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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be furious about this?

285 replies

Overlenders · 26/10/2025 07:55

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 26/10/2025 16:42

Overlenders · 26/10/2025 16:12

Thank you sounds like you’ve got a sensible attitude with your kids

just out of interests - why do you think these issues surface more in middle age ?

Show quote history

They don’t. You are being really odd about it.

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/10/2025 16:18

@Overlenders What do you want from this thread? Do you want agreement? Acknowledgement? To feel heard?

If you want resolution and to never let this matter cross your mind again that's possible, but only if that's what you actually want.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 16:12

Pistolpunk · 26/10/2025 09:06

I get where you are coming from, and childhood experiences can affect us as adults and more so in middle age, so I am probably in the minority when I can empathise with how you would feel violated with not having the autonomy to make choices of your own accord at that age. I wouldnt have foisted friendships on my own kids when they were younger as they made their own decisions regarding friends etc.

I also feel the family history with your own parents is valid so yes it's ok to feel resentment etc. I know since peri menopause I have had a few episodes of resentment towards things from my own childhood and parents, and what seems trivial to others is not trivial to you so embrace the anger just now and gently breathe it out and take care of you.

Thank you sounds like you’ve got a sensible attitude with your kids

just out of interests - why do you think these issues surface more in middle age ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:57

Also in relation to my last post - our neighbourhood did have quite a few kids actually- I mean it was very upper middle class with a lot of late middle age whose kids are either practically adults or flown the nest - but it did have a fair few primary age kids etc as well it’s was hardly a child less barren wasteland 🤣 so this tends to fly in the face of my dad’s explanation!!

OP posts:
Floatingdownriver · 26/10/2025 15:57

If you’re looking back over your life and this is your biggest complaint, thank you lucky stars.

you are being enormously unreasonable btw.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:53

DarkYearForMySoul · 26/10/2025 08:53

From reading your posts this is what I’ve understood and the questions it brings up for me.

  1. your childhood was marked by an abusive alcoholic mother and you had no siblings to share or make sense of the experience with
  • What was your relationship with your father/grandparents like?
2) your family arranged a ‘friendship’ for you which they worked to get you to continue despite you not enjoying the person’s company and you judged them negatively.
  • Did you have other friends? What did they think of this other friendship?
  • Why do you think your family were so keen for you to have this friendship? Was it for you or her?

I actually asked my dad why was this friendship with Anna forced. He gave me 2 different reasons on 2 separate occasions

he firstly said that “this” (our neighbourhood) wasn’t an area where there were many children so he and my mum thought it was better and safer for me to ‘go round as “2 rather than one”.

this doesn’t wash though as by 11 nearly 12 - which I was when the friendship was forced - kids let’s face it don’t tend to ‘roam the neighbourhood’ as much they stay in their rooms etc .. also I’ve managed alright until nearly 12 so surely I’ll manage fine going forward ?

Also he said that Anna was very likely given her social background to go to university and they wanted me to do the same so thought it was a good thing I hung round with Anna. I mean WTF?! tbh if I didn’t want to go to uni ‘naturally’ then forcing a friendship aged 11 IS NOT the way to get me to go!!!

Also my parents were both MUCH TOO OBSESSED with going to uni in general I thought

OP posts:
User564523412 · 26/10/2025 15:31

To be frank, all your posts sound like you're deeply jealous of Anna.

Understandably, she had a lot of things you didn't have growing up. You probably sensed that and projected a lot of anger onto her that should have gone to your parents. Obviously, no teenage girl is a saint so she probably did or said things that you found upsetting. Most teenage girl issues tend to blow over once both sides become adults. However it's not normal to ruminate about friendship dramas several decades down the line.

I'm willing to bet that you've tried stalking Anna online. You've probably tried looking her up on Facebook or Googling her name just to find out what she ended up doing so you can hate on her even more.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:26

Driftingawaynow · 26/10/2025 08:57

We can’t control our feelings, so of course you are not unreasonable for feeling angry. Well done for naming it and being honest and I’m so sorry that so many people are telling you different

it sounds like there is probably a lot more underneath that anger than this as an isolated incident, with themes of lack of autonomy, intrusion, subservience and lack of respect for you. I wonder if you have kids the same age now and that has set you off

therapy could really help you unpack this if you wanted to but keep naming and exploring it if you need to

Yes all those themes you mentioned - intrusion etc are all spot on

OP posts:
Figgygal · 26/10/2025 15:24

What an odd thing to fixate on after all this time op

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:23

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 26/10/2025 08:59

I wonder if this is more indicative of you feeling powerless as a child generally.

Also was there a more sinister reason you needed to stay friends with this girl. It's very strange. Could your parents have been blackmailed into it?

I’ve often wondered actually if my parents paid Anna to be friends with me.. but then they were very snobby well educated middle class types obsessed with status - I can’t see them accepting money for this somehow

OP posts:
Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:20

@DarkYearForMySoul

yes I had other friends.

my other friends - although also middle class - think primary school teachers kids etc - thought Anna was very ‘posh’ a snob etc

interestingly. Anna’s mother called 2 of my schoolfriends so not Anna’s friends - ‘awful girls’. They lived close to Anna. I was surprised by this because for one reason I was only 11 - and surprised a mum would be so directly critical to me of other kids - one of which only PRIMARY age - who she knew I’d know well!!!

OP posts:
Weekendwatch · 26/10/2025 15:18

There is something very tragic about the OP.

A woman of 53. And this is her life.

It is not too late OP

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:14

DarkYearForMySoul · 26/10/2025 08:53

From reading your posts this is what I’ve understood and the questions it brings up for me.

  1. your childhood was marked by an abusive alcoholic mother and you had no siblings to share or make sense of the experience with
  • What was your relationship with your father/grandparents like?
2) your family arranged a ‘friendship’ for you which they worked to get you to continue despite you not enjoying the person’s company and you judged them negatively.
  • Did you have other friends? What did they think of this other friendship?
  • Why do you think your family were so keen for you to have this friendship? Was it for you or her?

1st paragraph of point 1 nails it

I think personally my parents wanted me have this friendship cos - they were both well educated high flying lawyers - I was an only child. The beat part of my childhood was reading comics and watching programmes like

cannon and ball
little and large
3-2-1
play your cards right

all the domestic type sitcoms like Terry and June etc and MANY MANY many more programmes

I think they felt I might not be getting a very ‘middle class’ childhood as such - spending hours in front of TV unsupervised in any exactly a ‘naice’ middle class childhood is it? (With or without the ham)

I think they realised that this girl perhaps had a more ‘traditionally’ middle class upbringing - SAHM, sibling close in age so more overall ‘supervision’ if you get me - and my mum being a huge snob would’ve wanted me to have a typically middle class childhood and feared that if left to my own devices I’d be veering away from that

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 26/10/2025 15:13

It sounds like Anna was well rid. Not waving hello is unacceptable, you are rude.

This is why being an only child is a very bad thing for some kids. You never had to share a room or your toys and you never learned to tolerate others. Many people's lives are full of siblings, cousins, neighbours, siblings friends, parents friends kids and so on. It's normal to be around others, you don't need to enjoy it but it's hardly abusive that they wanted you to have a friend.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:06

DarkYearForMySoul · 26/10/2025 08:53

From reading your posts this is what I’ve understood and the questions it brings up for me.

  1. your childhood was marked by an abusive alcoholic mother and you had no siblings to share or make sense of the experience with
  • What was your relationship with your father/grandparents like?
2) your family arranged a ‘friendship’ for you which they worked to get you to continue despite you not enjoying the person’s company and you judged them negatively.
  • Did you have other friends? What did they think of this other friendship?
  • Why do you think your family were so keen for you to have this friendship? Was it for you or her?

I started replying to this post but my phone battery conked out so I’ll try and do shorter replies so if my battery fails at least there’s something down

my dad enabled my mums drunken, narcissistic rants

my grandparents on the whole were much more stable and down to earth no substance abuse issues I had a good relationship with them particularly my gran. They were much more relatable

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 26/10/2025 14:59

Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:36

Yes your first paragraph nails it

Show quote history

You have to realise that you are now well into middle age. Concentrate on your life today, or you’ll be a perpetual victim; not a good look.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:36

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 26/10/2025 09:01

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think it's part of a much wider context of neglectful/controlling parenting by parents who were very focused on themselves.

My mum could be a bit like this with friendships, and I think people saying "but you didn't have to be friends with her at school" don't really appreciate the broader picture of parents who have been very controlling from birth onwards and how it just isn't possible to imagine that there might be bits of your life that they can't actually direct.

Yes your first paragraph nails it

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 14:35

Take the mum calling you ‘spoilt’. You seem to be only ruminating on how awful it was that she insulted you in this fashion. Have you given any thought in to what behaviour you were exhibiting to be called this?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 14:33

op, you have come up with many details in this thread where your own behaviour was rather unpleasant. But you seem utterly oblivious to your own faults, whilst seemingly expecting everyone else in your life to be absolutely perfect in how they treat you. Your responses also suggest this, you’re completely dismissing any calls for self awareness. Everyone is a human, same as you are, with some flaws and some good points.

there could be many examples but take the car passing where you ignored her. You have a whole host of reasons of why it was absolutely fine that you did that. But I’m sure that if your mum had ignored you in the same way back on 6th October 1979, you would be obsessing over how abhorrent it was today.

AngelofIslington · 26/10/2025 14:20

Op you are answering questions, with vivid clarity, about what happened 40 years ago but have ignored everyone about your life now and what you have done to resolve any issues.
Are you unhappy with your life now?

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:13

EdithBond · 26/10/2025 08:43

I agree with @FigAboutTheRules.

The issue is your mum’s alcoholism and abuse. And that you felt you had to do something you didn’t want to do (e.g. go to the cinema and develop a friendship with someone) because your parents and grandparents expected/told you to.

It sounds like you’re were too unconfident or afraid to exercise autonomy and say you didn’t want to. At 10 (and certainly as teenagers) most kids will be assertive when they don’t want to do something. Unless brought up in an authoritarian, controlling family where there’s an atmosphere (or even threat) you have to do as you’re told, without question or discussion.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you seek therapy. The ‘forced’ friendship has clearly affected you. Has it affected your approach to friendships and relationships as an adult?

Show quote history

Yes that’s the thing. My mother constantly called me ‘spoilt’. If I’d refused the invitation to the cinema with Anna I was worried that she’d throw the same insult at me again

Just for context - about a year prior to this in my lovely Anna free days - my mum got 2 sisters who lived near me down to play one weekend. She’d gone behind my back and phoned them. One of them was my classmate and her sister was 2 years older. We hadn’t fallen out or anything but my mothers sudden ‘calling them down’ struck me as weird because although we got along ok I never ‘played’ with the older sister who at the time would’ve been 12 to our 10. I felt this was overbearing of my mum so in order to resist it even j saw both of them I said

“I must go and practise piano”

the girls disappeared home immediately and my mother was cross I’d acted like this. When she saw me then do something else she said “you said you wanted to practise piano now DO it”

OP posts:
TakenewNn · 26/10/2025 14:13

You mention that her father was a doctor and very snobby, and clearly wealthy enough that his wife could be a sahm. Did your parents look up to them and your friendship with Anna was their ticket into an “elevated” society?

CatAsstrophe · 26/10/2025 14:05

Howmanycatsistoomany · 26/10/2025 10:19

My parents forced me to to go out with our fucking creep of a neighbour when I was 14 and he was 38! You think you were violated?

That's awful @Howmanycatsistoomany I'm so sorry you were forced to do that. It's so disgusting and violating Flowers

@Overlenders You framing being forced to be friends with someone at the age of 11 as 'appalling' and a 'violation' is so far off the mark from real violation. Being angry over something so minor for 40 years plus indicates there's something else going on.

Your definition of violation minimises experiences of others who have truly been violated as children. I experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse from my parents. That's violation.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:03

EmeraldJeanie · 26/10/2025 08:42

I find myself curious about Anna. Sounds like it was arranged for her as well. Are you in touch at all now?
I am in my late 50s. As a child I occasionally stayed with my Granny and she used to be concerned that I needed 'young' company. I didn't! Myself and a fellow victim Jane forced together. We didn't dislike each other but interactions a bit awkward. We both knew what was happening but played nice! Different to ops situation as happened only a handful of times.

Yes I feel it was a contrived friendship for Anna too tbh and I don’t know whose idea it was. I don’t know who instigated it - my or her parents. No we aren’t in touch now.

In once asked my dad around 10 years ago

“was the relationship with Anna Taylor contrived?” and my Dad just smiled, looked sheepish and looked away

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 13:56

Is all this ruminating over events 40 years ago making you happy op?

Because that’s all that really matters.

im a similar age and I couldn’t even really tell you what happened when I was a teenager with any particular certainty, because it doesn’t matter. I’m busy enjoying my life and what someone said or didn’t say 40 years ago is irrelevant.

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