AIBU are presents from DIL

😬

I agree, she’s not able to spoil you with her time as she’s a busy working mum so is trying to spoil you both in another way.

Just accept the gifts and thank her. She is showing her love and appreciation for all that you do. Count yourself lucky that you have such a lovely DIL!

My FIL comes once or twice a week for dinner and invariably bring chocolates or the occasional bottle of champagne. I tell him he doesn’t need to come bearing gifts, but I think he likes to show his appreciation. It’s nice that she appreciates your effort.

As PP have said, definitely accept graciously. My lovely Dad was always helping us with DIY projects, lending tools, doing stuff for us. I always used to send him a little something afterwards, even if it was one of the boys' drawings or something. It's just to say "Thank you! I couldn't have done that without out!"

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship, and she clearly values your help. I’d accept them as a token of her appreciation rather than transactional

I'd graciously accept. I wish we had this"problem!"

She’s doing this to show gratitude and that she doesn’t take your help for granted. Accept the gifts graciously. Sounds like you have a lovely family life.

I don’t think it’s at all transactional. My mam does childcare once or twice a week for us which she very much enjoys and wouldn’t want anything for doing it but I do treat her to lunch out etc as a way to show we’re grateful. Although she doesn’t want anything she is always happy to have a treat. It’s nice your daughter in law values you.

She's just trying to do something nice to show that she appreciates you.

Absolutely don’t raise it again! She is aware how very lucky they are to have you both, she probably has friends who struggle with childcare, and juggling life, and is counting her blessings! I bet she’s been asked a few times by friends if they can swap in laws. The gifts are token gestures, but she wants you to know she loves and appreciates you.

My mother would have been both giving and expecting gifts to show appreciation. Your DILs own DM may be the same and has raised her to do the same. I am very much like you though and do things because I want to, not expecting or wanting anything in return. But she may feel that it would come across as ungrateful to just keep accepting your help without showing you in some way that it is appreciated. It’s so tricky to get this right, my mother would feel unappreciated if some gesture wasn’t made. I think you have stated it is not necessary, but she still wants to so just accept it in the spirit it is meant, to keep that relationship as positive as it currently is. My default is to assume the best in people’s motivations unless proven otherwise. (My mothers tends to be the opposite, it does not lead to contentment…).

So do you feel what you do is transactional? If not, why do you assume her kind acts are?

You're being extremely unreasonable and I think she'd be very hurt by what you're saying here.

She sounds lovely and it sounds like she just wants to do something nice for you in the same way you do for them

Op its so nice you do so much for your dil. Honestly dont ruin it by being silly over her wanting to buy you some gifts. She obviously wants to, just say thank you or reassure her that it really isnt needed. My own mil wouldn't so much as offer me a cup of tea in her own home let alone come to mine and iron so good on you for being so kind to her and she's trying to be sweet back.

It’s really nice of her to give you a gift once a month for giving them loads of free childcare and support. You need to learn to accept the gift.
Many of us get zero support from our in-laws, if I had this much support, I’d be buying my mother-in-law a bloody five star holiday!

your dil will be aware lots of her friends and colleagues will get no help or support and the cost of what you are saying you do is probably about £1000 per month in monetary terms.

She’s just over the moon to have you.

OP, I have 5 young children and the most amazing sets of grandparents, one set in particular who, like you, are retired and live close. We too are doing a huge renovation/extending project that also involves setting up a couple of new businesses so it's very very full on and hectic here.
I would be lost without the help from grandparents and tell them all the time and like your DIL I too buy/pay for 'stuff' for both of them and I would be devastated if I thought they felt like you do.
I do it because I love them, I appreciate them and I want to spoil them occasionally - the same reasons behind why they help us out.
They don't 'need' to do what they do for us, and I don't 'need' to do what I do for them - we all do it as that's how we see family life being.

What you do is enormous, and many could only dream of having even a fraction of that support.
Allow her to show her appreciation and be gracious in return.
You need to give that head a wobble as you sound a little controlling.
You are entitled to offer help, just as she is entitled to be appreciative.
Don't mess it up and cause problems unnecessarily.

She sounds lovely. In fact you all do. Just appreciate the gesture. Maybe it's her way of demonstrating that she doesn't take you for granted. Which is really sweet.

As others have said, it's actually lovely that she doesn't want to feel she's taking all your help for granted, and instead tries to show her appreciation.

If you refused to accept her efforts to show gratitude for all you do for the family, I think that would be much more painful for her to accept and she'd feel uncomfortably beholden to you both. Of course there's no way a few nice gifts make up financially for all the help you give, and they're not meant to. They're tokens of gratitude! In your shoes, I'd definitely be delighted and grateful for anything - of course say there's really no need, but how wonderful, it's just the kind of thing I'd never buy for myself, etc.

This sounds like such a lovely set up! The me from 10-15 years ago is very jealous.

She might be picking up on a power imbalance if you are always wanting to be the giver and not comfortable as the receivers.

It's gracious to receive, and the fact that it's difficult for you to do so shows the above might have some validity.

This is one of the few situations where the concept of “love languages” may be helpful. Yours is acts of service, you are looking after the grandchildren / help with DIY because you love them and want to help and it makes you feel useful and warm and fuzzy and all that. Hers is gift giving, she’s looking for small but thoughtful things to show she loves and appreciates you. She’s no more trying to pay you than you are trying to control her. As you’ve already decided please just accept gratefully and enjoy what sounds like a very nice relationship.

I don't see it as transactional, I see it as gratitude.

Please accept them.

My mother ran herself into the ground looking after my DB & SiL's DC every day after school for several years (my SiL is not a particularly good coper & couldn't manage). I used to get rather annoyed at the way they never returned any favours to my mother - I suggested they pay her electricity bills as a thank you but apparently that couldn't be afforded.

So please accept the gifts as a symbol of what your hard work means to your DiL and DS. I would have liked to have seen my SiL & DB making such gestures.

May be she is scared one day it will become transactional if you need care.