Am I dealing with fussy eating dc wrong

I'd be over the moon with mine eating pasta and peas😅 my little one won't even touch cooked food anymore. He's got major sensory issues with food. You can't force him to eat so honestly, take the pressure off and be glad that he's eating some healthy stuff at least.

I was an extremely fussy eater. Luckily my parents were kind and didn’t fuss the issue. When people did the upshot was often that I ended up throwing up. At about 12 I had a moment (that has entered family lore, because I had been that much of a pain) where I suddenly found that I wanted to eat pigs cheeks in a restaurant in rural France. I now eat a more varied diet than many adults. I still can’t face a few things…probably psychological as they’re classic kids food (baked beans and scrambled eggs being the obvious ones).

Edit: What I’m saying is that if the rest of you eat well then forcing the issue may just end in disaster where gently leaving be is much much kinder, particularly as there is currently a healthy range there.

This obviously won't work if there are arfid type issues at play but your reference to their dad indulging them gives me the impression you think it's not. Only you know if you think it's health related or not.

I'm a big fan of not the French approach. Don't worry about safe foods. Just serve what you serve, if they eat they will, if not they go hungry. No alternatives, but no coaxing or berating either. Just ignore them completely. Clear up and move on.
No snacks until the next meal. Rince and repeat.
At the moment they get your attention by being fussy and can continue doing so because you are giving safe foods.

My dad used common sense? We're fairly close now and I don't hold it against him, but for years I would literally be unable to eat new foods because it would send me into a panic attack or a meltdown and I'd be sick. It is child dependent. I can offer my son new foods as much as I like, but I know for a fact that he won't eat them.

Edited to add: common sense, to me, would be him accepting that I was very restricted on what I could genuinely eat, and allowing me to try new things in my own time. It took up until my current age (27) but now I can try new things and 9/10 times not end up crying.

My DS was the same. Had a list of food that he would eat, so that’s what I cooked or gave him. I would introduce new food and just pop it in the side of his plate. If he ate it (not often) great, if he didn’t I just didn’t say anything.

I started with trying all sorts - bribery, encouragement, hiding or mixing in food. None of that worked, so I just chilled out and tried not to make a big deal out if it.

He started to try a few different foods by the time he got to 18 and I now just casually say ‘fancy a bit of this’. He has really increased the different types of food he now eats. I now take him to different restaurants and he will try new stuff, but I still make sure there are a couple of safe options for him.

Your dad used common sense. How do you get your children used to new foods if you never offer them? I don’t know what the alternative would be. Giving them only what you know they’ll eat doesn’t widen their tastes.

It may be child dependent but as a parent it’s your job to keep offering everything.

I can't say whether your approach is good or not as there's not enough info.

So, you're serving them the same as you with a "safe food" in the mix somewhere.
Then you jump to "it takes an hour to eat". Why? Are you telling them they have to eat it? Are they just slow about it? What happens if they refuse food?

What I can say is that you getting stressed is perfectly normal and understandable but it is, unfortunately, deeply unhelpful. You being on edge will make your child on edge and so food will only have associations with fear, tension, and discomfort.

You need to find a way to take the pressure off everyone. Maybe try a few mealtimes where he only has the option of what you're eating and he can eat what he wants and leave what he wants. If he's genuinely not eating anything then maybe offer the main meal in a "serve yourself" style in the middle of the table and the option of one of his preferred foods alongside thats available to everyone. Do not comment on what or how much he's eating - positively or negatively. Food is neutral. Family time and conversation at the table is valued above how much food is consumed.

I would say that the specific brand thing and things not being mixed does sound like it's a deeper problem than just being fussy though.

My brother was a bit like this (including noticing when his preferred pizza brand changed the recipe for their sauce) and my parents just let him eat his "safe foods". He realised sometime in secondary school what a negative effect his dietry restrictions had on his social life (eg being anxious about food on residential trips, having to explain to new people that he only wanted chips in a restaurant etc) and felt it was time to start trying new things. As an adult he began to learn to cook and how to apply food science and this further broadened his diet. He can now pass for normal! He can host friends and family for meals that aren't just pizza and he can always find something substantial on a menu that he likes. However, he still eats to live rather than truly enjoying food and his appetite is small.

This is to say, that as long as he's eating something and food has positive associations he'll be okay. But there may be approaches you can take to make you all more comfortable.

Same meal on repeat is very autistic

I was thinking ARFID too. You say you have other unfussy children so is this just fussiness or something more?

This (with a small pile of grated cheese) is a regular meal for my 7yr old who has ASD and ADHD.

If you can get the major food groups and a reasonable amount of fruit and veg into them then I wouldn't worry too much about how you do it.

As long as they're eating do what works for you.

My whole family is like this. We are autistic with sensory issues and all have certain safe foods. Multi-vitamin gummy bears or chewables is how you not worry about nutrition.

Oh I see. Have you considered ARFID?

Would he eat them both if you did different courses? Eg a “starter” of veg, then a “main course” of pasta served with a little bit of something new?

What does he eat at school?

I have a fussy eater too , although he is a lot older . I suppose it is difficult to unpick as not sure about the difference in what both you and your ex are feeding your child . It is difficult to know with our kids if they have become fussy or if it perhaps linked to other things .
One thing that you should look into ( and hopefully be able to rule out ) is ARFID ( Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder ) . It can be linked to autism .
As others have said you have to try and work around it and try and balance giving your child some of the things you know he will eat and get him to try new things as well .

i think with anything with fussiness over food you have as others said try to take the drama out of it , as it only makes things worse . I do get how deeply frustrating it is . I find I get criticised for rotations the same meals but when I try new meals DC refuses to even try it !
I have often said -if I win the lottery the first thing I would get is a personal chef ….
It is frustrating when you know they like the individual ingredients but when they are put together in a meal they are rejected .
Are you able to check with your GP / health visitor ( sorry can’t remember what age they still deal with children to …) if your DC is underweight . If they are they may be able to refer them to a dietician or suggest supplements . My DC for a while had to drink yoghurt drinks several times a day .
I would always try and keep some of the things that you know they will eat on standby in the freezer - for my DC it is a good quality pizza and chicken nuggets . I will be very happy the day I never have to cook another chicken nugget. That way if they do reject the food you have made , you have a standby .
If they do eat some fruit and veg , again just have them available and hopefully they will be getting some variety in their diet that way . It might also be helpful to get a good quality age appropriate vitamin supplement if you think they aren’t getting a varied enough diet . Good luck x

Honestly OP, I had three fussy eaters, one of who had a list of acceptable foods very much like your DC as a toddler / preschooler. It was unfathomable to me because we are a foodie household and as babies they all ate anything, but at around a year old they all became plain pasta and cucumber BUT NOT TOUCHING type kids and there was nothing we could do to change it. It seemed like forever at the time but they did gradually all grow out of it.

Now they are all teens and a mealtime battle is an argument over whether we should cook curry or korean 😀

What about serving themselves?

Here the main thing goes on plates and everything else is in bowls for self serving.

Sometimes means the fussiest one will eat the main thing and then three helpings of peas, but sometimes they'll try something new if they can put one thing on their plate rather than a portion.

Also has helped them guide for themselves that sometimes they'll fancy a good number of chips, a few carrots and a load of peas and other times one or two chips but lots of veg.

Sounds like ARFID, have you heard of it? I only got diagnosed last year in my 40’s!!!

But would they eat both if served separately? Peas on one bit of the plate, pasta on the other side, a small amount of sauce/some meat on the edge that they don’t have to touch?

You don’t have to feel guilty for providing your child with food they will eat, that includes some veg, with the option for them to have a bit more variety if they feel able to. You can provide a balanced diet, laid out in a way that makes them able to eat as much as possible. But you can’t make them eat.
The alternative is feeding them a mixed meal they won’t eat. Or forcing them to eat.

My youngest was a very fussy eater. We took the pressure of meals by giving him what he would eat and making sure he could access, pick what he wanted from what we were eating too.

Anyway he is mid teens now and eats pretty much anything and everything and is adventurous trying new things.

I have no idea if this would have happened anyway, even if id made a big fuss about his diet and tried to force a wider variety of food.

But im happy with our end result.

Do you cook with them as an activity - may help as children are often more likely to eat something they have made. Even something simple like making your own oven chips and then a week later making a mix of potato and sweet potato or buttnernut chips (cooked separately so they might try one of the alternative variety). Maybe try making gnocchi - its fun - so they can see the ingredients.

Put safe food on his plate and what your eating on there aswell but get one of them plates that has seperate compartments so its not touching. When my kids went through there fussy phases this always worked someday better then others now they all eat a varied diet no issues. Problems arise when parents stop offering different types of food and just think oh he won't eat that so don't even try