To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

Tricked I was.

As odd an all as she was you were still at her dinner 😂 😂

The woman was really odd @Missj25 . You sound a bit odd yourself, to be fair.

It’s evident here , i think we can all agree , Minvee has a snooty attitude, & believes if friends are to attend one another’s birthdays it is crass if they have to pay for themselves ( when it really isn’t ) ..
As she has said above , the one time she had to do it , 15 years ago , the woman was strange , that was 💯 a dig ..
Had to pay for dinner , the woman was strange , do you see the connection I’m making ..
Your attitude stinks I’m afraid to say Minvee..
Your ‘circle’ as you call it sounds painful, & I’m so glad to have the real friends that I do in my life ☺️

And I don’t expect a gift, have never given a speech on my birthday and haven’t had ‘happy birthday’ sung to me in public since I was a child 🤷🏼‍♀️

In general, if you just say to friends, "let's go for a pizza on Saturday," you are not hosting because there is no occasion and you're all there just to socialise / fir a catch up.

How about "let's go for a pizza on Saturday because it is my birthday"?

Thanks, so it's more the occasion making it an "event".

In my 30 years as an adult I've only ever had one event where the birthday person has paid and that was, possibly a bit weirdly!, in the same chain place we (family) go for most birthdays out of habit. Just this one time it was a "big" birthday and they said at the end they'd get the bill because of it! So to me the distinctions have always been extremely unclear!

Sorry @YouMightLikeCats . I thought you were on a wind-up.

For me, personally:

If I invite people for brunch or dinner or for a party or whatever at my house, I'm hosting.

If it's my birthday or another occasion and we invite people to celebrate with us somewhere else, to my mind that is our event and we will therefore pay for the guests invited, We would decide how many we can feasibly pay for and that will determine what we do, how and where! The same has always applied - whether it be a kids party at home, at a soft play or pottery place etc etc; an adult birthday party in a restaurant, bar, river boat; a graduation; a wedding or anniversary or whatever the case may be.

Some people on here take the view that you only 'host' if something is in your house, mainly on the basis that people don't expect them to pay in restaurants as it's too expensive and not the done thing in their social circle. I understand this, although I don't see the rigid distinction. Especially as it can actually be more expensive to have a dinner party at home than to host people in a restaurant.

In general, if you just say to friends, "let's go for a pizza on Saturday," you are not hosting because there is no occasion and you're all there just to socialise / fir a catch up. Nobody brings gifts. Nobody sings 'Happy Birthday' or makes a speech. It's just a normal meet-up.

If you want to buy a round of drinks or some sausage rolls or what-have-you in the course of a normal day, then you are doing just that. But if you were to say you are inviting people to a drinks party (or even a sausage-roll tasting party, for the sake of argument) then you are hosting - with the drinks and / or sausage rolls! You wouldn't ask people to a drinks party and then provide no drinks.

Why are you assuming we don’t have manners? We just feel that there is a time and place for formality and a casual birthday meal isn’t it.

In my normal circle it would be normal for everyone to pay for themselves.

Among a few more comfortable friends, they might pay for everyone, but if that was the intention they'd say so at the invitation stage

I had a 60th last year, I invited 28 people and I paid for them. I would have had 40 , but couldn’t afford to.

I don't know why people think that manners, etiquette and formality are only for "the rich" whatever that is.

No, I'm asking you because I don't know, I want to know, and you said it was no great mystery!

Please, genuinely, i never know the ins and outs of this stuff - I have assumed because I am neuro-diverse.

If you could clarify what I asked it would be greatly appreciated.

@YouMightLikeCats , I'm sure you can manage to grasp the difference all by yourself.

You will find loads of companies offering to print invitations. My daughter had a load printed for her 21st ( sadly cancelled due to covid).

Sometimes people want to do something a bit more special, and a card based invitation is good because it's easier to control the numbers.

It isn't only for rich people - it's about what works for you and what you choose to spend your money on.

So what is the differentiating factor between an occasion that is suggested by a person that makes it either "hosting" or not?

The size of the group? The formality of the venue? The occasion (birthday vs "just wanted to socialise")?

Or is there some subtlety between 'suggesting' and 'inviting' that I haven't grasped - if so, again, please could you clarify the differentiating factor?

😂😂 Everyone buys the birthday girl/boy a shot … that’s about it lol

This. If me and my friends go to a restaurant for a birthday, we would never consider the host should pay (otherwise none of us could ever afford to do it)!

If it's your birthday and you invite people somewhere for a dinner you are paying for (as is the norm in your group), then you are hosting yes @YouMightLikeCats . This is no great mystery.

Eg. If I decide to go for it and do something for my next birthday, I'll think about a place people might like and that's not too much of a nightmare for them to get to. I have friends all over London, so maybe somewhere central. I'll look for somewhere that has good veggie / vegan options for people. Many of us will like a cocktail or two, but also others are Muslim or they don't drink, so I'll look at the mocktails too. I want people to have a memorable evening, somewhere they may not necessarily have gone to otherwise. If there's 30-40 odd people, I want a good vibe and not too formal so people can move around and socialise. That's it really.

If people want a bigger celebration then they have a party or go out on a pub crawl.

Ah, but how do you manage the finances on a pub crawl? That one really is an etiquette minefield

Then why did the OP ask in the first place, if she is so certain that her way is acceptable?

If I was going for a meal I would never invite that many people! It’s just not an enjoyable experience.

The only time I end up in a restaurant with more than 15 people is if we go out with DHs family and then we each set up ‘family bills’ so each sibling only pays for their own family.

Birthday meals in my social circle are with close friends not with everyone you’ve ever met! If people want a bigger celebration then they have a party or go out on a pub crawl.

This post is getting even more bizarre.

OK, so suggesting a group of friends go to a place, eat some food which is paid for by the person suggesting it - sometimes this isn't hosting?

I would view it as you buying some sausage rolls @YouMightLikeCats . In all seriousness.