My mind is a bit blown by reading all the comments! I’ve taken them on board and thought about it and would have to say in my circle of friends we’ve always just paid for our own meals if we’ve gone out, even it’s for a special birthday, or paid for our own and also chipped in for the birthday persons meal. Nobody has ever questioned that! The reason I wasn’t sure what to do is cos my SIL paid for her partners 60th meal for about 20 folk but that was a set meal in a private room in a restaurant. It was the first time in my entire life someone had done that and I remember feeling quite mortified that she had paid so much for us all.
That’s the only occasion though and I honestly think if, after 50 years of being on this planet and going out with friends for meals, I was to suddenly say I’m paying for them ALL, they would say no you’re not, they’d insist on sending me money after it, and my pals who are struggling financially may feel under pressure to do the same. I’d also worry I was coming across as flash!
As I said up thread it’s ended up not being just one dinner out with 15 folk but now 3 diff meals out with 3 different friend groups, roughly adding up to 15 folk. One group said THEY want to take me out for dinner, and I remember when we went for one of their 50th meals we all paid for our own meal in a restaurant so I think they’d be like WTAF if I declared I was paying for everyone. Another friend group always just splits the bill equally too and has done for years, we did this at a recent 50th birthday meal. The other friend group isn’t so clear as it’s old work pals and some of their big birthdays have been in private venues or homes so they’ve paid for that. But the way I see it is that hiring a venue with finger food etc or hosting at home is very different to all going out for a meal in a restaurant. And if they really don’t want to go they don’t have to!
I agree with folk who say that a dinner with pals in a restaurant isn’t a formal ‘invitation’ thing, it’s being arranged on WhatsApp with folk having a say where we will eat etc. We’ve chosen somewhere that’s not crazy prices, that everyone knows and loves. I’ve said no gifts please and it’s just a way to catch up with good friends and I plan at all the diff meals to pay for all the drinks which feels like a good middle ground.
I can’t have it at home as I live quite far from many people and also don’t live in a big house. My main thing is to see it as an excuse to catch up with friends I’ve not seen for years and I’d hope none of them would only want to go if it was all transactional!
Incidentally everyone seems so excited just to catch up with each other and that’s the main reason we are meeting up, it’s long overdue with some groups and if they feel utterly offended if they then have to pay for their food in a restaurant then I think that would be weird as I would personally never ever feel like that if I went to someone’s birthday meal!