Dreading Christmas without DH

Sorry for your loss OP. After my sister's DH died she threw herself into baking cupcakes. She went to classes to learn icing techniques. It kept her busy and the classes meant she was not alone so much. Everyone will find a different way to cope and get through the festive season. A holiday might be nice especially if you have always been the one to cook in the past. You might feel you just want a very quiet Xmas. Do what makes you feel less bad.

I was dreading it but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I did Christmas from December 1st to January 1st in previous years . That year I still decorated the house because it made me feel better to have it looking twinkly. I realised that the shops are open/ people are working/ children are at school until very near Christmas day so there are things to do to distract all the time if you look for them .Christmas day was difficult but not as bad as I thought. Boxing day a lot of things were open again and Christmas was over if you wanted it to be which I very much did that year. The following year was easier

I have no advice but I want to send you my sympathy & a big hug, Christmas is just impossible to get away from isn't it? Xx

I lost my big brother very unexpectedly age 41 two weeks ago today and I can't stand the thought of Christmas. Life & celebrations change forever when we lose someone we love and enjoyed celebrating special occasions with.

Sending you a handhold OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Do whatever you have to to get through it and don't feel that you have to be cheerful or put a brave face on. It's ok to say this is shit and have a good cry. I've really struggled with Christmas since I lost my dad, I just don't enjoy it all and feel relief when the day is over for another year! I just find it so exhausting and stressful. Going to be kind to myself this year and do as little as possible!

Huge sympathy op.
I lost DH the beginning of last year and the run up to Christmas was awful. My family all rallied around and made it nice for DC, so it was a nice day, actually far better than I’d anticipated.
This year they all have plans, so it’s just me and (late teen/young adult) DC. I’ve just told them it will only be us and they are really upset. I’m dreading the day already.
I’m already looking ahead to when they have their own families and it will just be me. I miss him so much.

I cancelled a Christmas in its entirety when my dog died in the November so this is orders of magnitude worse OP, if you can cancel altogether then do. Massive hugs.

There's a lot of pressure to have a wonderful family Christmas. Many, many people struggle with this, for loads of reasons

Head down, power through it. Brighter days ahead

Also- I am not sure if this helps or not, but saying it anyway- don’t be fooled that everyone else is having the time of their lives with a big, happy, healthy family. So many people have bitter sweet emotions around Christmas, either because they’ve lost loved ones, have tricky relationships with them or are lonely. So if you think you’re the only person feeling shit about Christmas, rest assured you’re not.

I lost my mum (while still young) at Christmas. We coped with the following year by making it as different as possible from previous years. Trying to follow the same traditions with an empty chair would have been too upsetting to contemplate. So my advice would be, firstly, keep your expectations very low. Focus on getting through. Try to think of how you can spend the time in ways that will give you some pleasure, which may or may not be 'christmassy'. Have a plan that will keep you busy if busy helps, and/or allows you space and peace with your thoughts and memories. The usual advice about focusing on your health and well-being being is also very important.
I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you peace in the now, and hope for happiness in the future.

Really sorry to hear this.

I think- to manage expectations- first Christmas after the death of a loved one is always going to be bloody awful. No way around it. From experience it will get better but it will never feel quite the same. I have a similar situation. That said since our family loss I have definitely found joy in parts of Christmas overall and in a way I can kind of appreciate the memories I have with them and the fact that Christmas brings them back more acutely. But I am further along than you.

I think- with the expectation that nothing is going to be amazingly effective- it is better to do something completely different the first year- as others have said. Holiday in the sun, walking near the sea, forgetting it’s happening if you can (Saudi??). I personally found that holing myself up and doing nothing made me feel worse so I was better keeping busy. But remember this will be the hardest and it will get better.

very different circumstances, but my husband died last October, so I absolutely understand. I did feel slightly better about it once I had made some plans, so at least I knew what I was doing. I spent New Year alone by choice. So my advice would be to work out what you will do, and it will pass.

Op sending you the biggest of virtual hugs x

(((OP)))

Please tell people close to you how you’re feeling so they can support you.

another one voting to change your Christmas completely so it doesn’t feel like he’s missing. Going away somewhere hot and not Christian would be where I’d start.

So sorry for your loss.

I do feel for you it must be very difficult.
Do you have children? If so they may be feeling the same as you about Xmas so maybe have a chat with them and ask them what they’d like to do?

Do what you need to do to get through Xmas. It’s so hard, as others have said maybe something totally different, or do you want the comfort of being at home even if it’s hideous at the same time, my darling MIL very much went through the motions after losing FIL, that first Xmas, but she wanted us all there, even if it was difficult.

My sympathies, I became a widow suddenly a few months ago. We have children, the thought of Christmas makes me want to vomit.

I wish this years could just be cancelled but simultaneously know I need to make it ‘happy’ for my children.
I hate this.

Sending a handhold

It would be strange if you didn’t feel overwhelmed about it I think.

I think I’d have a sit and think about what you would like to do, all the options. And then think about how to facilitate that.

It’s not the same of course, but my dad died when I was 18 and we had always had Christmas at home and that first year we went to my mum’s brothers for Christmas. Then we went to Tenerife for new year. My mum, my sister and I. Both of these things were unprecedented. Especially the week in Tenerife. We had never done anything like that before but I look back on both events fondly now. It was nice to feel involved and busy on Christmas Day and also wonderful to have that time away, just the three of us together. What I remember is nit having to talk about my dad to other people that week. Not having to explain to strangers or to have to make other people more comfortable about what had happened.

From experience OP, all the ‘firsts’ following a bereavement are incredibly difficult. First Christmas, first wedding anniversary, first birthday, all really difficult. But it will get easier. Not so that you never feel sad again, but definitely don’t feel that overwhelming despair that comes with losing someone. You’ll get through this with support from friends and family. ❤️

I’m in the same boat, my sympathies are with you. I would normally be getting excited with the children at this time of year but am filled with dread instead.

Could you plan a completely different Christmas this year?
This might help the feelings of dread as it approaches

Sending you lots of handholds and hugs. Another widow here that hears you. Please surround yourself in the bosom of your family and friends and I hope that along with the tears you can spend time sharing memories and funny stories of your beloved DH. X

I'm so sorry OP, I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

I know it's not the same sort of loss, and that this might not be an option for you, but we lost my Mum in May and none of us can stand the idea of spending Christmas at home without her so my sisters, Dad and I are all going away somewhere sunny for Christmas.
I have to get back for work in January but my sisters are going on somewhere else with Dad for another two weeks after the first destination too.
I think we might do this next year too. He mentioned New Zealand to me last night.
Christmas will never be the same again without Mum but we're planning to make new traditions together.
Can you go away somewhere you've always wanted to visit, either with people or not. Maybe somewhere where Christmas is a bit easier to escape?
Sending you a hand hold xxx