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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

159 replies

elsamayy · 27/10/2025 08:12

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

OP posts:
IvePiercedMyFootOnASpike · 27/10/2025 08:37

Don't ADHD meds affect sperm?

Dacatspjs · 27/10/2025 08:35

As long as you don't ignore signs that things might not be right in order to crack on and have a baby, and you hold this relationship to the standards you normally would, I don't see a problem.

Peridoteage · 27/10/2025 08:34

Omg at your age no way would i be waiting 18 months to start trying for a baby. You must be mad.

PrimSec · 27/10/2025 08:34

My concern would be the only 6 months spent living together. That’s not that long so it’s easy to still be on best behaviour. Knowing him for 4 years is crucial, but still doesn’t tell you how he is to live with if you’re only sleeping over at this stage. I’d try to get longer actually spending time living in the same space and making sure that I don’t sweep any red flags under the carpet during that time.

CatsMagic · 27/10/2025 08:34

Honestly at your ages I would just go for it - if you can go the distance together then you will , doing a year settling in period won’t make any difference to how your relationship will change once baby comes, you will make it or you won’t.

Original poster
elsamayy · 27/10/2025 08:33

C152 · 27/10/2025 08:31

Going against the grain, but I rather think you've left it too late, OP. I don't think I'd be waiting any longer.

Well I come from a family of women who were very fertile well into their 40s, so I do hope I took after them. If it is too late, then I guess that's it, and we will change our life plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
elsamayy · 27/10/2025 08:32

Iocanepowder · 27/10/2025 08:29

Have you discussed how you/he will manage when a baby comes along and he won’t have as much time for taking care of his health?

Yes, at length. He is working with his therapist to ensure that he has good systems and a solid support network in place for when the stress of a baby comes. He is taking this very seriously, which I find reassuring.

He also follows his medication treatment very carefully, which provides a good foundation for his lifestyle efforts.

OP posts:
C152 · 27/10/2025 08:31

Going against the grain, but I rather think you've left it too late, OP. I don't think I'd be waiting any longer.

Cardomomle · 27/10/2025 08:29

elsamayy · 27/10/2025 08:27

I think they are suspicious of him because they know he had a depressive episode a few years ago. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD (successfully managed now), and it appears that his depressive episode was the result of many years of undiagnosed ADHD.

He has been doing really well for 2 years now, sees a therapist and a doctor regularly, and takes good care of his mental and physical health.

Show quote history

That sounds very positive, and he's obviously controlling the issue.

Iocanepowder · 27/10/2025 08:29

Have you discussed how you/he will manage when a baby comes along and he won’t have as much time for taking care of his health?

Legoninjago1 · 27/10/2025 08:28

Sounds fine to me and is pretty much what I did! As long as you’re both on the same page about the baby I would crack on.

Needlesnah · 27/10/2025 08:28

Not rushed if you have history. I would absolutely get married though, if you are able to have children. It doesn’t have to be fancy but protect yourself.

Original poster
elsamayy · 27/10/2025 08:27

Makingpeace · 27/10/2025 08:25

This is what I wondered

Show quote history

I think they are suspicious of him because they know he had a depressive episode a few years ago. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD (successfully managed now), and it appears that his depressive episode was the result of many years of undiagnosed ADHD.

He has been doing really well for 2 years now, sees a therapist and a doctor regularly, and takes good care of his mental and physical health.

OP posts:
Poodleville · 27/10/2025 08:27

If you had the luxury of time and youth, I'd say what's the hurry.
I would suggest you even move in sooner as that's when you get deeper insight into your relationship. Not just him, but how you work as a team, negotiate, share etc.

Iocanepowder · 27/10/2025 08:27

elsamayy · 27/10/2025 08:25

We have been talking at length about finances, since we are both very financially careful. I am the higher earner, but we both earn well. The plan is for him to go part-time 4 days a week for a couple of years if and when a baby arrives.

Show quote history

Do consider it may be longer than a couple of years. It can be harder to sort childcare when school hours are shorter than nursery.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 27/10/2025 08:26

I'm 36 with a newborn and I've been with my boyfriend 2 years next march. I'd hurry up the TTC at your age honestly.

Original poster
elsamayy · 27/10/2025 08:25

BuffaloCauliflower · 27/10/2025 08:23

You’re too old to wait too long. You’re also old enough to hopefully know your own mind and needs. You’ve been friends for a while. Relationships can go wrong after kids even when people have been together years before, other relationships are clearly solid from the get go.

My advice really is to have really serious conversations about the finances. Don't end up disadvantaged. This is the biggest source of discontent in my experience.

We have been talking at length about finances, since we are both very financially careful. I am the higher earner, but we both earn well. The plan is for him to go part-time 4 days a week for a couple of years if and when a baby arrives.

OP posts:
Makingpeace · 27/10/2025 08:25

dancingbymyself · 27/10/2025 08:18

I’d wonder if their comments about it being rushed are an indication they see issues in your relationship…

This is what I wondered

Cardomomle · 27/10/2025 08:24

I agree with pp, it doesn't sound rushed to me, bearing in mind your ages.
However - what about the difference in your attitude to marriage? That may not be a problem at all, but perhaps delve into that before going much further. It may not be an issue, but then again, it could be.

BuffaloCauliflower · 27/10/2025 08:23

You’re too old to wait too long. You’re also old enough to hopefully know your own mind and needs. You’ve been friends for a while. Relationships can go wrong after kids even when people have been together years before, other relationships are clearly solid from the get go.

My advice really is to have really serious conversations about the finances. Don't end up disadvantaged. This is the biggest source of discontent in my experience.

Genevieva · 27/10/2025 08:22

Why wait until the spring to move in together? Get on with it now. And seriously consider getting married before having children. I’d suggest a timeline of moving in together asap, spring wedding, then try for a baby after that.

Iocanepowder · 27/10/2025 08:22

I disagree with a lot of PPs because even though time isn’t on your side, it’s still better to be cautious.

By all means keep to your timeline, but remain flexible. Relationships can change once you start living together and it can bring up new issues to work through.

I would also definitely advise to get married for your own protections, as it’s more common that you as the mother will be financially worse off after maternity leave and potentially wanting to go part time etc.

DickDewey · 27/10/2025 08:21

Not rushed. You’re no spring chicken so you can’t afford to wait.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 27/10/2025 08:20

I would shorten the timeline honestly

TheendofmrY · 27/10/2025 08:20

Not rushed at all. In fact if you are both very serious about having kids I’d be tempted to accelerate things and move in sooner.