Am I dealing with fussy eating dc wrong

I'd look into ARFiD and/or possibly autism.

This very much sounds like ARFID.
I've got an adult child with it.

Mine were horrors at 7. I was mortified that their diet was so bad and they were so ridiculously faddy. I felt it looked like I didn't understand good nutrition. I had grown up being made to eat food I hated so didn't want to go down that route.

I tried to never knowingly serve food they genuinely disliked but I wouldn't tolerate them just being contrary about brands or pasta shapes. I also learned to accept that variety wasn't essential as long as they got the range of nutrients.

Around age 10/ 11 they gradually improved. Both adults now, one is quite a foody and the other a little less adventurous but eats most things. One thing that seemed to make a difference was that on a Saturday DH and I would eat later and have something special. They became curious and wanted to be included.

I have a 15 year old that eats a balanced but limited diet - he would starve rather than eat something he didn’t like . The alarm bells ring for me when you say your DC doesn’t like things touching . Gu ramekins are great for keeping things separate on a plate ) I don’t think my DS has Arfid as he does now eat quite a lot of different things - I ended up making a list - but it is very regimented and there are good and bad days . At 7 though it was pasta or chicken nuggets with Yorkshire pudding and very limited fruit and raw veg.

Id say give your DC what they will eat , but keep trying tastes of different things - even if it’s not a normal family meal - for us that increased What DC will eat . Eg he won’t touch potato but will now eat a cheese stuffed jacket potato - that’s become a regular family meal , he now eats tofu so we have tofu based stir fries , He will eat lentil Dahl - so now I make that regularly . For my DS I think texture plays a big part .

I’m another who was effectively force fed as a child -( all I really wanted was to not eat meat) - so wasn’t going to inflict that on my child .

It’s been proven that some people have more sensitive taste buds. This is what can cause fussy eating.

I was a fussy eater. I’ll eat anything now. But l clearly remember being forced to eat green beans and vomiting in my dinner.

FWIW I had one child who really struggled with food (later diagnosed autistic and ADHD). I stuck with safe foods and offered other foods with no pressure. It took about a year before they tried anything. As an adult they have preferences but eat most things. Another was fussy due to sickness when small. I took the same approach and as a teen now, they are broadening the range of food they eat.

It is easier as they get older because they can see the reasons to try and eat more things. When they are young they just know they don't want to. Just because they have a limited range as a child doesn't mean it will be that way for ever.

You really need to look into ARFID OP.

The very worst thing you can do is turn food into a battleground. It will only make things worse (I've seen it go horribly wrong with a child although luckily with expert help things did turn around eventually). Your child needs to be confident that they can eat their safe foods.

My advice for now would be to take all the pressure off by only giving them safe foods. Speak to your GP and try and get a referral for some expert help.

This is not just being fussy.

I am also in agreement. My son is 8 and he is insanely fussy. From what I have read - the GP’s won’t do anything unless they are loosing weight.

I recently found the other day when I gave my son homemade nuggets - which he refused only a couple of weeks ago due to the look of them! that I left him with the plate and ignored him, he ate the whole plate of food. I couldn’t believe it!

How is their weight? If they are healthy weight i would gradually start pandering less to their wishes.

Do not make a fuss and do not make them eat anything. This is a child who is quite old so the habits will be really ingrained, it might take 2-3 years to really notice improvement. Ive done this with my DC from age 4 and tonight (now aged 6) she's eaten roast pork dinner & voluntarily served herself new potatoes (with skin on), roast pork, thin green beans, broccoli & peas. She added gravy on and ate the lot!

Involve DC in food preparation. Make clear they don't have to eat it but they have to help peel carrots, chop fruit, stir the sauce, have a go at kneading the dough. Touching and smelling the food without the pressure of being made to taste/eat it will help them reduce aversion. Encourage pretend (or real) cooking eg pasta buffet where you can mix up your own food (put dishes of pasta and favourite/safe foods like peas, sweetcorn, sausage and encourage self serving & mixing their own "recipe".

Example of changes you could make in small increments:

1. add one new/different item to the plate. Dc does not have to touch/eat but needs to accept them on the plate.
2. make a small presentational change. Different shape or colour of pasta. Cut the carrots a different way.
3. serve two foods touching & gradually move towards mixing
4. introduce new fruit flavours via juice blends or adding purees to yoghurt
5. make meatballs from chicken mince instead of pork.

stop snacks. They kill appetite for meals.

You have to remember it takes 15-20 exposures to make a change. That means if you offered the same 5 new vegetables, 1 each night every week, it might take 6 months to get those accepted (not liked) and that's if you are really, really consistent. When you say you've tried things and they "don't work" have you tried it consistently, repeatedly, for months? Because it doesn't work doing it four or five times. It takes months. It is really hard, changes have to be very slow & take months - you have to see it as a lifestyle change.

Do you all eat together round the table? They need to see you all enjoying varied foods.

My mum forced me to eat “whatever they were having”. This set me up with a lifetime of food issues. She never stopped to find out what the issue was. Years later, I was discussing it with a dietitian and she did some tests and discovered I had CMPA, which often comes with a side of sensory and textural issues around food. This made a lot of sense to me as I had always avoided things that made me gag.

I never wanted to do that with my daughter. She ate what she ate, and as long as she was healthy, that was fine by me. She is now way more adventurous with food than I am. She will try everything, her dad makes meals which she will world down and I have something different. Things changed when she was about 9, she just decided that all by herself to try stuff. My thinking was, if she did have issues with food, me forcing that was going to cause major problems, and the harm if she wasn’t was minimal.

People will always insist it’s vitally important what food habits kids have, but as long as habits are healthy, it really doesn’t matter if they won’t try everything when they are young. Stop worrying about it, don’t make it a battle, do whatever gets her to eat.

I was a very fussy eater, probably ARFID as mentioned above. What I wish was my parents had just let me eat what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. I'm a super-taster with coeliac, so my early experiences of food were not great.

The absolute fear and revulsion I felt at eating a 'non-safe' food is hard to describe, but imagine an adult scared of heights being taken to a bungee jump three or four times a day and being told to jump.

It took growing up and being able to be in charge of my own meals and trying foods without having to, to grow out of it mostly.

Please:
Allow foods to be eaten seperately / not touching. Contrasting textures / temperatures were particularly challenging.

Place no judgement or expectation. This just emphasises the pressure on food and increases stress, making it even harder to try novel foods.

Don't watch like a hawk - food and meals are supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable.

Let them pick something they want to try at random every now and then, may surprise you. And if they don't want to try it or don't like it, no worries and move on.

They probably won't starve, but you can seek specialist help.if you are worried.

I was very fussy as a child, I ate everything until 18 months and then stopped. I got more adventurous as a teen and I’m better as an adult, however there are still certain textures/tastes I really can’t eat. (Anything mashed/pureed, creamy, fatty meats or eggs is off limits.) I have a very strong gag reflex and I can’t physically get it down. Serving me stuff I didn’t eat, just meant I was hungry and then binged when I could, which doesn’t set you up well for eating habits.

DD1 eats most things, DD2 is more like me. We always make sure there’s food she eats and give her a tiny amount of anything we’re having to try, but it’s fine if she doesn’t like it. We’ve explained that taste buds change and to keep trying as you may like it one day. She’s now happy to try most things and I noticed a few weeks ago that she’s really come on and we’re now eating the same meals most of the time. (Although all sauces except pesto must be separate!) She is still very limited with vegetables but thankfully with frozen veg that’s easy to cater for.

I would definitely look into AFRID. DD is fussy but couldn’t care less which brand her chicken nuggets are!

I was a super fussy eater as a child. It was not a choice. I could not put something in my mouth and chew and swallow it if I thought I wasn't going to like it. It made me feel sick and I wouldn't be able to swallow it.
So no amount of persuasion, bribery, coercion, or even just leaving it there, was going to work. Serving me a dinner I couldn't eat and giving me no other options would have led to upset, hunger and weight loss, it would never have led to me 'giving in' and trying it. Because I wasn't do it by choice, it wasn't a goal-oriented behaviour, it was an avoidance behaviour.

So I would say that given how specific your child is about what they will and won't eat, that you should offer them what they will eat, and have available on the table (not on their plate) other things that will see others eat. But don't mention the other foods, just have them visible.

I would definitely look into ARFID. I would also say given that your child eats blueberries and peas that's pretty ok as a diet, even if restricted.

I finally found myself able to try new things without feeling sick when I went to university. I was still very selective but I could put something in my mouth and try it without gagging! I spent a year abroad during my degree which forced me to try a lot more (and I mostly liked it ) and then went abroad somewhere completely new to live and work for a couple of years and I didn't even know what half the foods I was being offered were. I definitely didn't like them all but I was able to try them without fear. It was a complete turnaround that my family would never have believed possible.

These days I am more selective due to bowel problems rather than taste buds!

This is absolutely perfect.

There’s no point feeling guilty about giving your child food they like as if they’re missing out. I also stopped eating due to the pressures and prior to that, regularly went to bed with no tea. I eat so much now but it’s as I’ve got older and as I’ve decided I want to. If my parents forced me, there would be so many connotations associated with that food I wouldn’t bother.

Do you think they are trying to control you through that behaviour?
Or is it sensory issues?

I think the cause would change a lot to how you respond. At some point you have to be prepared to let them not try and ignore it, potentially going hungry a little bit.

IME it was going to uni that sorted the fussy eaters out, sorry you might have a long wait!
I tried cooking the same family meal for everyone, it didn't work. Pies were acceptable, casseroles were not, but the casserole stew in a pie dish with pastry on top was OK - I couldn't keep it up. My DH (who mostly worked part-time) took over the cooking and basically cooked three different meals every night for years. He said he couldn't stand the aggro......My contribution was to insist on a side plate of raw veg or salad (carrot sticks, cucumber etc) with the meal, and also fruit before sweet puddings. Both the now adult DC are incredible cooks, their culinary skills amaze me. But one did have a go at me the other day for 'making us eat raw mushrooms'. Apparently no-one else they have ever encountered has ever eaten raw mushrooms. Looking back I am surprised I succeeded with the salad side plates, and it clearly has never been forgotten.

I think at some point you have to accept that this is the way your child is. I really don't think they're doing it just to do it - there obviously is a deeper issue here (such as ARFID, or autism, like others have suggested) and you need to focus on the foods they do eat rather than the ones they don't. It is so hard, I know. But the more stressed out you get, the more stressed your child becomes. If you're laid back about it, you'll have a higher chance of success

Mine ate everything when tiny then got increasingly fussy. I just went with what she would eat, made sure some fruit and veg was thrown in there somewhere and involved her in cooking a lot. There was a lot of plain pasta and chicken nuggets. She could e.g. knock up a lasagne but would not eat it. She would gag at the table if I tried to get her to eat something she didn't want to. I tried to never to make a thing about it. One day we were on holiday and she ordered and actually ate lasagne in a restaurant to my complete (happy) amazement She wouldn't touch pizza until her teenage years where peer pressure seemed to have an effect, though she could make one. From 16 she mostly cooked for herself and since she went to Uni she has completely changed and will happily eat sushi, quinoa, chinese and indian food, things with a sauce....

There is a good kids dietician on instagram called ‘kids eat in colour’ and I think her approach to fussy eating is really good - realistic and manageable.

I followed some of her ideas for my boys. Both went through a very ‘beige stage’ but gradually improved. DS8 will now eat things I make for the family like chicken and bacon pie, salmon and rice, spag bol, meatballs, most veg (with gravy), chicken fried rice. DS4 is gradually building up what he’ll try but is definitely better than 18months ago.

I was an incredibly fussy eater as a child which led to endless dinner table battles with my DM. From being a student onwards I was really open to new foods and embraced them.

My own autistic DC has very limited safe foods and we decided you know what its just easier to give him what he will eat. The rest of the family eat well and varied foods, we all love to cook and bake. But it takes the stress out of mealtimes. We always offer DC new foods or whatever we're having, no stress. And don't make a fuss if he independently asks for something new or says he tried a new meal at school. Multivitiams help ease the worry too.

Well based upon your list they eat more and better than mine do! It's gutting for me as I am desperate for them to eat a healthy, varied diet but I am really trying to relax about it. As a child I was a fussy eater and my mother consistently tried to force me to eat things I refused - to the point of physically forcing things into my mouth ending up with me vomiting very neatly onto my plate. She couldn't accept her own actions caused it and learned nothing from the experience. As I got older I naturally started enjoying more and different foods and from about 18 would eat pretty much anything. The only foods I'm not interested in now, predictably enough, are the ones my mother used to insist upon the most. Funny that...

Based upon this I ask my children to at least try anything I cook. If I see them make a genuine effort to try something, even just one mouthful, and they insist they don't like it, then I let it go and do them something beige. My mother's actions led to lots of reluctance around food and if she'd just left me to it a bit I'd have grown out of it sooner and cleaner so I'm hoping that's what mine do.

The alternative is you have a serious problem with something like ARFID, for which you should seek professional help.

I’d start with the food they want and then encourage a try of a new food, sitting for ages pressuring them is making dinner super stressful for him. More stress than it is for you.