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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

247 replies

Granso · 26/10/2025 14:13

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Granso · 26/10/2025 19:23

StewkeyBlue · 26/10/2025 19:15

Fair enough! Bang to rights.

Not paying enough attention,

Would have been much less alarmed about Dc moving to Lebanon… and would personally have felt much happier about travelling there myself.

But my thoughts remain the same.

Show quote history

DD was non contact with us from 2018 until June 2020 when she told us about their first baby, we sent cards, I messaged her, DH messaged her all to no reply. We then spoke to her again just a few weeks later around the time of the port explosion as I knew they didn’t live massively far from the port and I was terrified.
I continued to message, send cards and presents, and again in August 2021 when they had their 2nd baby I messaged and received no reply at all.
This continued until July 2023, by which point I can’t quite recall if it was already an advisory against all travel or if it was very close to that point. All of our time that we have been reconnected it has been FCDO do not travel. You cannot just travel to a country with an active terrorist group and active airstrikes from neighbours. You will not get travel insurance with any ease (especially not considering my DH and I both have health issues as it is). It would be utterly reckless. Of course I’d have loved to go and see her but it’s not as simple as oh I’ll hope on a plane. They also haven’t been on holiday since early 2024 which we weren’t invited on nor was DS, this was their trip to the UAE.

When someone is no contact any number of Mumsnet threads will tell you not to force yourself on them or disrespect their choice. And if a country is under a do not travel from the FCDO then the choice is much removed from your own hands!

OP posts:
Weekendwatch · 26/10/2025 19:17

Favouritefruits · 26/10/2025 19:14

They get off that plane and you all forget everything! You open your arms and your heart and accept them all flaws included and never look back.

No way in this case
no way

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 26/10/2025 19:16

Favouritefruits · 26/10/2025 19:14

They get off that plane and you all forget everything! You open your arms and your heart and accept them all flaws included and never look back.

I know you mean well, but it isn't going to be quite that simple, and I'm not sure that it's helpful to pretend that it will be. I'm sure that they will eventually be able to put the past behind them, but the OP needs to be prepared for a somewhat rocky road ahead.

StewkeyBlue · 26/10/2025 19:15

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2025 17:55

Wrong country, which is interesting.

Show quote history

Fair enough! Bang to rights.

Not paying enough attention,

Would have been much less alarmed about Dc moving to Lebanon… and would personally have felt much happier about travelling there myself.

But my thoughts remain the same.

Favouritefruits · 26/10/2025 19:14

They get off that plane and you all forget everything! You open your arms and your heart and accept them all flaws included and never look back.

Ohthatsabitshit · 26/10/2025 18:46

So basically you shunned your daughter for marrying an Arab?

Eeriefairy · 26/10/2025 18:43

When, at 23, I moved 200 miles away with my then-boyfriend, now-DH, my mum acted like I had been kidnapped. There was no sudden wedding and moving to a war-torn country. We were close enough that she could come and stay. Nothing to stop us talking on the phone etc.

15 years later, she still sometimes talks about it as if my DH “took me away”. He is also only a couple of years older than me, and there is absolutely no reason I can see for her to assume I wasn’t fully making my own decision about my own life. It was like she couldn’t accept it that I was “leaving her”.

I sympathise with your past behaviour. You clearly regret it and the people judging you for it have almost certainly not experienced anything remotely similar.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2025 17:55

StewkeyBlue · 26/10/2025 17:34

Well, I too would have been deeply disconcerted, pretty horrified really, had they gone straight into parenthood from Uni in a country as dangerous as Yemen.

But that would have prompted me to do all I could to remain close.

OP, they went to all those places on holiday: you couldn’t have met her in Greece???

But I very much hope you can now come to a reconciliation.

I would start by writing to her before she arrives. Say you are proud of her for raising 3 children and you regret not keeping in close touch. Sure, tell her you were worried about her safety but you were wrong in the way you behaved and you apologise unconditionally.

Tell her you are delighted she is common back and you know she will be making big adjustments and you hope that she will feel able to let you know how she feels and what support she needs.

And FFS stop making nasty insinuations in your mind about his she is involved in some manipulative plot to get your money. Keep up that sort of attitude and you are setting yourself up to fail.

Wrong country, which is interesting.

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2025 17:45

wizzywig · 26/10/2025 17:26

It seems they are in contact as now they need you

Daughters need their mums. Especially when they are new young mothers themselves.

Of course she needs her mother. She's needed her for years but her mum has behaved appallingly (as she admits) and been mostly absent, not even going to the wedding even when her own DH (DD's Dad) did go.

OP is now extremely fortunate in that she has a chance to start trying to rebuild and improve things. She should seize it with both hands rather than being dissuaded by comments such as this.

Gloriia · 26/10/2025 17:36

'OP, they went to all those places on holiday: you couldn’t have met her in Greece???'

They weren't invited. You can't just pitch up on someone's holiday. The dd was visiting her db.

carmak · 26/10/2025 17:35

Why are you being quite so honest on here OP, you are sounding really unpleasant? The picture you paint of yourself is too bad to be a reverse even.

StewkeyBlue · 26/10/2025 17:34

Well, I too would have been deeply disconcerted, pretty horrified really, had they gone straight into parenthood from Uni in a country as dangerous as Yemen.

But that would have prompted me to do all I could to remain close.

OP, they went to all those places on holiday: you couldn’t have met her in Greece???

But I very much hope you can now come to a reconciliation.

I would start by writing to her before she arrives. Say you are proud of her for raising 3 children and you regret not keeping in close touch. Sure, tell her you were worried about her safety but you were wrong in the way you behaved and you apologise unconditionally.

Tell her you are delighted she is common back and you know she will be making big adjustments and you hope that she will feel able to let you know how she feels and what support she needs.

And FFS stop making nasty insinuations in your mind about his she is involved in some manipulative plot to get your money. Keep up that sort of attitude and you are setting yourself up to fail.

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2025 17:33

You've been given a very lucky chance now to try and make good, to begin repairing the damage that your bigoted and racist behaviour unnecessarily caused.

Seize it with both hands. Don't try in any way to justify your past behaviour. Admit that you were very, very wrong. Tell her that you love her unconditionally, that you accept the decisions she made and that you can see that they were obviously right for her. Admit that you should have been much more accepting and supportive, should have gone to her wedding, shouldn't have made the ridiculous and baseless allegation that her now DH was grooming her.

I think you probably owe similar apologies to her husband too. Make them full and proper apologies, not non-apologies. No "I'm sorry but ......." Just be contrite and mean it. Actions too will speak louder than words.

I think/hope you have learnt a lesson here. Like not to be so judgemental and racist in the future, and to be more open and supportive of your children's adult choices.

Gloriia · 26/10/2025 17:32

WatchingTheDetective · 26/10/2025 17:25

So why couldn't you have met up with them in Greece or Cyprus?

You are coming across so badly here that I want to think it's a reverse, though I doubt it really.

I just can't understand how, with free messaging and phone calls, you haven't kept in touch with her throughout those years. Were you menopausal at the time and not seeing straight?

Show quote history

Thr op has said they weren't invited to Greece or Cyprus.

'Menopausal and not seeing straight', what an awfully ageist thing to say!

We see folk on here all the time recommending 'going NC' if someone looks at them the wrong way so difficult family relationships are not a new thing.

The op wants to make amends. That is surely a start.

wizzywig · 26/10/2025 17:31

@WatchingTheDetective has she? Didn't seem like it when she was abroad.

Itworkedout · 26/10/2025 17:30

Op it sounds like sending money was your way to have a distant relationship. Now your dd is due home it seems to be about money again. I don’t think all living together is wise considering what has happened. You didn’t even attend her wedding. I think you need to be more honest with dd some frank conversations are needed. If she needs your money I would offer it from the off. Then you both know where you stand. Could you help them rent a place nearby? Then build your relationship with them all gradually? As all under one roof could go very wrong.

goody2shooz · 26/10/2025 17:28

Granso · 26/10/2025 14:54

Well my response to her going in the first place was to accuse her husband of grooming her. So I think that’s a pretty horrible thing I did that I need to apologise for.

Show quote history

That’s pretty horrific that you said that in the first place, and even worse that you haven’t apologised after all this time.

Ddakji · 26/10/2025 17:28

Well, I wish you all the best, OP, but I think you’re absolutely mad to have them living with you.

WatchingTheDetective · 26/10/2025 17:28

wizzywig · 26/10/2025 17:26

It seems they are in contact as now they need you

That's incredibly unfair. It's her daughter - she's always needed her mum.

AleaEim · 26/10/2025 17:27

@Granso maybe consider getting this thread deleted just incase she sees it. If I was a new mum moving countries, I’d be all over mumsnet.

wizzywig · 26/10/2025 17:26

It seems they are in contact as now they need you

WatchingTheDetective · 26/10/2025 17:25

Granso · 26/10/2025 15:23

Well she always remained close to her brother, he holidayed with them in Greece and Cyprus.
But we have been in more regular contact since 2023. I messaged her congratulations after the birth of their second daughter but she didn’t reply, I did so again after their 3rd in 2023 and we have spoken often since then.

Show quote history

So why couldn't you have met up with them in Greece or Cyprus?

You are coming across so badly here that I want to think it's a reverse, though I doubt it really.

I just can't understand how, with free messaging and phone calls, you haven't kept in touch with her throughout those years. Were you menopausal at the time and not seeing straight?

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 26/10/2025 17:25

@Granso, I take my hat off to you for being able to reflect on your past behaviour and recognise how very wrong you got it. Not everyone is capable of such self reflection or of admitting when they have made mistakes.

It seems to me like you are genuinely sorry for what happened in those early years, and if you can somehow convey that to your dd and her DH, then that will count for a lot. However, I would just caution you against expecting too much too soon. Not trying to rub it in, but your behaviour must have been unbelievably hurtful for your dd, and for her DH too, and they won't be able to just forget what happened. In your shoes, in addition to an apology, I think you need to acknowledge that you can't undo the wrongs of the past and that they can't be fixed overnight, while letting them know that you want to make it up to them now in whatever way you can.

Be prepared, too, for the fact that your dd may not be thrilled to be back "home". For all of the challenges that life in Beirut may have presented, she had built her adult life there, and it will be tough starting again from scratch back here. Read up on reverse culture shock so that you are able to relate a bit better to what she is going through.

Be supportive, be kind and avoid any judgment or criticism of how she does stuff - remember that she has learnt to parent in a very different culture. Also, be patient, be consistent, expect some setbacks along the way and try not to take it personally when your dd misses her life in Lebanon. This is a huge adjustment for her and it will be really tough. But I'm sure that you will be able to rebuild this relationship over time if you really want to put the effort in.

Gloriia · 26/10/2025 17:25

Granso · 26/10/2025 17:14

We sent her money every birthday and Christmas, my husband did go to the wedding (he was very much in the mind that it may be his only chance to walk his daughter down the aisle and he wasn’t going to miss that). We of course send presents for the children’s birthdays and Christmas and DS often showed us pictures of the children. We did want to be closer but like I said following the birth of their second child DD simply didn’t reply to us and we didn’t connect again for 2 years, I continued sending money, cards etc over those two years.

I wish I could go back and do things differently but I think it’s hard to know how you will react in a situation until you are in it.

Show quote history

We see on mn every day how family relationships break down. You kept things open your side by sending cards etc. You couldn't make her respond and I don't think it's helpful that some posters seem to be enjoying sticking the boot in.

Mistakes were made, you recognise that and want to make amends. Hopefully this is the perfect opportunity. Just go slow and be careful as obviously everyone will be a bit emotional about the whole situation.

BreakfastOfChampignons · 26/10/2025 17:23

Granso · 26/10/2025 17:14

We sent her money every birthday and Christmas, my husband did go to the wedding (he was very much in the mind that it may be his only chance to walk his daughter down the aisle and he wasn’t going to miss that). We of course send presents for the children’s birthdays and Christmas and DS often showed us pictures of the children. We did want to be closer but like I said following the birth of their second child DD simply didn’t reply to us and we didn’t connect again for 2 years, I continued sending money, cards etc over those two years.

I wish I could go back and do things differently but I think it’s hard to know how you will react in a situation until you are in it.

Show quote history

Youre putting a lot of the blame on your daughter for not replying after you messaged when their second child was born. The damage was already long done by then.

If my daughter was moving to another country, where their treatment of women was poor, and I thought she was being groomed, I'd be walking to Lebanon to see her if I needed to.

The whole living with you scenario is going to be a car crash.