AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

This is a really odd response. Better to be measured than careless. Lots of mothers have mental health struggles too... I was fuuucking mental for a few years, and I put off conceiving because the medication I was on wasn't compatible with pregnancy. I had lots of counselling and worked on getting better, and then I was able to come off the medication and have a baby. It sounds like this guy has also resolved his struggles. Having a baby is hard, I think I found it harder than many of my friends did because I'm prone to severe anxiety, but it's not insurmountable.

You make it sound like people with mental health problems shouldn't have children...

I met my partner when I was 35 and he was 34. We moved in together after roughly 6 months and started trying for a baby 6 months later. It took us a while to get pregnant and we are due our first in January which will be just over 3 years together. None of it has felt rushed, if anything it has felt nothing but right.
only you will know what feels right for your relationship.

Good to hear! All the best.

I think that sounds fine, because you've already known each other four years. I might be inclined to move in together sooner, if you can. Or at least go on some holidays together and see how he is in a different environment. Definitely spend weekends 'living' at one or other's house.

I wouldn't speed up the baby timeline, because you do NOT want to get stuck co-parenting with someone who it turns out you can't stand, or you don't want your child to end up like. The father of your child is the most important decision you'll make in your life. Many women have later babies, 37/38 is not that old. My friend just had her first at 42, and is planning another asap. My nan had my uncle aged 38, in the 1950s. If it turns out you do have fertility problems that's something you'll have to deal with at the time, but rushing into having a baby with someone turns out to be a complete nightmare has the potential to ruin your life.

My mum got pregnant really easily, had her first at 36 and me, her second at 38. I started ttc at 29 and never got pregnant. There are no guarantees. I wish you all the best but are you able to envisage a life with him even if you didn’t have children? Or would you feel differently about the relationship?

@elsamayy

I do appreciate this sounds "trite" but when you find "the one" a relationship is not as measured and transactional as you've outlined.

You may well see it as caution or careful planning but from what you've intimated, you are definitely disadvantaged in this scenario.

A baby would certainly not be conducive for a person with consistent mental health struggles. Have you really thought this through Elsa? He would be at home as a full-time caregiver. No-one can possibly explain to you just how difficult having a new born is and the effects on a relationship.

I do think you are rushing somewhat, you seem giddy with your precise planning.

How deep is your love, really?

As PP have said, moving in together will be the solidifying factor here. I would definitely do this as soon as possible.
Has he been around children before? Going part time to look aftet the baby might not end up happening, or you might want to also cut hours.
You need to live together to get the measure of if hes up to the job of semi house husband.
In short you need to be open minded that things might change and if youre ok with sort of figuring it out as you go and he is of a similar disposition then that bodes well for future harmony.
Dh lost his job shortly after our first was born, he was the higher earner then and all of a sudden I was the higher earner. If you have a whatever happens we will figure it out mentality, it really helps.
The friends I have that have left it too late were of a very fixed mindset of how they expected their relationship and finances and work situation to be before and after they had kids, and then time passed them by while they waited for it to all align.

My first thought was 18 months! Too late!
My best friend went through the menopause at 45 and another friend was your age (she was devastated because she’d been trying for a baby).
We all know first time Mums at 45 but there’s no guarantee, and in, at least 2 of the cases I know, they’d been trying for years.
Do not take fertility for granted.

It seems quick, but good friends of ours were together for 15 years, married and had a baby 12 months ago… they’ve just announced their divorce. A long past isn’t always a good predictor of a happy future.

It’s fine! Many couples have a baby within a few years. It’s not unusual in the slightest.

We started trying for a baby ~ two years after we became a couple (had been friends about six months longer than that). I was only 26, we now have a ten year old and are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary! If it feels right then trust your gut.

I don't think there's anyting wrong with your timeline. I'm a slightly older mum, and have met friends who had babies in similar circumstances to you - in some cases, much less time in a relationship before the baby came but every single one I can think of all seem to be very happy several years down the line.

Nobody knows what's going to happen in their own life, never mind someone elses, so make decisions that feel good to you.

What I would caution you to do is forget about how easily your relatives feel pregnant because that's the bit I'd be worried about more than how long you've been together. I have a big family of women, and our bodies are all so very different. Nothing is a given.

I think maybe your friends aren't so much thinking '18 months in is too early to start trying for a baby' but more 'She's only been with this man for six months and it's all become very intense very quickly'.

They're probably just concerned that you're making huge plans with someone you've only been dating for a few months. For all they know, he might be love-bombing you or you might both just be massively carried away in the honeymoon phase, talking about babies when you haven't actually lived together yet.

I realise you've known him for four years as a friend, which is good. But equally, if you were a mate of mine, I might also be thinking 'She's known him for four years but it's only know that she's in her late 30s and desperate for a baby that she's started seeing him as boyfriend material'. I think they're maybe thinking that you could be kidding yourself about whether this relationship has legs simply because you're 37 and want to have children before it's too late.

I'm not saying that's true of you - obviously I don't know you, so I've no idea! Hopefully you're blissfully in love and always secretly wanted to be with your boyfriend but your love was unrequited for four years for some reason. But I see a hell of a lot of threads on Mumsnet from women who very, very obviously settled for a man who wasn't right for them in their late 30s because they wanted a baby and are now stuck with a man they don't really want to be with and miserable because they haven't been able to mould him into their dream man. So maybe that's why your friends are just trying to suggest you proceed with a bit of caution.

Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out exactly as you'd hoped and that you and your boyfriend will be really happy together and have the family you both want - I'm sure that's probably the case and I'm delighted for you if so! But I think your friends are probably just a little wary, and I can understand why because they're looking in on your relationship from the outside and things can look different to other people from the way they look to you and your boyfriend.

I would also keep an open mind as to what happens once the baby is here. Yes, your partner might want to go part time or not. I actually don't know of many men who go part time while the mum is full time. Not saying it doesnt happen, but it can be unusual. Also, with sleepless night, ADHD and little kids, dont underestimate how difficult it could be.

Move in together sooner. That's how you really get the measure of someone. Maybe rent out one of your places rather than sell it at first, so if the relationship doesn't work you have somewhere to move back to - but I think this is the crucial bit. Move in soon, live with him for 6 months and if it's all good then just get on with having a baby. Your fertility isn't guaranteed.

Ask yourself if you’d be ok with being a lone parent if this relationship doesn’t work long term? Time is not on your side if having a baby is something you definitely want, so it might be your best bet to get on with it. I know this sounds cynical but if you wait another 2-3 years you may start to really struggle to get pregnant, and if it’s something you want, and you’re ok with going it alone if it comes to it, then do it.

To me it’s frankly lunatic that you’re making plans to have a baby with someone you barely know.

+1

Agree with pp the moving in part is when you'll really know if this is a goer in terms of long term/having kids together - I dont think you can really truly know someone enough without living with them 24/7 as people can hide/mask/be anything until then (not even maliciously just naturally!).

Why wait to move in together? That will require some adjustment anyway and will tell you a great deal about whether you want to make a future with him.

Have a couples' fertility MOT

Is he planning to go part time to care for the hypothetical child? If so he would be well advised to get married first

So if you're already 37 (not sure when you'll be 38) that means if you try end of next year,/ then say it takes 6 months ish to conceive you'll basically be 40 having your first (not factoring in possible ttc problems , miscarriage etc). Which is completely do-able and not at all out the normal but it's quite scary when you count backwards how quickly time catches up. If you wanted a second even if you had one soon after your first you'd probably be looking at 42 earliest but probably 43. So in short at your age it's probably important to just do it rather than wait until the socially acceptable time frame has elapsed. Hope that helps :-)