To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

But what you’re essentially saying is that if you aren’t wealthy enough to pay for all of your friends to have a meal then you don’t deserve to celebrate your birthday in public.
It’s a pretty disgusting attitude tbh.

Again, going out for a meal in a restaurant is not the same as having a party at your house. Why is that so difficult to understand.

Happy Birthday OP 🥳 😊..
It’s my 50th on the 11th November, my Birthday Dinner is Sat 8th , there is 12 of us & everyone pays their own , this is how we always do things & mine is kindly paid for .. I’ll buy wine for the table ..
I don’t actually invite anyone, it’s put in our group chat whoever’s birthday it is & where it has been booked 😊

For my 30th we had dinner out at a cheapish restaurant, everyone paid for themselves. However, I did put money to wards bottles of wine on the table so everyone got at least a drink.

I couldn't have afforded to pay for everyone but I just wanted to spend time with the poeple that mattered to me.

If I can put it this way - if it was your birthday and you invited people to your house to celebrate, would you not feel the need to provide them with something, knowing they would be bringing gifts?

I'm saying, if you have a set grouo and this is what you do, then fair enough. You all know each other and that is your tradition.

When DH and I go out for dinner with other couples generally, we'll all pay for our own. But if someone decides they want to organise a birthday dinner, they would pay. This has been the case since we were in our 20s.

Cost is relative. We all have things we'd like to do but can't afford.

So it’s ‘each to their own’ or it’s entitled and crass.
Which is it?

The way I see it is that if people make the effort to come out at my request and bring gifts, I want to give them something back.

I do understand if you're in a small-ish group of friends and the tradition is you go for dinner on birthdays and all pay for your own. If that's what you do and everyone prefers that, then each to their own.

However, I don't think the accusations of 'tone deaf' or ''you don't get it because you're rich' are entirely fair either. It's all relative, after all. I mean, in the scenario above, most of our friends wouldn't be bothered about paying £50 plus for dinner on a hotel for my birthday. But that's not the point - I would never dream of asking people to do that, as a matter of principle. It would feel entitled and crass. I wouldn't have a good time at all if I thought it was at other people's expense.

I agree with you there. I couldn't be bothered to post on that thread either. Our group meals out tend to be at the local Indian or Italian or mutually agreed pub where people choose their own meals and we all know we are going to paying for our own food.

That scenario is entirely different and cheeky.

Yes, I couldn't be bothered to post on that thread.

I agree with @RampantIvy. I am much older now but when many of my friends were 50, they were under the cosh of teenagers and school fees and uni expenses.

If a group of friends decide to go out for a birthday, it's customary to pay for one's own meal. The birthday person might buy some wine but it tends to be reciprocated. I have a dear friend who I see for lunch 2/3 times a year and we take it in turns to pay.

It's quite different from sending an invitation to a party or event which is usually on the host and those who accept are guests.

At 50 people have another 18 years of work ahead of them and often 10 to 15 of mortgage. Teenagers are far more expensive than younger children.

There is a thread now from someone turning 50. She fancies inviting 40 or so people out to lunch in a hotel room. She is asking if she is reasonable or unreasonable to charge all these people £50 per head, plus whatever they have to drink. Oh, and if they want to stay the night in the hotel they are free to do so. How magnanimous.

To my mind, this would be the height of entitlement. Just because you have a wish for a particular party, why shouid everyone else pay for it? And bring gifts too! I can't understand this mentality at all.

And my friendship group is older, yet we all still pay for ourselves regardless of how much money we have. Maybe it's a Yorkshire thing. It's just customary in my circles.

You can't reason with the tone deaf.

My friend is 45. Don’t assume only young people are facing financial challenges. It’s so ignorant of you.

What is the shit date. OP is deliberately avoiding telling us. It's not lead up to Christmas and is a Saturday. 26th is a Saturday and 3rd Jan and 14th Feb. I'm going with 26th especially with post about engineering works and reduced public transport. In Ireland 26th is a huge going out night so no way you wouldn't of been out on your birthday here if it was 26th. But UK different and probably not so much.
We do birthday meals where you pay for yourself all the time. But not a fixed contribution. Just pay for what you order.

I agree there are some unpleasant attitudes here but I don't think it's just an income thing. Plenty of my friends are relatively comfortable financially and I guess could technically afford to pay for everyone, they just wouldn't think of doing so because we've never done it that way and I doubt anyone thinks the current system needs 'fixing'. I think it's more generational (possibly regional or class based etc as well)? My dad found the idea of everyone paying separately incredibly awkward and embarrassing, so someone always had to pay the whole bill at any family or group dinner. But no one I know of my own generation would see it that way.

I guess in your friend's situation, if you all have an understanding and you know he wants to go out for dinner, then that's that. I guess he doesn't go out often, based on what you describe.

In OP's case however, she can afford it. She is 50 years old, not 20 and starting out in life. Her parents must be elderly. If you can't treat your family and friends on your 50th in some way (doesn't have to be dinner), then I think that's a shame.

The "you invite, you pay" is fine if you are wealthy, but most of us are not.

The overprivileged on this thread obviously have no idea that most people are happy to join their friends and pay for their own meals, and their rigid insistence that poor people aren't allowed to have birthdays says a lot about them.

Rubbish! Yes of course it’s lovely if the host is able to cover everyone’s meals but is absolutely not the norm.

So poor people can't arrange to meet up with friends for a meal for their birthday then? And lots of restaurants will close because only wealthy people will be able to eat out with their friends on their birthday.

Your logic is flawed and you are tone deaf.

So only wealthy people get to celebrate their birthday in a restaurant? What an unpleasant attitude.

The OP is fine she should enjoy her birthday and not pay

I’ve never come across the birthday bit/ girl paying before! In my friend and family group everyone pays for themselves- and they might split the birthday boy/ girls bill between them too!

Me too, I'm 47 and it's always been that we pay for ourselves if we go out, just dinner parties at home that we pay for the whole meal. But my dad and uncle are very much of the mind that the invitee pays.