Is this the life of a stepparent?

Major red flags

he wants you to treat his son as your own so that he doesn’t have to do childcare

his weekend/time with DS should be that. His time

dss is 4

how long ago did they break up ?

his long have you been a couple ?

the phase nanny with a fanny could be used here

Don't ever marry someone you have doubts about.

If you're not 100% delighted about every aspect of your future together, just don't. It'd be a terrible decision that you will always regret.

I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…...

Good grief, you're doing more for him than his unemployed dad is doing.

Big red flags are waving. Your step-son isn't your responsibility, he's the responsibility of your partner. Yes, your partner and step-son come as a package, you can't have one without the other. Your partner clearly is expecting you do be doing a high proportion of the 'parenting' when your step-son is staying. Is the business your partner is setting up, likely to mean he's going to need to work when your step-son stays over at weekends or evenings?! If so, then he will be expecting you to look after his son, and likely all day. Are you planning on having children with your partner? You will end up parenting both your own child and your step-son. You need to have a conversation with your partner, about how you see your role in your step-son's life and how involved you want to be. I definitely wouldn't be marrying your partner, until you were satisfied, he is abiding by your boundaries. If you're not careful you will be nothing more than a glorified unpaid nanny.

What are his redeeming qualities? There must be some, since you're marrying him.

Um… why are you marrying him. He’s unemployed. He talks to you like shit. He’s got standards you aren’t meeting (saying you don’t treat his kid like yours) which is making you feel like it’s a you problem. He wants to marry you to look after his kid. Does he do anything around the house? Are you a good earner? Are you buying a house together?

With respect OP it can’t be that long-term a relationship if he has a 4 year old son with another woman.

This.

Can you imagine having a child with this chancer? You'll split up with him in a year or so and then he'll get some other gullible girlfriend to look after them at the weekends so he doesn't have to.

Call off the wedding now, before it's too late.

Are You the Nanny with the Fanny he’s obvs been looking for

Completely agree, so dumb! Why are women so bloody desperate for a man they'll put up with this shit?!
He's not even employed; setting up a business my arse.

This is not a stepparent problem, it's a partner problem.

With respect OP it can’t be that long-term a relationship if he has a 4 year old son with another woman.

I would seriously reconsider your future with this man, it sounds like he has very little respect for you and expects you to do his share of the childcare for his son. Please think about whether you want to put up with this, let alone have children of your own with him.

I haven't read the whole thread but...
I'd be very wary of a parent who plans to marry on Xmas Eve. Imo it shows a lack of consideration for his child.
Every Xmas eve will be a dilemma between spending it with DC or celebrating a wedding anniversary 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would NOT marry someone like this

run for the hills!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I think you should thank him. He gave you a good peek into the future with him and how domestic roles esp in relation to childcare are going to look like. It's up to you what you make of this.
But from the updates, this was not a one off. I would cut my losses and move on (I know easier said that some but you are in a position to stop this whole run away train now before getting on, use it).

Please don’t marry this man. You sound lovely.

@OP Do not marry this man.

He thinks women are responsible for child care, OP. He wants you to do even more of it - you’re not doing “enough” - and be grateful for it.

he is not the prize. Run while you can

I’ve been in my DSS’s life since he was 18 months old and he’s now an adult. I have never provided childcare for him. He was not my child, not my responsibility, and I had no interest in taking on the role of caregiver. He has two perfectly able parents. By maintaining my stance, I was able to determine that my DP was not perusing a relationship with me because he saw an opportunity for free childcare.

If I’d given up my time to look after someone else’s child, I’d expect some acknowledgment and gratitude. He sounds like a shit dad. Try refusing to provide the parenting he can’t be bothered with, and see if he still wants to be with you. An essential experiment before your life-long commitment.

Please don't marry this man. Run away
Find someone who loves you not just wants a free babysitter

I'm glad you escaped your situation and were able to find happiness. I'm not opposed in general.

However I think this shouldn't stop us pointing out to single women without children "hey, that guy you just started dating who has a 1yo child? you should treat that as a massive red flag and not just see it as a standard part of modern dating"

(Not sure exactly how old OP's DSS was but she says they're in a LTR and he's only 4)

Because what does it say about this man?

Either he abandoned the mother of his child during a very vulnerable period of her life

Or she left him, despite being in such a period, because staying with him seemed like a worse option

(Okay there's a small chance his vicious ex really did just spitefully leave him and he's brokenhearted - in which case, give him a few years to heal...)

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this is OK, and if he's already behaving like this he will only get worse once you're trapped in a marriage. If it were me I would sit him down and say - marriage means we are supposed to work as a team, a partnership, respecting one another. It is not respectful to just tell me you expect me to look after your son rather than asking me. It is not respectful to shout rudely at me that you're 'sorry' I had to look after DSS. It is not respectful to not say thank you. It is also not respectful to your son to leave him with me all day and then be rude and grumpy when you get back. Both DSS and I deserve better and I am telling you now that I expect to see an immediate change in your behaviour. If I do not feel treated with respect, I will be forced to cancel the wedding.' And mean it.

Have the conversation tomorrow after he's slept and can't say he's tired and hungry. If he says - you're right, I'm very sorry, I was a dick' and promises to change, I'd give him another chance. If he argues and tries to defend himself - the wedding would be cancelled.

A grown man who can't be civil to his partner (presumably in front of his son?) and won't even interact with his child because he's 'hungry' - that's a huge red flag. Come on mate, you've been out of the house for a few hours, not doing a 12-hour shift in A&E. Have a sandwich and buck up! In all seriousness - he has an attitude problem as a partner and probably as a parent too. I feel for his ex to be honest. Can you LTB but stay friends with the ex?

How often does he have his son, OP?

Run while you still can.

And this just sounds abusive. It sounds like he's gaslighting you op.