen these days, and I think social media is the cause of it. A status update or a quick online message isn’t the same as a phone call.

@Pawridge

It sounds stupid but I don’t think I ever considered how it could be perceived negatively to others.

It doesn’t sound stupid at all. Most women are socialised to be people pleasers from a young age and taught that they have to put other people’s needs before their own. It’s actually incredibly normal and very common for it to take a long time to unwind that bias.

I am a recovering people pleaser and it has taken me decades to work out that people pleasing not only holds me back but it’s often an irritant to others.

Well, decide whether you want to make actual friends or or run an inclusivity group where everyone has to be included in everything all of the time, regardless of whether or not you actually like them.

It has nothing to do with 'difference'. We all like people who are different to us in all kinds of ways. But some differences will be interesting to an individual meeting new people, and others won't.

I suppose this may explain how so many Mners seem to end up in friendship groups that contain significant numbers of people they appear to dislike, but still group under the rubric of 'friends'.

Not at all. I do get what you mean and I’m really trying to reflect lately. It’s hard as I’ve been doing this my whole life but I want to try and break the habit. I can see how I probably come across in the ways you listed and why that would put people off.

It sounds stupid but I don’t think I ever considered how it could be perceived negatively to others. I thought of it as something that only affected me (eg in that I’d end up in ridiculous situations because I couldn’t say no).

I find the idea people struggling looking for friends see groups of potential friends as a homogenous mass really insulting. We have our preferences, we will pick and choose who works for us but we also don’t discriminate in who we approach in the early days. We’re so aware of how it feels to be left out that we don’t want to be responsible for others feeling that way by being inclusive. That such an approach is a turn off for some means they’re not people i’d ever want to be friends with in the first place. That being inclusive or not as selective as others makes someone undesirable is an indictment on society and how little we value difference others. Do better!

Op I don't have any words of advice sorry, but just wanted to post in solidarity! I have the same issue, I make 'acquaintances' , think they're developing into friendships but then find out that lots of things are going on without me that I'm not part of, and I don't know how/why that's happened.
I found out a few years ago that I'm autistic, and it is a common experience. It isn't necessarily that we're deliberately excluded (in a bullying type way) but more that we're overlooked, or assumed to be busy or not interested. I have been told by people that I give off very 'independent' or even standoff-ish vibes when I think I'm being friendly and open!

For me personally making friends/inviting people to things 1:1 seems to work better. Also going to clubs/hobbies that attract introverts or are a more intense interest (eg martial arts rather than spin class)

@FourIsNewSix

It sounds to me that the advice effectively says to get used to being overlooked.

Not quite. But it is get used to not expecting things to happen just because you have done something. Remove the negative energy that comes from the constant cycle of disappointed expectations.

The key to social success is confidence and comfort with yourself. The OP isn’t confident in herself and she is overthinking and over-engineering things. And people are reacting to this.

The only real way to change this is to change mindset which ultimately I think can only come from counselling, which is why I keep banging on about it.

It doesn’t really matter what the OP does or doesn’t do. Its how she chooses to interpret the reactions she gets from others which I think is holding her back.

I think this comes back in part to the same misunderstanding that a pp noted -- that people who struggle with friendships seem to often see 'other people' as an undifferentiated mass of potentially befriendable people, rather than as individuals or individual groups you might be specifically drawn to. Why do you like someone specifically? Why that person rather than the other people you met at the same time? And, conversely, why might someone want to see more of you, rather than any of the other new people he/she met at the same event?

'Pleasant and smiley' wouldn't do it for me, for instance. What I look out for in a situation where I'm meeting new people is 'Are you interesting to talk to? Would I like to talk to you again? Am I interested enough by you to potentially want to see you outside of the specific environment in which we've met?' (Obviously even when I decide that the answer to this is yes, the other person/people may not feel the same way, and that's fine, obviously.)

But the other important point is the one you've put your finger on yourself. If you don't think you're interesting, likeable and good company, why would you expect other people not to take you at your word? It's no one else's job to excavate down to your possible hidden inner fabulousness if the vibe you're giving off is 'Nothing to see here'!

IMO the missing ingredient is time. Keep at it some will eventually become friends but it doesn't happen overnight. Keep showing up

I've witnessed this my entire life. I'd start a night school class, or hobby group with a friend of mine and within hours she'd be swapping numbers of arranging coffee meet ups with others and I'd be standing at the sidelines, scratching my head and wondering how did that happen?! I'm always pleasant and smiley, but I obviously don't give out the same friendly vibes as she did. I think it comes down to an inner confidence, that firm belief that you are likeable and good company; something I've always lacked despite my ability to put on a mask and take an interest in others. People seem to sniff it out.

This is a good point. The other thing I've noticed is that it's often about trying to befriend an aspirational group that you want to be part of. So people are upset because the 'clique' of mums they see as the 'best' group are not welcoming, while overlooking the less socially prominent people who may be open to friendship. Unfortunately people with an existing group of friends living full and active social lives often don't have space for newcomers, so it's often better to create your own group from others outside of it.

I don't think the OP cares about being the driver, I suppose she would gladly join and tag along, but based on the previous experience she doesn't expect the invitation to come, so she is trying to create the opportunity for herself by being proactive.

How would the lowering of expectations work? If she does nothing, she is not included. The advice would be to try to be more active, show interest, suggest things. When she does it, she is not included once again, the advice is to scale down and "lower the pressure".

It sounds to me that the advice effectively says to get used to being overlooked.

I think you need to remove the expectation OP. You seem subconsciously to expect people to take you up on everything you invite them to. Then when they don’t you are probably subconsciously signaling your disappointment to them.

You can’t possibly know why some people organise a theatre trip. It may be an existing friendship group. It may be totally random. You will never know. But at some level you seem to expect to be the social “driver” of these things. I suspect you show frustration when they indicate that they have already made plans and that makes them feel uncomfortable.

I come back to the point about lowering your expectations and thus lowering the pressure on everyone.

I do think counselling would help. You are stuck in a negative feedback loop which you need help breaking out of.

It’s hard and lonely
I’ve moved cities several times in the last year knowing nobody. Just keep turning up, keep being you, don’t be scared to share something of your inner world. A lot of people don’t, and then there’s nothing ‘to grab onto’ I would bet that none of these people know you feel like this because you probably present as quite robust …

I suppose there is an aspect of luck and random influences, but that won't explain the pattern you observe.

People generally have their lifes and not everyone has a friendship slot open at each moment. Or, even if they would have, it is hard to decide that "now" is the moment to do it, when one didn't prioritise it up to now and can easily postpone it once again.

I suppose the inviting a new comer situation is easier, because it is a well defined opportunity to do something nice.

I've read somewhere that one way of building a connection is based on helping someone (or better phrased, letting someone help you), because it allows the helping party to feel good about themselves while doing something connected with you. And you maybe doesn't look as someone who needs help - someone to introduce you, someone to help you navigate, ...

If it feels relevant, you can try asking someone for help (with something reasonable) and observe how the dynamics work in that case.

That’s really disheartening. Short of pulling your phone out there and then and booking on the spot (I do that!) I’m not sure what else to suggest!