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Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
TakenewNn · 26/10/2025 20:18

yes, this is the life he is offering. Do yiu really want it?

Hedgehogbrown · 26/10/2025 20:18

Also if you have kids with him then break up (because he does fuck all to help you) will you be comfortable with sending your kids to him when he will probably leave all the care to his new girlfriend and not bother with them? You have seen what he is like.

Lavender14 · 26/10/2025 20:17

Arlanymor · 26/10/2025 15:06

He said he felt unwell, sounds like he is letting it affect his behaviour. Is he usually fine? I assume so or you wouldn't be with him...

Edited

"sounds like he is letting it affect his behaviour"

This is key. It's one thing to come home feeling unwell and starving etc or to be stressed etc. It's not OK to come home and take that out on everyone around you. I don't think that's unique to your situation as a stepparent, I think it's your situation with a man who takes you for granted and isn't accountable for himself.

Red flag.

ThisTaupeZebra · 26/10/2025 20:15

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 17:47

The thing is I don’t have an issue with occasionally looking after DSS. I include him in everything and try my best with him. But the truth is I’m not a parent - I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t have a natural parental instinct. I just try my best. I think “treat them as your own” only makes sense when you have kids yourself - I wouldn’t draw a distinction between him and “my” kids.

My issue is the complete lack of regard or respect from DP. A simple “thank you” or “can you mind DSS?”. I would never say no (unless I couldn’t), but it is completely expected. And if I don’t do it, he makes me feel like a monster or like someone who’s not trying with his child. But I AM trying - I do stuff with him and DSS all the time, my family include him for Christmas, I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…

it just never feels “enough”

The thing is, I am married to my son's father, as per the traditional arrangement. And if he had to bugger off until 2pm on a Sunday last minute, he absolutely would say thank you, or make it up to me/offer to take something off my plate in return at some point in the immediate future.

So that is what 'treating them like your own' looks like.

And your partner's claim he can't quite put his finger on what it is you aren't doing is just time-stalling bullshit.

This wouldn't be acceptable if your step-son were a shared biological son, and he knows it and is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Hedgehogbrown · 26/10/2025 20:15

evertriedeverfailed · 26/10/2025 17:50

OP, I think the concern is that your partner has set himself up as the person who decides whether what you are doing is enough. But why does he get to decide?

Yes, why are you putting up with this?

InterestedDad37 · 26/10/2025 20:15

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 17:47

The thing is I don’t have an issue with occasionally looking after DSS. I include him in everything and try my best with him. But the truth is I’m not a parent - I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t have a natural parental instinct. I just try my best. I think “treat them as your own” only makes sense when you have kids yourself - I wouldn’t draw a distinction between him and “my” kids.

My issue is the complete lack of regard or respect from DP. A simple “thank you” or “can you mind DSS?”. I would never say no (unless I couldn’t), but it is completely expected. And if I don’t do it, he makes me feel like a monster or like someone who’s not trying with his child. But I AM trying - I do stuff with him and DSS all the time, my family include him for Christmas, I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…

it just never feels “enough”

You seem very good-natured, OP, and your heart is most definitely in the right place.
His, however is most definitely not.
He is demonstrating what he thinks of you, and what he expects your role to be (and what he thinks of women, too)

Please don't marry him. He will not change. Things will get worse. You will regret it.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Sunflower10S · 26/10/2025 20:09

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

As someone who got into a relationship with a man with a daughter, this is how it started for me. Then slowly over time it became every weekend all weekend apart from 2-3 hours after he had finished with his friends. So so many times when we went away it was ALL on me including making sure she was safe because he would fall asleep all the time...

It doesn't get better unless you put your foot down now.

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/10/2025 20:04

Why doesn’t his dad wash his school uniform? The problem isn’t that you don’t treat him like your own, it’s that you don’t expect to be default parent. I bet your dp would grump if you had random plans all next weekend, because that’s his prerogative.

Tonkerbea · 26/10/2025 20:00

Yeah, don't marry him. There's better men out there.

At the very least don't have children with him, or you'll be tied to the ungrateful man child forever.

Saharafordessert · 26/10/2025 19:59

Please be careful moving forward OP.
I really feel for you, you sound like a great step mum and it seems your DP is walking all over you and massively taking you for granted. It actually makes me sad, you don’t deserve this!

RogerR4bbit · 26/10/2025 19:56

You’ve listed everything you do for your DSS, and bearing in mind he doesn’t even live with you full time, it makes me wonder what on earth his Dad does for the kid? Very little I presume 🤷‍♀️

I’d seriously worried about marrying a man who used me in this way.

Pinkypleasepurple · 26/10/2025 19:55

This guy - your finance - is a tosser.
red flags.
🚩
Run.

if he is treating you like this already then it’s a terrible insight to your future..
Im a step parent . No disrespect but you’re confusing the step parent part . You’re saying a man child who is now worthy . He sounds horrid .

Butterflyarms · 26/10/2025 19:52

It would be very interesting to hear from the ex wife why they are no longer together. Because he sounds like a nasty layabout.

NormaSears · 26/10/2025 19:50

@Anusername , did you even read the OP's posts?

Shinyandnew1 · 26/10/2025 19:49

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Don't marry him. He's lined you up as the unpaid nanny.

Happyjoe · 26/10/2025 19:48

He's not shown you any respect on this occasion. I hope he normally does a lot better as at is stands he doesn't sound like good partner material.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/10/2025 19:45

Moveoverdarlin · 26/10/2025 15:04

Mmmm go careful he isn’t marrying you for your childcare services. This would piss me off. He’s got his son for the weekend and has palmed him off on you and not even said thanks.

Yes, this.

I would think very carefully about the marriage if I were you.

And don't have a baby with him, because when you split up, his next girlfriend will be looking after them.

Helloyellowbluemoon · 26/10/2025 19:39

I can see why his ex left him easily based on what you have put. I wouldn’t personally call him a great dad. You are now his free nanny that happens to keep his d**k happy. Red flags 🚩. Been there done that won’t do it again.

Tiswa · 26/10/2025 19:38

No only with an awful partner and parent

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 26/10/2025 19:38

Poodleville · 26/10/2025 15:55

I agree with the red flag comments.
Also, shower when he got back, that plus his foulness towards you made me think of an affair! Maybe a bit of a reach. In any caae, his behaviour towards you is bad enough on its own.

Crossed my mind too x

Terrytheweasel · 26/10/2025 19:37

WearyCat · 26/10/2025 19:33

When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Willing to bet that it’s when you remind your “partner” that the child is actually his, and that sometimes parents do need to parent their kids themselves, rather than outsource it 100% of the time.

I don’t like the sound of this man, @tokoyo . Sorry. It really sounds as if he wants a wife to do the domestic and parenting work, so he can do what he wants. His son may be lovely, son’s mum too if you two get on- why isn’t he with his son’s mother, why did that relationship fail? I would be really wary of proceeding with this now.

I agree - why are they not together? A decent man does not walk away from his family easily.

Terrytheweasel · 26/10/2025 19:36

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

In front of your step son?

notatinydancer · 26/10/2025 19:34

No no no. You’re his unpaid childcare.
Are you planning on having children ? Because if so , you’re very lucky you have seen what he will be like. You’ll end up looking after 2 kids.

Dustyblindsblue · 26/10/2025 19:34

Men often assume that women are always keen to do childcare. They don’t see it as work or a thing of value. Don’t marry this man.

WearyCat · 26/10/2025 19:33

When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Willing to bet that it’s when you remind your “partner” that the child is actually his, and that sometimes parents do need to parent their kids themselves, rather than outsource it 100% of the time.

I don’t like the sound of this man, @tokoyo . Sorry. It really sounds as if he wants a wife to do the domestic and parenting work, so he can do what he wants. His son may be lovely, son’s mum too if you two get on- why isn’t he with his son’s mother, why did that relationship fail? I would be really wary of proceeding with this now.

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