Family holiday without DS1?

If it's your family holiday home can you go after Xmas Day or around NYE break from school ? Your parents knew DS1 would still be in school and ge is their grandson Let them go ahead without your family . Your DH is being sulky, how unattractive.

I wouldn’t be going on holiday without DS1 in this situation.

I might (and only might) consider it if it was with your DP’s parents, so not DS1’s actual grandparents, and DS1 was happy to spend the time with his dad and his dad’s family - then both children are spending Christmas with their fathers’ families so it seems “fair” to me.

But not when the extended family are on OP’s side. At that age she needs to take both her children or not go.

And I agree with others about there being some red flags with the current DP.

Your child’s moods and behavior are clearly about what is going on at home

You have got yourself into a domestically abusive relationship without realising it! Please read up on the women’s aid sites about what constitutes domestic abuse. The language your partner is using and the control he’s trying to exhibit over you are MAJOR red flags!!!! Take your children on holiday to your parents home WITHOUT the “d”p

That’s a massive leap…dh may care very very much about HIS time with DS.
maybe he knows if he backs down this will happen every Xmas going forward and he’ll never have his son at Xmas ever again…
the op is one that is creating the conflict here…her parents should know that dgc is with df this year, but they’ve gone ahead and asked family . Instrad of discussing with dd alone first, realising the issue, because dd has clearly stated “no we can’t do that…DS is at df this year and we won’t take holidays without him as it’s not fair on DS”

it is NOT the fathers issue here. He’s said clearly no.

now if op was saying it’s once in lifetime holiday, an emergency etc then that’s a one off and yep, some flexibility might have been helpful. But this is her parents holiday home, a regular holiday.

Your partner is an arsehole!!! Fancy thinking it’s ok to leave a child out of a holiday and at Christmas too!!!

I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it.

Hold on … am I reading it right, if it’s your parents, why would your dh go away on holidays?

eta imo totally right decision to not go away on away op

Really?? Husband doesn’t have that much power.
He’s not in control of the custody arrangements and he hasn’t singularly decided the best dates for the entire extended family to go on holiday.
This is a shitty situation, but that is the reality of shared custody/households.

Life doesn’t stop in one household because one child is at their other parents house. Yes, son may miss this holiday but he will have a fantastic time with his father and his father’s family. Odds are that in time he will have a great holiday with his father that is separate to his other family.

It makes zero sense for husband and child two to have to stay home and miss a holiday because child 1 can’t go and won’t even be in their custody at the time. It is completely understandable to be sad (sadness is a reasonable and temporary emotion), but it doesn’t mean you have to overreact to that feeling.

It’s a holiday with DS1’s grandparents and his mother. Husband is clearly trying to push DS1 out of the equation.

It's a tricky situation, but I can kind see why your partner is taking this stance - you are in effect making his family life be affected by your ex. Your son will be having a great time with his father, you can't put life on hold every time your son is with his other parent that is no way for any of you to live. If your DS1 one day gets invited on a great family holiday with his paternal family will you not let him go as DS2 wont be going?

I would say a 7 year old is old enough for you to explain the holiday situation to, yes he will probably feel a bit sad about it, but unfortunately this is the kind of situation kids just have to get used to when their parents make a decision to be in a blended family situation. Not great for anyone but it is what it is.

Your son's low mood at school however is something you should take seriously, but that has nothing to do with this holiday.

I agree. I know it may be extreme but I’d ask partner to leave for a bit and see if there are any changes in DS1. If the changes are positive then you know. This isn’t even about the holiday anymore. This is about the well being of your DS1.

This isn't about your second son, your partner just wants a cheap holiday in the sun.

So sorry you are in this situation OP. Find your voice though, how dare your husband suggest he can just whisk your 2 year old away for Christmas to deliberately leave you alone and that’s before we even consider DS1. I would speak to my parents to let them know all is not as perfect as it seems; you may need the support network quite soon. The worst thing is he obviously does not care about you or your son ‘a lot’ if this is his reaction. As others have suggested, I’ve got a feeling your eldest is not as comfortable and relaxed at home as you have been envisioning.
For me this would be a potential end of relationship.

Your second son is 2. He wouldn’t miss anything! 🙄
I can’t believe he’s saying you are being controlling when he is the one that sounds controlling.

I think your dh is punishing you for not letting him have his own way. Your ds 2 won’t care about the holiday and if your dh was a decent man he wouldn’t be trying to push for it. Does he really want you to be alone at Xmas with neither of your children this is actually heartless and I would be looking at him and his behaviour a bit more closely.
Yes it might be nice to be somewhere warm but I think you need to remind your dh Christmas is about family and the kids more importantly. Imagine the rejection your older dc would feel he might want to spend more time with dad but to be out of the country without him is a no.

He's the one being controlling and throwing his dummy out of the pram. I'd be very concerned how hes responded. How can he be so dismissive of the feelings of a 7 year old who is already struggling so much. I would definitely try and get him some counselling for the panic attacks, there something much bigger going on. My teen has them and they are so scary for her and has taken a lot of discussion and reassurance to sort her feelings etc, can't imagine how a little kid deals with it. I feel for you too as it's hard to watch an worry about them. You're definitely doing the right thing not going and you won't enjoy it worrying about ds1

I can’t believe this is even a question with a 7 year old! Maybe if he was 17, but not 7. Let alone added to what you’ve said about him being sad and playing alone.

The holiday, especially with your parents need to be off the table unless you can all go.

Can you swap days with his dad? Otherwise you need to visit your parents only when you have both kids.

As for your H taking the other child away on his own, this is also selfish behaviour from an adult and if the 7 year old knows about it he will definitely end up feeling ‘less’ than his sibling.

This is a real line in the sand moment.

Gd he has really let himself down here. I think you might be looking at a mask slipping a bit. Keep a close eye out you might be finding out part of what is wrong with your older DS if some of those feelings are coming out with him at other times. Your DPs behaviour is very bad.

The holiday is with your parents so how on earth is he going to negotiate that without trashing you! I’m sure that will go down well! He is being incredibly selfish replace ds2 with him in his explanation… you are such stupid and controlling me, you should feel very guilty about taking my holiday away from your partner, I’m going to go anyway screw you because I don’t give a crap about you or your child… that’s his real message

Someone asked if the dates could be changed. They are going for a Christmas holiday so the dates can’t be changed.
I was asking if the PP thought they could change Christmas ? Not being serious.

Sounds as though it is important you include DS1. Can you negotiate with his Dad to have him another time?