To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

However the difference is you appear to suggest that your way is the only way

You keep telling me to be flexible @RampantIvy, but I am not the one who called you "thick as mince" for disagreeing with me. You can disagree with me all you like. I am being honest about what is etiquette in our circles and my opinion. Sorry if you don't like it. I've repeatedly said I don't speak for you, and more than you speak for me.

So, what you are saying is that it is just a matter of opinion. There are no hard and fast rules, which is what you have been implying all through this thread - that your way is the only right way. It isn't. It is just one way.

And it isn't etiquette.

You need to be more flexible and accepting of how other people do things.

People host events in all manner of venues all the time, what are you on about?

You can choose to foot the bill but you cant host in a public restaurant you don’t own where there are other people present 😂😂

I disagree @HighLadyofTheNightCourt . If I, or DH, decide to invite friends to a venue of our choice for a birthday or other occasion relevant to us or our kids, we are hosting. It's not that hard to understand really is it.

If you have a different approach with your friends that has nothing to do with me.,

Unless you own the restaurant you aren’t the host. You’re a customer like everyone else.

I had 2 parties for my 50th, one a joint one abroad with DP for 75 and we did ask each of them to pay 50 euros each, but that was for 3 courses, canapes, and loads of amazing wine and booze. Then we all danced after dinner. Nobody seemed to mind. I then had a party on my actual birthday a few weeks later in London, and it was a free bar and canapes for 150, again, lots of dancing and singing... so I did both, and both parties were very fun. I don't usually celebrate my birthday but after a very tough decade, I wanted to do this one.
I think either is fine as long as you communicate it clearly, then people have a chance to back out if they don't want to pay, which is totally fair enough.

I am being asked about my reasoning, so I'm replying to that. I'm not talking about you or what you may or may not do @RampantIvy . If you think hosting in a house is totally different to hosting in a restaurant, you think that. To me, it's no different.

@minveeall of your examples are quite extreme

If I invite someone to my house I am the host. You seem to have difficulty separating that from meeting friends in a restaurant. I am not the host in a restaurant.

You have a very rigid way of thinking. I have no difficulty accepting that you and your friends have the disposable income to treat each other. Can you not reciprocate this understanding that most people don't?

But all I can tell you is, if we ask someone to our home, they are our guest. If we ask people out to dinner, they are also our guest. I really don't know what else to tell you

The difference is that most of us don't view our friends as guests when eating out, even if it is for a birthday. You clearly do. Your way is not the only right way. You need to be less narrow minded about how other people like to celebrate with their friends.

No, I said if I am inviting someone to something, I will provide the 'something.'

I don't know anyone who would think otherwise.

It's the expectation of reciprocity that makes it transactional.

And you literally said that even if doing something as informal as meeting for a chat on a park bench you feel you would have to "make it worth their while" by bringing them free food and drink to get a friend to show up, which is just depressing.

If you honestly "just wanted to treat" people who were special to you then you would make a point of saying YOU always pay for them but you wouldn't expect them to pay for you. So in OPs case you would have replied "well I'd pay for my friends, but if you were my friend inviting me out I'd pay for myself." Not "OF COURSE you should pay."

@Squirrelmirrel - I wouldn't particularly care. It would totally depend on the context.

The last time this happened was about 15 years ago with this woman who, I have to say, was a bit strange. She was following me around, but this was when the kids were young and I thought she was quite harmless and a bit lonely and just wanted company for her kids. One day she caught me in the street on a Friday afternoon, saying please come to my DH's birthday get-together tomorrow, it's in this room above a pub. Well I just assumed we could pop in for an hour on our way out of town, say hi, have a drink and leave, because this room gets used by lots of people for buffet / drinks type events (I'd even used it myself for that purpose).

But, when we get there, she had the room set up for dinner for about 20 people. So we felt obliged to sit there for hours, eat a three-course dinner. Bear in mind we have 4 kids and they were all bored and the food wasn't really their thing. We didn't know any of her other friends. And then, as we were leaving, she asked us for about £250. We thought we were just dropping by for a drink!

So that behaviour, to me, is extremely rude because she shouid have at least mentioned it was a formal dinner. She just wanted us to make up numbers, I think.

On the other hand, I have 5 girlfriends from uni and we meet up regularly. We'd been talking about going back for a weekend in our old uni town for ages, but never got round to it with kids etc. But when it was one of their 50th's, we did it. We all paid for our own accommodation and the friend bought dinner on the Saturday night. It was a great weekend.

Apologies if this has already been asked but how would you feel if someone else invited you out for their birthday meal and you were expected to cover the cost of your meal?

Nobody I know would expect to turn up to someone’s birthday meal and have it paid for. The expectation would be that they’d be paying for their own food and drinks and might even chip in to pay for the birthday girl/boy.
My friends would be deeply uncomfortable with someone paying hundreds of pounds for a meal on their own birthday. It would change the dynamic of the friendship because some of the group could never, ever be able to reciprocate.

Same here. It would seem incredibly forced and uncomfortable in my group.

Fascinated by this whole debate. Do people not do anything as a group unless one person pays for it all - see a film at the cinema, go to the theatre etc?

I couldn't see going to see a film at the Odeon as me "hosting" them - if I suggested this to friends I think they'd think I was delusional!

If I expected friends to pay for their dinner, at a venue I had arranged, it would feel, TO ME, as if I was charging them, rather than hosting them.

You may feel differently, that's up to you.

All this talk about my attitude being 'transactional' or whatever, says more about you and your 'comprehension skills' than it does about me.

Wanting to host people is not 'transactional.' To me, it's just basic.

Between DH and I, we share mixed cultures of Spanish, Indian and Iranian between us and we have friends all over London from many, many backgrounds. From friends going back to uni, through people we have worked with across the years, people we have met through the kids, hobbies, friends locally to us. Nothing is 'transactional' with any of them. It's more as you get older, you can't be out all across London every night. Well I can't, because I don't have the energy. So for us, I guess we've become more selective in terms of people we see more regularly. Socialising is one thing. But all I can tell you is, if we ask someone to our home, they are our guest. If we ask people out to dinner, they are also our guest. I really don't know what else to tell you.

The vibe I’m getting is that some people view celebrating with friends as a chore so there needs to be an incentive to attend. Hence all the talk of it being ‘worthwhile’ and being ‘charged’ to attend. Even though that makes zero sense because that’s not what’s happening. It’s not a ticketed event 😂

I think minvee struggles to understand that other people do things differently to her, and thinks that her way is the only right way. Maybe reading comprehension is not her strong point.

Also, it is nothing to do with etiquette, but what is common practice in your friendship group.

They aren’t ’charging’ you though. You aren’t buying a ticket 🙄
You’re literally paying for the food you eat and the drinks you drink. You’re paying the restaurant not the person.

Well I suppose it would depend on the person. But that's true, whether they're paying or not. It's more about making the effort to go, or where it is, as opposed to money. Or who else is going, maybe? I can't actually remember the last time anyone had a birthday dinner and charged people though.

I see friends for dinner all the time, just for general socialising or catch-ups, and we split bills, as I've said.

But would you go? I don’t think you actually answered that question so I can see why the assumption is that you wouldn’t go.

@Missj25 - "If you were asked to your friends bday unless she was paying you wouldn’t go .."

No I have not said that. Anywhere.

What I have said is that, in my circles, people do not host dinners and ask guests to pay. That's just how it is.