To be furious about this?

I agree with the above ^ You probably had a lot going on emotionally at the time that you didn’t really even realise. So maybe you turned your resentment towards your parents forcing a friendship, as that was something more tangible than the abuse and treatment within the family. Maybe now it is something that feels easier to direct your anger towards.

Many kids are put in the position of being forced into friendships their parents want, but it didn’t feel violating to them, it was just annoying. I am guessing this might have been something on a long list of things that made you angry/sad/violated as a kid. Has something happened to make you think about these memories in particular?

Oh fuck off. Grow up.

It must have been so difficult having an alcoholic and abusive mother and while of course I am not you, that would be the thing that had a profound and negative impact on me. I am guessing that pressuring you into this friendship was just one of many things she did that negatively affected you and tainted your childhood.

I can understand you not being happy about this. I wouldn't have liked to have been told that I had to be friends with someone I wasn't keen on, especially during those teenage years. I'd say many of the posters here who think you're overeacting, wouldn't have liked it either. Did your parents want you to be friends with a doctors daughter, perhaps?

Well you say your mum was all kinds of abusive. I'm so sorry. That breaks my heart. Yes you are totally valid in how you feel. Yes you were violated.

But for you to heal you need to process it and move on.

Parents are just people, humans, flawed, often deeply. They had a kid, that's it. It doesn't make them special people, magical people, and does not erase their flaws suddenly.

Many, many people get this type of parent. But it's no reflection on you. They weren't rubbish because of anything you did or were. It's just that they're just people.

As an 11 year old your needs weren't being met by your parents re your mum being an alcoholic and you negotiating the moods swings.

Your parents weren't supporting you in finding the friends who chimed with your personality and needs. They appear tone deaf by putting you in an awkward situation with this girl you didn't like. They may have been trying to ingratiate themselves with Anna's parents.

You are still very bothered by this situation all these years later and are angry at your parents for getting this bit of parenting wrong. Maybe they have never reflected on it and realised it themselves. None of you have moved on and it could be getting in the way of having a better relationship with your parents now.

Have you tried talking to them about it? Is this something you could do? If not, then perhaps consider some therapy to help you understand patterns of thinking and reflect on the nature of the relationship with your parents. At the least, try writing down your thoughts and feelings and see what comes out of that.

If you were raised by an alcoholic, there may be much in your childhood that gives rise to feelings of violation, resentment, and even trauma. This forced friendship on the surface seems to have caused an unusual level of distress, suggesting some unresolved issues. I'd recommend you contact a support group for family members of alcoholics to start working things through.

You are 53, being utterly ridiculous, and you know it.
‘Violated’? Don’t insult people who actually understand what that means.

You need to pep up your life now. If this is what you are wasting energy poring over, you need to have more going on.

Um, no your parents shouldn’t have forced a friendship when you were a teen but you’re being a bit dramatic. The friendship ended by secondary school.
eta just seen you’re 53. Get over it! It’s almost 40 years ago.

I thought this.

It all sounds a bit weird.

I have OCD and do have stop myself from ruminating over this kind of thing. A bit of me is still annoyed that my mum ruined a holiday for me by inviting the girl who used to be my friend when we were primary school age.

I'd planned a solo holiday. Like an idiot I acquiesced and agreed that my mum could accompany the friend to the travel agent to hand over my money for me.

When I got home from work, the destination that had been booked wasn't my first choice or my second choice - it was precisely the one that I'd said I didn't want.

However...I'm 65 now. Mum's been gone for 10 yrs. There's no point in getting my proverbial in a twist about it now. In actual fact, it did me some good - it taught me to have more of a backbone and the experience of being on holiday with the 'friend' confirmed for me that we were simply too unlike one another to gel.

Like pp, I think you are focussing excessively on a fairly trivial problem, when the really serious problem was that your mother was alcoholic and abusive.

It may be possible for parents to force a friendship on 11-year-olds; but not iater in secondary school; you could have distanced yourself from her. Many people are 'forced' more into long-term contact with toxic relatives, from whom they cannot so easily distance themselves.

YES. I actually think it was Anna that was forced to be in a friendship with an angry, problematic girl from an abusive family. They probably felt that she would be a good influence or a calm friend to give the girl some respite from a terrible childhood.

The fact her father was a church-going doctor makes a lot of sense. Lots of doctors who want their children to "experience" all facets of society. By the nature of their work, they tend to be more altruistic and empathetic than other high-earning jobs. Many doctors are open to the idea of their children being friends with disadvantaged kids and may go out of their way to arrange this.

Assuming that Anna and her parents are totally normal people and not part of a human trafficking or pedo ring, then it she was clearly the one who was told to be friends with OP

I think’ violated’ is out of context. Your Mum probably wanted you to have someone your age to share that stage of life with and have some normality while she was battling her demons.

Yes. I can just imagine what her side of the story is…

Is anyone else feeling sorry for poor Anna?

You are 53.
You need therapy.
You are furious about the wrong thing.
And in fairness, even in your post you come across slightly…off…ignoring her when she’s waving at you?
Maybe you’ve got issues with people/interpersonal behaviour and your parents were trying to help you form relationships? Maybe they were desperate for you to be what they perceive as normal? Just a punt…

Aye. Move on.

It can take years to even recall what happened in childhood and the feelings around it take you back to being a child. and emotions that surface can be confusing, painful, shaming. It does sound like some support from other people who had an. abusive alcoholic parent would be helpful to you. On first reading I missed the info about your alcoholic parent so a quick read left me wondering why you felt violated.

Your dad and doctor probably thought it would be healthy for you to have a “good role model”. That doesn’t change the shock and feelings you are experiencing now years late as an adult. Please think about getting some confidential professional support.

Are you in a difficult situation now OP? Although I do think it's important to go over past events to some degree, I think that when we're not in an ideal situation we try to find a reason for it and focus on the wrong thing.

I imagine your parents had good intentions with this friendship although there could have been some snobbery involved. My mum certainly thought that doctors were some sort of gods. Or perhaps they thought the family could offer some sort of security for you if anything happened to them.

From their side would it be ‘we had family friends with a dd the same age as ours and she doesn’t have many friends so we’re trying to encourage it?’ Absolutely standard, and lovely and considerate, parenting. The fact that you’re calling it ‘violating’ gives an indication of what it might have been like to parent you.

the alcoholic mother is far more of a valid reason to be hurt.

This is a good point - if Anna’s mum knew about the situation with your mum, she may have been pushing the friendship to try to help you - get you out of the house, have you over for dinner etc, especially if they felt there was no point reporting to social services (a common attitude at the time).

@Overlenders if this is a genuine post, can I suggest you take yourself off to the Stately Homes thread in relationships. You'll find support there from people with experiences of childhoods like yours, who can help you to unpick what's going on. The AIBU board really isn't somewhere you will get support for issues like this.

For what it's worth, I have seen a lot of social climbing mums engineering their children's friendships, and I have rarely seen it result in a happy child. I think you are focussing in on Anna, but don't forget she was just a child too, being told what do do by her parents. You grew up with an alcoholic, and so your childhood was probably chaotic, scary, insecure, with poor boundaries and feelings of not being loved or your needs as a child met. It's highly likely that the helplessness and lack of love you felt because of your parents' behaviour is making you angry about the one of the few things we, as children, did (usually) have some control over - who our friends were. But there's an overall picture of an abusive situation you experienced because of your parents that needs addressing. Honing in on this one issue with Anna might be the key to unlocking a lot of past hurt, but it isn't going to be the only - or even the real - issue that's causing you distress.

Being an adult and still feeling the helplessness of a child is truly shit. I hope you get some help and (eventually) some closure.

Sounds like you have some unresolved trauma OP…but not caused by Anna Taylor. Honestly…this is very bizarre. Have you sought help over the years…had therapy? If not, then maybe now is the time.