Page 2 | To be furious about this?

Overlenders · 2025-10-26T07:55:49+00:00

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away. This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city. one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other. my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together. about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no. the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy. anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m “I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even. my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today” and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school. AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc. AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need. Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm. i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’ AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ? I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:59

Ivy888 · 27/10/2025 08:55

Op, a few people have asked you whether you have therapy to help you work through this. You havn’t answered but I’m guessing the answer is no, as you are clearly consumed by details of things that happened more than 40 years ago and you are not reflecting upon the situation, just laying all the blame on your mum. You really should get therapy, just to help you move on and not let this consume your life. The way you’re focussing on all the details of how your mum was a bad mum is not doing you any good. You need to find find a way of accepting that this is something that happened and it was in the past. As horrible as the experience was for you. You still have another 30 or more years to live. Do you really want to continue being consumed by something that happened more than 40 years ago? You need to shift your focus towards what you have now. You have 2 children. Hopefully you managed to raise them differently. Hopefully you have a good relationship with them. Hopefully you have a loving partner and a healthy marriage (or are a happy single). Hopefully you have a few friends who are dead to you. If you don’t have all of that, work on achieving that. That isn’t going to happen by being consumed by your horrible childhood.

Yes fair enough .. and

no, I haven’t had therapy

OP posts:

Ivy888 · 27/10/2025 08:55

Op, a few people have asked you whether you have therapy to help you work through this. You havn’t answered but I’m guessing the answer is no, as you are clearly consumed by details of things that happened more than 40 years ago and you are not reflecting upon the situation, just laying all the blame on your mum. You really should get therapy, just to help you move on and not let this consume your life. The way you’re focussing on all the details of how your mum was a bad mum is not doing you any good. You need to find find a way of accepting that this is something that happened and it was in the past. As horrible as the experience was for you. You still have another 30 or more years to live. Do you really want to continue being consumed by something that happened more than 40 years ago? You need to shift your focus towards what you have now. You have 2 children. Hopefully you managed to raise them differently. Hopefully you have a good relationship with them. Hopefully you have a loving partner and a healthy marriage (or are a happy single). Hopefully you have a few friends who are dead to you. If you don’t have all of that, work on achieving that. That isn’t going to happen by being consumed by your horrible childhood.

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:45

Ivy888 · 27/10/2025 08:41

Your mother was trying to teach you a valuable life lesson here. It’s weird to keep phoning someone when they’ve already said no. That’s like stalking someone. It sounds like you have difficulties reading the room. And it sounds like your mum was trying to help you see that. It didn’t develop as a result of your mum. Your mum was trying to help you. It could very well be that she was not great at parenting and didn’t give the amount of attention she should have to help you, but she was 100% right to tell you to stop ringing this girl.

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Yes I TOTALLY agree it was wrong of me to keep ringing this girl. BUT the issue here is my mum wouldn’t let me say no and forced me with other kids. So I learned from my mum that friendships were something done out of obligation and not cos you actively wanted to do them. So I phoned this girl 4 times simply because if I’m forced into friendships and not allowed to say no - then other people are exactly the same!

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Ivy888 · 27/10/2025 08:41

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 04:07

The other thing about my mum forcing me into a friendship that had a bad effect on me - this actually wasn’t the only friendship she forced. She did this even more directly once on holiday, possibly because on holiday I was a captive audience, and called me selfish for not, in her opinion, being genuinely sociable enough

The unfortunate effect of this was I was brought up, essentially, to see friendships as a thing of obligation. Because of this - aged about 14 - I myself used to ask other kids out repeatedly and phone them repeatedly despite being told “no” 4 times! The psychology behind this was my mum had brought me up to feel that friendships were a thing of obligation rather than actively wanting a friendship iyswim.

There was one girl Claire if I phoned 4 times and my mum said

“Don’t phone her - not if you’ve had 3 refusals!” - so I thought because I was obligated by my mum to do friendships then so was everyone else!

Forcing friendships and using words like ‘selfish’ for perceived lack of sociability is damaging - it really is

Edited

Your mother was trying to teach you a valuable life lesson here. It’s weird to keep phoning someone when they’ve already said no. That’s like stalking someone. It sounds like you have difficulties reading the room. And it sounds like your mum was trying to help you see that. It didn’t develop as a result of your mum. Your mum was trying to help you. It could very well be that she was not great at parenting and didn’t give the amount of attention she should have to help you, but she was 100% right to tell you to stop ringing this girl.

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:31

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 08:27

Then it seems a strange choice of word.

what I was trying to get at in this detail in to minutiae, is I think the way for you out of this is not cast 100% of the blame in your mothers direction, but rather think through your own part too.

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Yes I agree it seems a strange choice of word

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arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 08:27

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:19

No that’s the thing - it didn’t impact her

i was the type of kid who loved just watching TV and reading and could easily amuse myself

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Then it seems a strange choice of word.

what I was trying to get at in this detail in to minutiae, is I think the way for you out of this is not cast 100% of the blame in your mothers direction, but rather think through your own part too.

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:19

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 08:16

Ok. So how did that impact her?

I take it that by your not socialising it meant she never got any peace/space at all from you and craved it?

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No that’s the thing - it didn’t impact her

i was the type of kid who loved just watching TV and reading and could easily amuse myself

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arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 08:16

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:13

She called me selfish cos generally speaking she didn’t think I socialised enough

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Ok. So how did that impact her?

I take it that by your not socialising it meant she never got any peace/space at all from you and craved it?

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:13

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 08:08

Ok. So what did you do that made her describe you as selfish? It’s a fairly descriptive word to describe behaviour that would benefit you but negatively impact her.

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She called me selfish cos generally speaking she didn’t think I socialised enough

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arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 08:08

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:56

I wasn’t in the hotel room both me and my mum were round the swimming pool

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Ok. So what did you do that made her describe you as selfish? It’s a fairly descriptive word to describe behaviour that would benefit you but negatively impact her.

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 08:02

sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 08:00

Ok so do you blame Anna for your friendships with the other children reducing? If so is that because you spent so much time with her you didn't have time for other friends? Every day?

How have you got on with friendships since stopping seeing Anna?

No I don’t blame Anna for other friendships reducing but I do blame her for me having less time to read and watch TV!!

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sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 08:00

Ok so do you blame Anna for your friendships with the other children reducing? If so is that because you spent so much time with her you didn't have time for other friends? Every day?

How have you got on with friendships since stopping seeing Anna?

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:56

sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 07:52

You said you had friends in school but didn't see them out of school.

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Sorry to be confusing

I saw them out of school at 11 but not at 13

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Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:56

sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 07:52

You said you had friends in school but didn't see them out of school.

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Yes true

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Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:56

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 07:52

so from your mums side from the examples you were up at 4am to write:

She took you on holiday, but you refused to come out of the hotel room, she didn’t want to leave you there alone, so you all were stuck in the hotel. She’s right, that is selfish.

she correctly tried to help you by saying you don’t call someone 4 times when they’ve rejected you, but that is also her fault.

suggesting a walk is a good idea to a child who doesn’t exercise.

it sounds like your mum walked on absolute eggs shells around you, it seems you behaved fairly badly, and woe betide she called you out on it by accurately describing your behaviour.

I wasn’t in the hotel room both me and my mum were round the swimming pool

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Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 07:52

Why is your relationship like with your children?

sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 07:52

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:47

I did have friends in school though!!

my kids are 26 and 27

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You said you had friends in school but didn't see them out of school.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 07:52

so from your mums side from the examples you were up at 4am to write:

She took you on holiday, but you refused to come out of the hotel room, she didn’t want to leave you there alone, so you all were stuck in the hotel. She’s right, that is selfish.

she correctly tried to help you by saying you don’t call someone 4 times when they’ve rejected you, but that is also her fault.

suggesting a walk is a good idea to a child who doesn’t exercise.

it sounds like your mum walked on absolute eggs shells around you, it seems you behaved fairly badly, and woe betide she called you out on it by accurately describing your behaviour.

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:49

sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 07:33

I think your update explains the problem - you didn't have other friends outside school so your mum was trying to help you make friends.

I think your energy would be better spent reflecting why you struggled so much to make friends at school that were willing to hang out with you. I had a similar problem and only realised I am ND when my children were diagnosed.

How old are your children. Do they also struggle with friendships? How do you get on with friendships these days? ND issues are highly genetic so perhaps this is also something your mum struggled with - there is, for example, a strong link between ADHD and addictions.

Sorry just to provide more context - although I’d didn’t like school I did have friends there and when my mum pushed Anna on me I was staring to enjoy independent time with them - down the park etc

OP posts:

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 07:48

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:47

I did have friends in school though!!

my kids are 26 and 27

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What’s your relationship like with your children Op?

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 07:47

sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 07:33

I think your update explains the problem - you didn't have other friends outside school so your mum was trying to help you make friends.

I think your energy would be better spent reflecting why you struggled so much to make friends at school that were willing to hang out with you. I had a similar problem and only realised I am ND when my children were diagnosed.

How old are your children. Do they also struggle with friendships? How do you get on with friendships these days? ND issues are highly genetic so perhaps this is also something your mum struggled with - there is, for example, a strong link between ADHD and addictions.

I did have friends in school though!!

my kids are 26 and 27

OP posts:

sunshine244 · 27/10/2025 07:33

I think your update explains the problem - you didn't have other friends outside school so your mum was trying to help you make friends.

I think your energy would be better spent reflecting why you struggled so much to make friends at school that were willing to hang out with you. I had a similar problem and only realised I am ND when my children were diagnosed.

How old are your children. Do they also struggle with friendships? How do you get on with friendships these days? ND issues are highly genetic so perhaps this is also something your mum struggled with - there is, for example, a strong link between ADHD and addictions.

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 05:53

NewbieSM · 27/10/2025 04:40

Op go touch some grass and grow up. You are a middle aged mother now why does any of this matter anymore? Sounds like you don’t have much going on in your current life and are latching on to this relic from your distant past. You aren’t severely damaged by having a contrived childhood friend fgs. If this is the biggest problem in your life consider yourself very fortunate.

Oh dear lord, the OP is a mother???

Original poster

Overlenders · 27/10/2025 04:57

Blueblell · 26/10/2025 09:40

Are you still friends? Any chance you are secretly related to this girl

No we aren’t still friends

For all the people that have said that I could be related to her - she could be a product of an extra marital affair - well, of course I’m open minded enough to the fact that it’s always possible, anything’s possible, but in this case I’m 99.9% sure this isn’t the case here. For a start she was born in a completely different part of the country from where we were living at the time - she only came to live in my area later. Added to this is the fact that given the personalities involved iI don’t think it’s the case .

But of course - always a possibility - however unlikely

OP posts:

NewbieSM · 27/10/2025 04:40

Op go touch some grass and grow up. You are a middle aged mother now why does any of this matter anymore? Sounds like you don’t have much going on in your current life and are latching on to this relic from your distant past. You aren’t severely damaged by having a contrived childhood friend fgs. If this is the biggest problem in your life consider yourself very fortunate.