To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt - no it's not a big deal. But still, hosting a birthday party in a restaurant for 20, 30, 50 people who don't necessarily know each other, is different to rocking up with a handful of your close girlfriends who you've known since the year dot.

So, genuinely, if I said that (and paid for the sausage rolls), would you view it as hosting? That I had hosted an event at the venue of Greggs?

Not outrageous, but the two things that stand out for me on that list are the host handling the coats and bags - just would never happen at any of the restaurant meals I’ve ever been to, regardless of the restaurant or who is paying - and the managing the conversation, which sounds more like facilitating a meeting.

Oops. Edited because I responded to the wrong poster.
Apologies @HighLadyofTheNightCourt

Go ahead and host at Greg's @YouMightLikeCats. Just remember to not expect your friends to pay for their sausage rolls.

Big it doesn’t have to be a big deal or made into a formal event. You introduce people and let them chat. The situation doesn’t really need managing beyond that.

As is the, "everyone is just so delighted to see each other anyway." That may well be, but they can do that any day of the week.

The OP has said they can't. Why so insistent that you know OP's situation better than she does, minvee? That's incredibly crass.

Ok, that's you @RampantIvy, but obviously other people do sometimes host people from different areas of their life who don't know each other and wouldn't be there except for the mutual connection, so being that mutual connection, you have to make a bit of an effort at least.

I love this pretending that you are involved in 'hosting' when you turn up somewhere as a group. This is going to be my new thing!

Anyone want to watch Dirty Dancing at the Imax? I'm hosting!
Anyone want to come and play Crazy Golf afterwards? I'm hosting!
Anyone want to get a sausage roll at Greggs at lunchtime? I'm hosting!

If I’ve booked a table at a restaurant and people are ordering off the main menu then I don’t need to inform the restaurant of dietary requirements as the individual can do that when ordering their own food.
I wouldn’t take their costs and bags and walk them to the table and I don’t need to be reminded not to get flustered. Any issue with the food is the restaurant’s responsibility to sort out.

An informal meal doesn’t require all of those rules or to be micro managed.

I have a few different friendship groups so when we do go out everyone knows everyone. I don't do huge gatherings, and don't have parties.

But yes, I would introduce people to each other if they didn't know each other. It's good manners. I would hate for anyone to feel excluded.

It's so easy to scoff but could I ask - what is it that some people actually find so outrageous on that list? If you were hosting a group who didn't all know each other, would you not introduce them, make sure people felt welcome, all had drinks etc. It's just basic stuff really.

The cheap restaurants I frequent are local businesses often family run. I’m happy to support them and my local community ❤️

Excellent, good to know thanks. I don't want to show myself up next time I go out to dinner for my birthday (at a cheap, nasty place according to this poster).

I hope you have a lovely birthday OP

I’m not the OP so not sure why you’ve quoted me.
I’m not mind boggled that people ‘host’ and pay the whole bill.
What does perplex me is that some people feel we should all be living our lives according to debrettes and those who don’t are rude, entitled and crass.

I have a very wide social circle. I have friends from my poor working class past as well as friends from my very, very middle class current life. None of them consult Debrettes before organising a social occasion. People turn up because they like their friends and not because they’re getting a free meal.

It's hardly rude to answer the actual question posed in the subject line of the OP, on a public forum frequented by people from all walks of life.

If the OP didn't want opinions that are outside of her experience, why on earth did she pose the query in the first place? She seems comfortable with her social circle norms.

That's fair enough @CrocusVase. But really, nobody is sending formal invites or standing up and making announcements.

We know people who have taken us on holidays, on private jets, etc etc. Insane wealth that we could never reciprocate. But I also know they aren't doing it to be flash or with any expectations whatsoever, because I've known them for decades and they're just not like that.

I still stand by my view that there is no norm and the etiquette depends on your individual circle,

I agree. What's normal for the Debretts readers is not what's normal for many of us. I don't have a problem with the idea that wealthy people can afford to pay for a groups of friends in a restaurant, and I don't tell them that what they are doing is wrong.

I have a problem with being told that what I and my friendship group do is rude because it isn't. It's common practice and just different from their norm.

And being told that if I can't afford to feed friends in a restaurant then I should just visit a park and share a packet of crisps with my friends is just bonkers. I have a Novemeber birthday, and it isn't going to happen.

If I sent formal invites to my pals and stood up and announced I shall pay for everyone when no one has ever done that before in these circs and with these friends they’d be like ‘WTAF?!’ And I know some would then feel bad if they couldn’t do the same etc.

I think this is the crux of it, really. I still stand by my view that there is no norm and the etiquette depends on your individual circle, but even for those people who seem wedded to the more formal side of things, surely good manners means that you try not to make people feel uncomfortable or bad? Even if good manners means that you have to go outside what you feel is etiquette.

OP, I'm sure your friends are all lovely and genuinely want to be there for you. I don't mean to minimise that and I don't doubt it. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time whatever you do. And of course I recognise that paying for dinner for 15 people is a lot for many people.

But you did ask in AIBU and it's the internet so you will inevitably get a range of perspectives.

And I'm sorry, but I do think the line, "Well they don't actually have to come, do they," or "it's not a summons," or "they're only paying for what they order," etc etc, which I have heard from various people on this thread, (not you specifically), is totally missing the point and a convenient way to evade the issue. You could literally say that about anything. Charge for dinner at your wedding - "oh well, they didn't have to come did they? And they're only paying for what they're eating."

But you know your friends best so I hope you have a fantastic time, whatever you do,

You sound lovely, and so do your friends.

Ignore the rude posters who think you are doing it all wrong. I hope you have a great birthday 🎂

You become more insufferable and ghastly with every post

According to Debretts, tiaras are only for white tie events. I’m tickled at the idea of that poster hosting a white tie event in any of the more casual restaurants my circle tends to go to for meals out.