AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

You have known each other for 4 years, so I don't think it's rushed. Also both your ages are a factor to move things along. It could take a year to get pregnant, there might be complications. I would start sooner than later. A quick wedding might also be good. You don't even have to tell many people and have a big wedding, good to do if you are less financially secure than he is. If you are more secure then I wouldnt even bother with a wedding.
We were together 18 months before we started trying, it wasn't actively trying with a calendar etc, but I came off the pill with a view that it mighy happen. It took a year for me to get pregnant.
We didnt know each other before we started dating, but it felt right and DH was 40. I was 32. Here we are 20 years later.
I have some friends that left it too late, wanted everything to be perfectly in order before they had a child and by then it was too late and they regret it.
I didn't want to get to that point so I just took a chance that things would work out.

I also had in the back of my mind, if the relationship didn't work out, would this man still be a good dad to the child and would I be OK on my own If I had to be I was fine with both of these, so to me it wasn't a risk either way.

I met my husband at 27, we got together at 28 and married around a year later when I was 29. Had my DCs 30, 32 and 34.

We've been married for 15 years and counting.

My husband is 13 years old so we didn't feel we had time to wait although I would have loved to have had some more time married without kids. But in our circumstances I have no regrets.

We belong to the same faith community and a lot of mutual friends knew us both for longer which possibly made a bit of a difference too.

I never had a single wobble about it all at the time and never have since.

Seeing as you’ve known eachother for a long time and with time not being on your side with your ages - I would say 18m isn’t rushed at all.
I would advise to get married though if you’re going to have kids, this could happen when you’re pregnant and be low key though

For me what stands out is the confidence that your partner has a mental health plan. This is really great and I hope you both have a network of support and a village to help if a baby comes along.

A baby changes everything so if you know you are in it together now, why not move in sooner and see how you go at that? I definitely got to know my DH in a different way when we first lived together. If he had been messy or had terrible habits I’m not sure we would have lasted lol.

Good luck!

100% this!!

For similar reasons I'd also be wary of being confident re planning how much time would be lost to paid employment. Not just ND, childhood illness etc are unpredictable and can have a huge impact on earnings. The main reason I'd always advise marriage pre kids. Given your ages I'd move in together asap to properly road test the relationship then get on with marriage and TTC if all good.

Going somewhat against the grain and seeing as you would like to have a Dc and your partner has ADHD - have you considered what it would be like to raise kids with it? Have you had conversations about that? How does your partner feel about raising kids with ADHD? And I say that as some who is Nd and has Nd children.

Don’t listen to all the noise from your friends, and do what feels right for you.

I’m 36 and had my first baby in august, a couple of days after Mine and my boyfriends three year anniversary. We’d been together just under two and a half years before I got pregnant. A part of me feels sad that we only had three years together before having a baby. We’d done a few European city breaks but never had a beach/sunny holiday together or a more long haul “Holiday off a lifetime” type holiday. All this said though, I’m glad we had our baby when we did, and we can still do all those things together in the future!

I was 30 when I got together with dh, I knew previously of him too, friends is various circles. Got engaged after a year, married the following year and then dd born the year after.
You’re slightly older than I was, so it’s wise to crack on.

I would move in sooner, because that's a crucial relationship test and you may find you have issues you need to work through. Don't waste another 6 months. This doesn't shorten or lengthen the timeframe for trying for a baby necessarily, but gives you more than 6-9 months to work through any problems living together.

That's the bit I think is too short - it's not the 18 months from meeting that is an issue, but only living together for 6 months before trying that I think is risky.

That's all well and good, but how do you know about the quality of your DP's sperm.

It's mad that we only talk about women's age, when the quality of male sperm also reduces drastically with age. Not necessarily affecting becoming pregnant, but a higher chance of having genetic issues that can cause miscarriage or birth defects.

Im more concerned that you dont want to get married or you're apathetic to that. Please look into the reasons why it is better for a family and specifically the woman why you should get married or legal partnership and its not to show the world love, not to have a party, but reasons that you’ll only find out about if you're in that situation and then its too late. Like next of kin and inheritance. Especially if he has health issues.
Infertility is rarely genetic BTW. Thats why it hurts so much because you try for years and seemingly your entire family gets pregnant on the first try. 18 months is rushed, but you dont have a huge amount of time if it goes wrong.

If you're sure I'd bring the ttc forward by 6 months to coincide with the moving in.

Why wait?

When you say your mum & sister both had babies at 40-was that first babies?

I agree with people saying it’s realistic given you’ll be close to 40, I don’t think it’s rushed at all. Personally I waited 4+ years with both partners (and still ended up a single mother the first time round!) however I’m in my 20s so it was different. I think 18 months is fine especially since you’ve known him a few years already too.

Agree!

Move in ASAP. I think time spent actually living together will be much more valuable in terms of seeing the REAL person, compared to extending the dating phase.

At your age (sorry!), your choices seem to be:

• do this with a man you know well in a sensible timeline to minimise pregnancy risks
• choose to go it alone with artificial insemination rather than risk a "bad" partner

I'd be wanting to have a frank talk with my partner in your circumstances about "how do we ensure we're the best co parents we can be in the event of marriage breakdown". I insisted we talked about this with my husband, even though we'd been together 15y when we had a baby.

OP I mean this in the kindest possible way ( as someone who had primary and now secondary infertility)- a year or two make a huge difference in that age (I am your age now), I am so grateful that I had my one and only at age 31. First I had to have treatment for a hormonal problem, then my DH was diagnosed with low sperm count. If a family is your priority and you are safe and secure in this relationship I would start ASAP and do the wedding and everything else after. You might of course have absolutely no problems at all conceiving and I am not trying to scare you. But things can always go wrong in a relationship no matter how long you've been together and if a family is your priority I would not hang around.

I’d move in together asap. I moved my partner in at 37 after 3-4 months. There was minimal risk, he moved into my flat (he was a lodger elsewhere) made no payment towards mortgage (as I had paid it off) and I could have asked him to leave if it didn’t work out. He’s still here 15 years later.

so as marriage and babies are riskier things I’d get the minimal risk thing done asap.

(and yes if I wanted a baby anyway I’d probably see not many downsides of it potentially not working out later on with the dad as that can happen after a year or 10 years)

As many others have said, I would consider moving in together sooner - it’s a proper test of a relationship and will give a much more realistic impression of building and sharing a life together.

I would also strongly suggest that you have wide-ranging conversations about what raising a family together will really look like - don’t just focus on pay rates and who will take time off work in the short term. Plenty of couples come unstuck when the reality of sleepless nights, financial inequity, childcare choices, household chores, parenting styles etc, all hit home. If you enjoy living together and share values and expectations about parenting together, crack on in trying for a family asap. If you plan to have more than one child you really don’t have any time to lose.

@elsamayy In terms of age to have the baby, you may well be fine. I wanted to share my story though as it isn’t always straightforward. Like you women in my family have had babies late. Mum, aunts, multiple cousins all having babies in late 30s and early 40s seemingly without issue. I therefore always thought my fertility would probably be ok at that age - and it was, but we found out that my husband’s wasn’t.

We actually started trying when I was 30 and I’ve just had my first baby at nearly 40 after many, many rounds of IVF. The cushion of years in terms of my fertility that we have had between starting trying, finding there was an issue, waiting a year to get onto IVF list, and having enough time to have multiple attempts (plus Covid delaying things) are, I believe, what has allowed us to have a baby. So, what I would say is that if you’re sure you are happy in your relationship, and definitely want a baby, then I would caution against waiting any longer than your planned timeline in case there are unforeseen issues. It’s difficult, obviously, when you’re trying to make such big decisions on a relatively short timeline.

Do you have the resources to get some basic fertility checks now, e.g. partner’s sperm count, your ovarian reserve? This may give a better idea of whether you have time to play with.

If you are both on board, I’d look to move in sooner and just get cracking. I didn’t have the same timeline as you as I had been living with my husband for around 5 years and married for 2, but we got to my 38th birthday with him still dithering and I felt the panic set in. I just ran out of patience and told my husband it had to be now or never. I got pregnant immediately and we aren’t having a second so it’s all worked out, but I know a lot of people right now who are really struggling to have a baby. If you have fertility problems you are probably going to have them at any point regardless of your age, but if you are 30 you have more time to do something about it than if you are 40.

If possible, I would do the moving in asap. If you see a future together there is not much point waiting until the spring. That way you’ll have a year together before trying for a baby. It will give you a much better indication of whether you are compatible as parents.
Also, I would make a conscious effort to discuss parenting in specific ways. IE how much maternity leave you will take, who will do night wake ups, will you have more children etc. There may not be time for these to crop up in conversation naturally.

I'd probably go faster with regards the moving in together. Because I think it's important to ideally have have a good period of time living together before deciding to try for a baby. That bit I wouldn't rush, there's no going back once a baby is on the way and a young child often puts significant pressure on even strong, established relationships. Make sure you are compatible with the mundane aspects of life - housework, bills, food shopping. Have you seen how they cope when life is difficult? - when under pressure/stress, redundancy, family illness, workload etc. Have you spoken about how finances would work if you're on mat leave etc? Some big conversations to be had. FWIW I'm not of the 'you need marriage for protection' mindset - but that's because I did other things for my 'protection' - career, both of us going down to 4 days rather than one of us going part time and the other full time etc.

Overall, enjoy your time as a couple first. You'll never get that back in the same way again.